The past two weeks have been hard. I’ve been anxious and depressed, which always throws me off because I haven’t felt that way in a long, long time. It’s not a full-blown depressive episode, but it’s enough to affect my daily life.
But it’s my anxiety that’s bothering me more. I’m used to that; my anxiety never goes away. Now I’m operating at a heightened level, which overwhelms me quickly, forcing me to take breaks or shut down.
It happened Thursday.
It wasn’t a single event that led to my breakdown, but somehow I became unglued. I was sobbing everyday. I felt like if I did one more thing outside of my regular routine, I would fall over from exhaustion and die. The problem was that I had a big presentation the next day. I felt horribly guilty, but I explained to my cohort (and good friend) what was going on, and of course, she understood. I instantly felt some relief, but I knew that wasn’t the answer to my problem. But I was aware that I had moved into a Severe State of anxiety, meaning I was experiencing intense symptoms of anxiety (feelings of loss of control, chest pain, sobbing uncontrollably, unable to perform some tasks, etc.)
This is in sharp contrast to the High Functioning anxiety that I feel almost daily. I’m able to work and socialize, but I still have some symptoms of anxiety, such as overanalyzing and rumination.
The middle ground between these two states is the Moderate zone, which I also visit frequently. I’m able to to fulfill some work and social obligations, but I’m still overwhelmed easily. I (try to) limit how many tasks end up on my plate, make sure I’m taking breaks and try to prevent slipping into the Severe state. It doesn’t always happen, obviously.
Right now I’m trying to take it day by day, hour by hour. I miss my usual energy and good mood. I’m hoping going to my parents’ house for Christmas will give me a boost.
Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah, which is always fun. Plus I get a present, so who can be depressed about that, lol?
I hope my next blog will be happier.
I’m sure it will.
