Tag:

Depression

17

This year (personally) has not been great, but that’s okay. Sometimes when things are difficult, you learn and grow more. Sometimes.

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2024 has reminded me that my depression is never far away. It shocked my a few months ago — I think I was in disbelief for weeks before I was going through another depressive episode, the first since I left the psych hospital. I did what I knew to do. I asked for help. I did self-care. I tried to heal.

I couldn’t help but think this episode was my fault somehow. My head grew too big, maybe. At times I felt like this kickass mental health hero who had a column in the newspaper, a blog and who was the leader of a reputable mental health nonprofit. I must’ve felt invincible. Too good to get depression again.

But I did. I was brought down a few notches.

The depressive episode wasn’t long at all, but it took me awhile to realize it was over. For weeks I was holed up in my media room, sometimes resting, most of the time still working on NAMI GCC stuff. Everyone kept telling to rest before the big NAMI Texas conference in El Paso, so that’s what I did. I was worried about the conference. I even emailed the ED of NAMI Texas and told him that I was going through an episode, and I didn’t know how much I would be able to do.

But when I got there, I did everything. I was walking to and fro, attending sessions and hanging out with the NAMI GCC crew. I realized then, the episode had been over. I was high functioning, and honestly, I wouldn’t have known it because I probably wouldn’t have left the movie room for another few weeks.

I was coddling myself, I guess. I think — no, I know — I’m stronger than I was in 2019 when I had my first mental break, so I didn’t need what I needed back then. Thankfully, now I have an amazing support system that not only supports me but also pushes me a bit when they already know I’m coddling myself and need to get the hell out of the movie room (don’t you hate it when your spouse is right?)

After this experience, I remember gratitude every single day. I remember that scared girl in the hospital. The fire I had to walk through. The burning. I remember it all, and I won’t forget again. I hope 2025 will be better, that I continue to practice gratitude and remember my place — in NAMI and in this world. All I ever wanted to do since 2018 (when I started this blog) was help people with their mental health journey because I had no one, and it was lonely and terrifying. I know at NAMI GCC I’m doing good in this community, but I want to do more. My focus can be so split, but I want to remember my real purpose. My experience and “talent” mean nothing if I don’t apply what I know to someone I can help.

Let 2025 be about growth and flourishing.

I am ready.

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Back in the Saddle

by Heather Loeb
Heather Loeb and Isla talk about the Top 5 Reasons to Give to NAMI GCC

It’s been about 3ish-4ish weeks since my depressive episode made its appearance. I won’t lie, it was bad, and I was scared. But I started that off-label medication for treatment-resistant depression, and I feel much better. I’m still not 100%, but it hasn’t been that long. The medication is supposed work its best after 8 weeks. I am taking more showers (yea!), not sleeping during the day, eating more (I had lost too much weight), leaving the house more and …..well, I’m sure there’s something else.

But I am worried — well, maybe not worried but….no, I’m worried — about the Coastal Bend Day of Giving. This is NAMI GCC’s second year, and we did great last year, making more than $50,000. But this year I know we aren’t getting certain funds like last year. And when we sent out emails to donors from last year, we didn’t get a lot of responses. But that feels ok to me, because last year not a lot of folks got back to me. So I’m just doing what I did last year and hoping for the best. We just need $24,000. Y’all start praying now!

RIGHT NOW.

Right in the middle of Early Giving is the NAMI Texas Conference, which I’m glad I feel good enough to go, but I feel a little nervous that I’ll be so busy at the conference while Early Giving is going on. But I scheduled all the Facebook and Instagram posts, as well as the newsletter. Of course I’m taking my laptop and will probably be glued to it. I can’t help myself. I’m actually going to upload a video about Coastal Bend Day of Giving here so y’all will know how to donate 🙂 Really, I can’t help myself.

I hope I continue to feel better. It’s my favorite time of the year, and I really want to enjoy it. I’m going to do my best to not let my depression to get in the way.

Thanks for everyone’s support. Here, have a look at another video. You’re welcome.

To donate, go to www.coastalbenddayofgiving.org during Early Giving Nov. 4 – 11 or on the Day of Giving on Nov. 12. Search for NAMI, then make a donation on our personal page.

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Fighter

by Heather Loeb
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I wrote a column the other day about asking for help and how amazing it was because I actually received it and fast! I should’ve guessed that was going to an amazing experience, but I rarely ask for help so it surprised me a bit. I guess I still had it in my head that only weak people ask for help, which is 100% WRONG.

There is nothing weak about having mental illness, asking for help, going inpatient, doing electroconvulsive therapy, going in “low-battery mode,” and/or anything else you need to do if you’re struggling or just living with a mental health condition.

It’s difficult to be mentally ill. There’s not a day that goes by that I’m not thinking about something I need to do in order to be healthy — take my meds correctly, sleep well, eat a healthy diet, get enough sleep, go to therapy, etc. It’s exhausting sometimes, especially when a depressive episode comes out of nowhere and turns everything upside down, which is what has happened to me these past few weeks. You don’t have time to be weak when that happens. Nope, you call your doctor, therapist and PCP. Your try new medicine, schedule ketamine therapy, whatever your doc suggests you do. You have to be adaptable. Is that right word? You have to be flexible. There’s not a lot of time for me to mourn this episode, even though that’s what I want to do.

We’ll I guess I’ve mourned quite a bit, but that’s okay, too. I don’t need to be strong, but that’s the emotion that comes out first, allowing me to get through some of these complicated emotions. And being weak? Like I said, there’s nothing weak about any of this. That’s stigma and misconception that the mentally ill are weak. But after 30 ECTs, I can assure you I’m not weak.

Actually, why do people feel a need to comment on those with a mental health condition anyway? I’m not sure why we need to have a debate about whether we’re weak or strong? But it seems like we do. It even feels like I’m working really hard to convince your — or myself — that I’m strong. So maybe we should ditch those adjectives.

I have mental health conditions, and I’m struggling with major depressive disorder right now. All that I can do is make healthy choices and follow my psychiatrist’s orders. I’ve been here before, and I know I will get better. I can do this.

Because I’m a fighter, and I have a hell of a lot to fight for.

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The Storm Will End

by Heather Loeb
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I had a follow-up with my psych this morning so she could see how I was doing on that new depression med. We decided to go forward with a bigger dose, and my doc wants me to try ketamine now, too, because it doesn’t sound like I’m improving as fast as she’d like. As I’d like. That’s fine by me, I’ve had ketamine before, and it has helped. I think the new pill is working, too. It just takes a while. It always does, but I have time, too.

After we hung up I decided to write down a gratitude list, and oh man, there are so many things I’m grateful for. My life is amazing, and I have far more to be happy about than sad. I know that’s not how depression works, but it’s nice remembering all the good in my life. And for once, instead of expecting more depression and crummy days, I started to think about my comeback. It’s there. I can feel it. It may not be anytime soon, but it’s there.

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And I’m reminded why I got my huge Phoenix bird tatted on my back.

“Some nights the wolf inside me shrinks to nothing, she bares her teeth and runs away. The dragon in my chest rejects me, she’s so tired of being slain. There are nights when the lioness cowers, says she can’t fight it another day…”
“What about the phoenix?”
“She sits with me in the darkness. She whispers ‘we’ll rise. Just you wait.’”

I will rise. I’ve done it before, and my life was more amazing than I ever thought it could be.

I feel like I have something to learn this time that I didn’t or couldn’t learn last time, but I’ll get there.

I hear the phoenix whisper, “just you wait.”

So I will.

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Half Glass Full

by Heather Loeb

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Preface: A few weeks ago I fell into a depressive episode, the first since leaving The Menninger Clinic 5 years ago. During that 6-week stay, my medicine was changed, I did intensive therapy, took classes and started electroconvulsive therapy treatments. In the past couple of weeks, I’ve been irritable, fatigued, had a loss of appetite, had problems showering, been sleeping more, etc. A week ago I started a new medication that’s used off-label for treatment-resistant depression. It has been a very difficult time for me. 

I’ve been on my new medication for about a week now. I’ve read that it can start working as soon as a week, but won’t be completely effective until about 6 – 8 weeks. But the past two days have been good, and I feel excited and hopeful about what may come.

Earlier this week was challenging. I had two commitments at NAMI that I thought I could handle but at last minute (day before) I panicked, had an anxiety attack and knew I couldn’t make it. I didn’t know what to do until it just came to me — “I should ask for help.” You might think that should be an automatic thought, but I had never asked my friends at NAMI to help like me like that. I’ve asked one or two for help, but never said I was flailing and needed help now.

So I asked.

Within minutes, my NAMI commitments were covered, and grateful tears streamed down my face. I received supporting and kind texts telling me to rest and take care of myself.

The next day one of the Leadership Team members came to do a “wellness check.” She’s a dear friend and gently told me we needed to get organized when it came to covering my future events and presentations. I told her my original plan was not to do those things and focus on what I could do at home. Meetings and presentations are very overwhelming to me right now, and I certainly wanted help with that. So we made a plan, and I felt so relieved. Before I would put meetings or presentations on my calendar, thinking I’d be okay by then, but then I’d have anxiety attacks when it came time to go. This would prevent us from scrambling the day before or day of and prevent a lot of stress.

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I talked to most of the Leadership Team, and everybody has been so supportive. They want me well in time to go to the big NAMI Texas Conference Nov. 7 to Nov. 10. That gives me about a month. I feel like I can handle that, and that will give my medicine more time to work.

Even though I’ve had a couple good days this week, I’m still struggling with fatigue and taking showers. I also got on the scale today just to check, not thinking there’d be a big change, and I’ve lost 6 pounds since this depressive episode started. I’ve noticed it has been harder to eat, but I didn’t realize it was that bad. My doctor told me to stop losing weight, but I’m thinking he’d be understanding with everything that’s going on (maybe). So now I have one more thing to worry about, but I guess it’s better than me binge eating.

In other, positive news, I’m not napping so much during the day, even on the weekends. I’m gearing up to start walking on the treadmill in the mornings. I bought new workout clothes and (read Isla) updated my playlist (all Taylor Swift). I feel optimistic about taking care of myself, but I don’t want too excited because I know fatigue and apathy can take over anytime. But I want to stay positive. If I can just get 20 minutes of walking in each day, that’ll help stifle the depression big time. Oh, and I plan on going outside for some sunshine, too.

I’m going to do everything I’m able to get better. I just gotta strike while the iron’s hot. And it’s warming up.

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Lightning

by Heather Loeb

It seemed like it happened so fast, but looking back I see the signs that a depressive episode was coming — the irritability, naps during the day and more sleep on the weekend, I would snap at the kids more and I craved more alone time (isolating). And then the fatigue set in, and I felt the depression crushing me. I couldn’t take showers as much. I had to rely more on David to help me with my normal chores, which I hate doing.

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I happened to have an appointment with my psychiatrist when this was all going on, so I enumerated all these problems, but at that time, I didn’t feel like I was in trouble. But a couple of days later, I became frantic and texted her that I needed help right away. We talked that day about different medications that could help, picking one that is used off label for depression and is less likely to give me tardive dyskinesia. It’s actually a medication used for Parkinson’s and restless leg syndrome but my doc has seen success with it in patients who have treatment resistant depression — that’s me, of course.

So because of this depressive episode, I have had to cancel work presentations and meetings and then social outings of my own. I’ve always had social anxiety, so those have always been a challenge, but you add depression and anxiety on top, and it’s near impossible. I actually had to take a couple weeks of from NAMI GCC, even though I LOVE LOVE LOVE what I do. I just have to focus on me right now.

The person who had taken this very personally is my daughter. One morning, after no sleep, I told her I couldn’t bring her lunch to her on the special day it was allowed. I had brought it to her the previous week, though. She got pissed and said I was “using my depression as an excuse for everything.” That really pissed me off. Then she got mad when I didn’t have the energy to volunteer at a Girl Scouts’ meeting. I get that it’s disappointing, I really do. But I had an in-depth conversation with her about what depression is, how it makes me feel, what I can and can’t do, etc. Still she’s only 10 and can’t understand completely. It still hurts my feelings so much. I can do 1,000 things right, but she’ll find the 1 or 2 things I do wrong and harp on them for days, even weeks. It certainly doesn’t help my mood. But again, I know she can’t fully comprehend what I’m going through — not just that, but she’s also dealing with the fact I told her I have depression. That’s hard to take in. She’s realizing I’m different than other moms (even though nothing has changed in me since I told her). Still, her mother just dropped a bomb on her.

It feels like someone dropped one on me, too. I have to tell you that I was not prepared for this at all. There were no triggers or changes in my life that spurred this episode. That’s the scariest part — that there was no real warning. I was doing just fine, being my happy self, living my normal life, which I love, when lightning struck out of nowhere. And with such intensity. I know what to do when this happens — I have a wellness plan, I’ve been to support groups where we’ve discussed what to do in crisis, I’ve memorized things to do. But, when it came time, I thought about the first steps in my head and thought, “that’s impossible,” and I continued to lie down. I isolated. I either didn’t eat at all or I ate too much junk. I tried to nap all day until I had to pick the kids up. I stopped showering. I didn’t put on “real clothes,” just sweats and workout garb. Emails were ignored. I canceled all my appointments because I didn’t want to leave the house or because my hair was dirty from now showering.

Again, what’s scary is that it did not take long for me to get to this place.

Finally I started telling my family and friends what was going on. I was honest; I told them the truth instead of blaming migraines or whatever illness I used to blame it on. I admitted it to the Girl Scouts leaders and moms because I needed someone to fill in for me as a volunteer. It was so freeing. I wasn’t doing it for sympathy; I just needed to tell them hey this is what’s going on. Sometimes severe depression can do this. I’m not afraid of asking for help because of my depression. And hopefully me normalizing it will help others do the same.

I do really appreciate others reaching out to me and supporting me. I made a post on Facebook, and the support I got there was amazing. Everyone had something inspiring and comforting to say. Someone mentioned that my village was with me, and that meant so much to me. It brought tears to my eyes, and reminded me that yes, I can do this. I’m starting my medication today, that’s one day closer to a happier me.

Thank you, everybody. We got this.

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I always assumed my mental illness was going to be the death of me, but nope, here I am wishing I had some high-powered edibles, an ECT that would somehow make me forget the next few years or some kind of non-serious illness that would require lots of bed rest and very little stress so I wouldn’t have to face the hormones that taken over my beautiful, kind daughter and replaced her with that vicious sand worm from Beetlejuice.

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I was just bragging on her the other day, detailing how good therapy has been for her and that I have seen real positive change. That all the extra time we’ve been hanging out has helped with her positive demeanor and confidence. I could see real change.

Then today I ask her about a couple of math grades, letting her know that I’m here if she feelings like she’s struggling. She’s in 4th grade but is in an accelerated math class so is doing 5th grade math. I told her I don’t care about her math grades much, I just want her happy and healthy, and we can get her help with math if she needs it.

The next thing I know she has locked herself in the bathroom, yelling about the time I told her she was adopted (in jest. To be fair, she asked me like 10 times if she was and finally I said yes). She knew I was joking. Then she brought up another comment I made. And another. Suddenly she’s got an elephant’s memory. Each of these memories we were both teasing each other, but only now she was hurt, even though I had apologized 1,000 times before.

I told her I loved her but we couldn’t do the cool mom/best friend thing if she was going to take me too seriously. How many times was she going to punish me for something I said? When she started the teasing in the first place? From now on, I said, it’s strictly a mother/daughter relationship and we needed to respect those boundaries in order not to hurt each other.

The next thing I know she’s in her room howling and sobbing hysterically. At this point, David doesn’t let me get near her again. That’s not the reaction I was looking for — I’m just tired of joking then apologizing for that joke multiple times, never really being forgiven. Neither of us is mature enough to be in a mom/daughter best friend deal. And that’s fine. We can work on our mother/daughter relationship, making it stronger and defining it how we want it to be.

Not right now though, because that hormonal sand worm thing ain’t a joke.

This really makes me scared for when puberty hits.

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I am so messy. And lazy – too lazy to clean up the messes and clutter that seems to accumulate on every surface in my house. We have a housekeeper who comes four to five days a week, and it’s still a mess. It bothers me a lot, but apparently not so much for me to change, even though I desperately want to.

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I love seeing my friends’ houses (where there are kids living there also) online with their tidy houses, and I’m in such awe. Some might say that’s just the social media side of the homes we’re seeing, but I actually go to my friends’ houses and they’re in such better shape than mine.

I try to declutter as much as possible. I go through these spurts where I just HAVE to clean and declutter, but that doesn’t happen often, and the clutter is back within a week or so. There is a huge part of me that is super organized and neat and on top of things all the time, but the unorganized, untidy and apathetic version of me is in the driver’s seat most of the time.

A lot of it is my depression. I’m not trying to make excuses, but when I have to allot my little amount of energy each day, something’s always got to give. And that’s usually housework. Even though I’m not going through a severe depressive episode right now, I still have to fight depression (and anxiety) daily. Personal hygiene, like taking a showering and brushing my teeth daily, is still a struggle. Doing my hair is a difficult chore. Most days I only have it in me to wash my hair every other day and let it dry in a braid so I don’t have to style it, which is still miles from not showering for a week at a time when I was going through an episode. And brushing my teeth is just hard. I don’t know why. I mean, these are basic human functions, but they sap a lot of my energy, and I only have so much in during the day.

Then I must save some time and energy for my kids. I have to be up 5 a.m., make lunches, pack water and other school supplies, take them to school, keep up with Girl Scouts, Cub Scouts, therapy sessions and tennis lessons. My kids, of course, are a priority and there’s always homework, projects and reading to do. Both my kids have anxiety and ADHD so I find they need a lot of personal attention, which is what I’m here for. I like spending time with them, but it can become draining, especially if I’m not reaching out for help when I need it or practicing self-care.

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Then there’s NAMI GCC. I love NAMI Greater Corpus Christi. I’ve been the Affiliate Leader for almost a year, and I’m grateful they haven’t asked me to leave, lol. Even though I love, love, love NAMI, it can become quite stressful. I volunteer because when I was going through my dark, dark time nobody was talking about mental health/illness. I wanted to share my story and help others through what I went through so they wouldn’t feel so alone. I like helping people, and NAMI is a great organization to do that. And the people are amazing. But when you have a Leadership role and you’re teaching a class or facilitating a support group, it can get heavy. Sometimes I feel like the success of the affiliate is on my shoulders, and I never want to let everyone down. It’s a lot of pressure. Especially when we’re fundraising or planning a big event. I can get overwhelmed with my responsibilities and forget our mission at times. It’s also difficult to balance my family life with young kids and a husband who owns his own company, is a very active board member at the local community college, among other things.

I also write columns for the local newspaper and blogs for a mental health website

With the kids, NAMI and writing, I must take multiple breaks. If I’m socializing, I need a few days to recuperate. If I don’t, I start operating on “low-battery mode,” and I’m more at risk of shutting down where I can’t function much at all.

I realize everyone gets busy. Most of my friends have kids and a full-time job. Does that mean they don’t clean their house?

I’m betting they do, which makes me feel even worse.

I wish I had the energy to clean and declutter. Can I live with the fact that my house is messy and that we have a 5-day-a-week housekeeper? Probably not. I feel so shamed at times (like when my parents come visit). My dad, mom and brother (and his wife) are so neat! What happened to me?

Usually when I need to make change in my life, the first thing that has to happen is that I have to get sick of my own bullshit.

I’m about halfway there.

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So this morning I had an amazing therapy session. I told my therapist about my latest blog and how I had yearned for a “good” binge. I asked her if that meant there was something wrong with me, like there was a problem I wasn’t dealing with and I wanted to eat my feelings instead.

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She told me at this point in my life, I had blurred the lines of my negative “coping” skills. I might have been feeling restless or a bit stress, but wanting to binge probably didn’t mean anything. I probably just wanted a little comfort. Which is stupid, because I don’t receive — and haven’t received — comfort from a binge in a looooong time. It’s just the memory of comfort and good feelings from binges that came before that keeps me doing it again and again. Well, not lately. I haven’t binged in a while. But that’s what I was doing — I was chasing a good feeling that would rarely or never come.

Then we talked about what else is comforting (besides eating and shopping). I said reading but told my therapist I’m more of a instant gratification girl (hence the eating and spending money), so reading isn’t always a safe bet. She mentioned that I need to get used to constant gratification instead of instant. That I need to appreciate the little things and even everything out. Reading would be good. Working out would be good. Writing blogs and columns — also good. She’s right. I don’t have to be all about instant gratification because the problem with that is that you get so high from the reward and then shoot back down fast. I’m tired of being down.

I’m excited about working out again. I’m going to approach it in baby steps by walking on the treadmill for about 20-30 minutes. I know I need to work on toning too since I’ve lost so much weight, but the treadmill it is until I’m ready to move on. I’m also excited about wearing workout clothes however stupid you might think that is. And I’m excited about adding new music to my workout playlist. That always motivates me when I hear new music.

I also decided that I need to work on a daily schedule. School is starting soon so it’s the perfect time to create one to make sure I have structure, which will help with discipline and my goals. Do you have any helpful tips on creating a daily schedule? Leave them in the comments!

I feel so much better today, friends. Even if I feel I want to binge, I know now that I have self-control and it only means I’m either hungry or I need some self-care or a hug. I can handle all that.

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I Miss Binge Eating

by Heather Loeb
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I felt it yesterday. The urge to binge. The need to have different foods tantalize my taste buds, however fleeting. I miss sampling multiple dishes, shutting my eyes while I savored the flavors and that feeling of being full and safe – but not too full – although I’d always get there. Always.

I don’t binge anymore. I take Zepbound, one of the weight loss shots, that helps me curb my binge eating disorder. I have lost weight on the shot – about 25 pounds – but that wasn’t my goal. I was desperate to stop the bingeing. So far, this is the only thing that has helped. Honestly I don’t care much about food while on the shot. It’s more about fuel for my body, not something pleasurable. And I’ve been fine with that.

Until yesterday.

I don’t know why, but yesterday I just missed food. I wanted to shove my face in a giant pizza, eat fried chicken and go to the Olive Garden to let loose. I wanted to eat more than a couple bites of something and not get totally full.

But why? I thought I was depriving myself too much, but then I heard myself say that “it’s easier to binge. It’s way easier to swallow food whole rather than sit with my feelings and figure out what’s bugging me.”

I rolled my eyes at myself.

I’m not sure all my binges have been about circumventing my feelings (I’d have to ask my therapist to be sure), but I’m betting most of them have. I think everyone can agree that eating a delicious bowl of pasta or a medium rare filet is better than figuring out why you feel uncomfortable and angry.

And I hate to tell you — even if you are on a weight loss drug — you will not lose weight if something’s eating you and you are eating everything in return.

Which means I have to figure out what’s going on, like now. Luckily, I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. But I need to start doing the hard work now. Honestly, I feel like everything is good. School is about to start, which means I can get back to my regular routine (I hate my summertime routine). Maybe I’m having anxiety about school starting and things getting busy? Things at NAMI are good. I’m getting to see my parents a lot lately and have another trip coming up. I just had my yearly physical, and I’m healthier than I’ve ever been. Maybe my kids’ birthday parties coming up are giving me anxiety? I always worry that nobody will show up. There’s always something, but I always deal with it, and it’s fine. So I’m not sure what’s going on.

What I do know is that I can’t go back to bingeing. Being healthy is amazing, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

There’s more work to do. I know that. But I will never, never, never, never ever thought I would be here.

And I’m never, never ever going back.

Screw a pizza and Olive Garden breadsticks.

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