Something amazing happened today, but let me back up. I’ve been struggling with depression for the past couple of weeks. Yesterday was pretty bad. So bad that I went ahead and called the clinic that offers ketamine treatments. Something told me they didn’t do them anymore and when I called, sure enough. They no longer offered them.
Panic, fear and just raw, raw pain rattled inside and made me groan. What was I going to do? I got through the day and fell asleep without answers.
The next morning I felt differently. I sang on the way to my kids’ school, which I’m sure they didn’t appreciate. I sang on the way back and danced. Then it occurred to me. Screw depression. I’m Heather Ann Loeb. I’m a fighter, and I’m scrappy. Every time my depression and other conditions have come at me, I’ve beaten them all, and I’m living proof.
Depression won’t hold me down.
So, I did a thing. I actually put on workout clothes and got on the treadmill. I’ve thought about doing this a million times, but it never came to fruition.
I grabbed my air pods, found my play list titled, “Work B*itch” (lol), and I walked. I walked for the dopamine and all those hormones that will make me feel better. My feet pounded the machine and every step I took I thought about how mad I was at my mental illness. Like this is my favorite time of year, and depression is trying to hold me back from enjoying it?
There are only like 20 something days left of December…I don’t know, I can’t count. But I want to soak up every minute. I’ve waited all year long for this.
I want to enjoy the taste of hot chocolate on my tongue and lips. I want to watch my kids’ faces as they look for their elves in the morning. I’m so looking forward to Christmas Eve and Morning when they get to unwrap their gifts and see what Santa brought them.
I want to hang out with my dad and watch football. I want to see my mom’s face when she opens a special present I got her.
I want to….ok, you get the point.
From now on, I’m being mindful every minute, and I’ll beat back depression and its stupid friends with all my might.
Because I’m a warrior.