It can be challenging and frustrating having a loved one with major depression. You want to help them but are unsure how. Or maybe they tell you they don’t need help.

I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for two decades, and it’s still hard communicating my needs and what’s going on in my head. Sometimes the pain is so bad and my thoughts are so dark, I don’t want to share or I can’t find the words to accurately describe what I’m feeling. Not being able to do is a source of frustration for my husband, but he’s patient and never makes me feel bad about going through a depressive episode.
Patience is key. You should never try to shame your depressed loved one about what they’re going through or make them feel bad in any way — believe me, if they’re anything like me, they’re feeling enough guilt and like they’re a burden.
Those feelings can actually intensify their depression.
It’s hard navigating such a complex disease, so I’ve listed 10 ways to help someone with depression below:
- Read and learn — Educate yourself by visiting the National Alliance on Mental Illness website and the National Institute of Mental Health website
- Reject harmful stereotypes — Stereotypes fuel the stigma surrounding mental illness. Thoughts like “She’s lazy, she’s weak, she needs to just ‘Snap out of it,’ and that depression is ‘just sadness'” need to be eliminated. It’s hurtful and just makes people who suffer with depression feel worse.
- Check in with them often — When I get depressed, I tend to hide out in my house, but that’s not always good, especially now with coronavirus. I’m already isolated and going without contact from my friends makes me feel more alone and depressed.
- Encourage self care — In my opinion, practicing self care is the best thing one can do when they are depressed (aside from talking medications and going to therapy). I like to exercise, get massages, write and read books to feel better.
- Encourage therapy on a consistent schedule — Therapy can help people sort through their feelings and make healthier life choices. Talking about what’s going on just makes me feel better. I go weekly to see my therapist. My therapist isn’t cheap, but there are free or affordable resources available in my community (like at the college). Please check out what resources are available to you.
- Remind your loved one it get’s better and that they won’t always feel that way — It’s hard to realize that you won’t always feel so badly and life is so hard. I think it’s OK for someone to remind their loved one that all feelings are temporary.
- Listen — Sometimes we just need to vent (without any judgement).
- Be patient — Dealing with depression is frustrating for all, but one of the best things you can do is just be patient.
- Know that you can’t “fix” them — Depression is a completely treatable disease, but it is not curable. Unfortunately, most people with major depression will fight it for the rest of their lives.
- Know the signs and symptoms of suicidal ideation — If you think a friend is struggling with suicidal thoughts, you need to be direct and ask them things like, “Are you suicidal? Do you have a plan? Is there a gun in your home?” We can’t tiptoe around this subject; it may be uncomfortable to talk about, but it could save lives, too. Read about warning signs of suicide here. If your loved one is suicidal, do NOT leave them alone. Take them to the nearest emergency room. The doctors/nurses will assess the situation and your loved one will likely be transferred to an acute behavioral facility that can help. That’s my experience, anyway.
Helpful Things to Say:
- You’re not alone
- It gets better
- How can I help?
- You’re important to me
- I’m glad you’re in my life
- How can I support you right now?
- It’s OK to feel that way
- Your feelings are valid
Things to Avoid Saying:
- “Get over it, buck up or snap out of it” — People with depression can’t just “snap out of it.” Depression affects them both physically and mentally. Even the smallest of tasks are daunting, and sometimes, not possible. Aside from fatigue, people can have physical symptoms like joint pain, stomachaches, back pain and pure exhaustion. It takes a lot of work to manage depression, so expecting someone to come out of a depressive episode at the snap of your fingers doesn’t help anyone.
- “It’s all in your head” — Again, depression is a real disease, as real as any other. People experience mental and physical symptoms and telling someone it’s not real makes them feel bad and can sink them further into the hole of depression.
- “What do you have to be depressed about” — I hate this one. I live a great life; I’m very fortunate. I’ve always had everything I needed, but I also have this awful disease I have to contend with. It doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for what I have and my life in general. I can’t control feeling depressed any more than someone can control having a heart attack.
I hope this helps. It has certainly helped my loved ones help me.
Stay in the light, friends.
24 comments
♥
Thanks for reading, boo ❤️
Some great tips here Heather.
[…] hurts to admit this but my mental health is so fragile — not weak — but fragile like a bomb. I’ll do whatever it takes not to explode. […]
[…] thing I hate the most about depression is that I can be feeling so good about myself and then — bam — something triggers me or I get […]
[…] knew I had major depressive disorder, because I’ve struggled with depression for almost two decades. I knew I had anxiety, because of the crippling panic attacks and intrusive […]
[…] I was told I posted too much about depression — that I was “bumming” people out. This comment not only infuriated me, but it hurt my […]
[…] wasn’t long before I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety. I kept my mouth shut about that, too until I could no longer hold it in because I was […]
[…] patches is one thing, but I desperately want him to avoid the migraines, major depression, anxiety, personality disorder and more. Logically, I know that him having a slight lazy eye […]
[…] I wasn’t supposed to have it until March 5, but last week I felt the all-too-familiar signs of a depressive episode, so I moved my appointment up to stop it in its tracks. And even though I know it will make me […]
[…] least now I can tell them the truth — I’m too depressed to leave the house. Before I went to The Menninger Clinic, I didn’t tell the truth, and I […]
[…] wasn’t easy for me to “come clean” about my major depression, anxiety disorder, eating disorder, personality disorder and suicidal thoughts. It wasn’t easy, […]
[…] be open about what they are going through. It wasn’t easy for me to “come clean” about my major depression, anxiety disorder, eating disorder, personality disorder and suicidal thoughts. It wasn’t […]
[…] talked about how my depression and anxiety weren’t that bad until I had children. That it wasn’t lost on me that after I had […]
[…] open about what they are going through. It wasn’t easy for me to “come clean” about my major depression, anxiety disorder, eating disorder, personality disorder and suicidal thoughts. It […]
[…] aren’t judgmental at all — but I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this, despite my depression and other mental disorders. That I’m a fun mom, a responsible one. So, it was important for me to […]
[…] my house, we talk openly of me depression. My kids know I struggle at times and understand to the best of their ability. We don’t talk […]
[…] I was severely depressed and suicidal, I started abusing benzodiazepines, which are highly addictive. I was still dealing […]
[…] antics affect you, it does. Being manipulated and exposed to emotionally violent behaviors causes depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. Plus it’s stressful. If you’re dealing with this, I’m so sorry. […]
[…] have major depression, an anxiety disorder, avoidant personality disorder, binge eating disorder and trauma in my past. […]
[…] was sad and grumpy, too. I hate leaving my parents and my brother’s family, especially my parents. We […]
[…] Kate Spade killed herself in June 2018. Her sister gave an interview saying that Kate suffered with depression and didn’t want to seek help or speak out because she was afraid of hurting her brand. Something […]
[…] Problems, my deepest, darkest secrets. I listed all my diagnoses: Persistent Depressive Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder and Binge Eating Disorder. I listed […]
[…] term memory — this is due to the electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) I did for my treatment-resistant major depressive disorder. Sometimes I’ll introduce myself to the same person twice (or three times). It’s hard […]