I’m in a bad mood today. I don’t know what caused it, but I’ve felt terrible all day. Something has been nagging at me. At every meal, I’ve had an overwhelming to binge. So I ordered a pizza for lunch. I didn’t get down but once slice when I started feeling guilty. I felt even worse.
Then the afternoon rolls around, and I have that wild urge again so I order snacks to be delivered to my house: chips, popcorn, ice cream, M&Ms, but when I started eating I didn’t get that high I always get, however temporary it might be. I stopped. I’m not used to not getting pleasure from a binge.
But that nagging feeling continued. What am I upset about? It’s an awful feeling not knowing what’s bothering me. It’s like a remembered something important but then immediately forgot so I have to retrace my steps (in my brain) and figure it out.
And then come the tears. Why does it have to be so hard to be me? I know that sounds pathetic, but why isn’t it ever easy? If it’s not my depression, it’s my anxiety. If it’s not my anxiety, it’s my eating disorder. I though that I had been doing well with sitting with my feelings and avoiding binges, but I can’t even identify the emotions I’m feeling. What am I supposed to do with that?
I start thinking…is it the kids? Do I feel guilty about them going over to my mother-in-laws? Is it that I’ve had a long, long week and just need to chill? Maybe. Did I somehow mess up my meds? Doubtful. Am I missing my parents? Usually. Have I been keeping up with work stuff? Yes. Am I regretting our social engagements this weekend? Yes. But is that enough to binge? I don’t think so.
I am clearly seeking out comfort, so what do I need comfort for? What’s going on? I had a ketamine treatment yesterday; maybe that has messed with my head, although it was a pleasurable experience. Is it not working now? Did it ever work?
So many questions. And I have so few answers.
I’m sure there are others with a laundry list of diagnoses who feel this way. You never really know what the exact culprit is, but you knows it’s there.
I’m going to go with it has been a long week, I’ve been out of routine, seriously out of routine. I haven’t been able to relax so that’s probably what’s bothering me. That and the things I have to do this weekend will be interrupting precious me time.
I don’t even feel like eating most of the junk I got at the store, which really just makes me want to know…
what the hell am I hungry for?