I’m not in a greatish place. As you may know, the organization I volunteer for just had its big fundraiser, which I worked really, really hard on. A couple of nights leading up to the event, I missed a couple doses of my medication. It wasn’t on purpose. I was stressed.
So that has affected me a bit. And the event being over has affected me, too. I mean, I’m glad it’s over because it was stressful, but I’m going to miss working on it, too. This happened last year. I’ve been working on this for months, and it’s one of my favorite projects. I think that’s normal.
So that and missing the meds has definitely affected me. Plus, I’m a little overwhelmed today because I’ve had to get back to every day NAMI things that need to be dealt with. The grind never stops. And I’ve been reminded that I’m a volunteer. And that I only have to do one thing at a time. And to give myself grace. I know all this.
But I’m not myself right now. I’m depressed, stressed-out, missed-doses-of-medication, sleep-deprived Heather who doesn’t always remember that every single moment of the day. While I was waiting in the carpool line today, I was starting to panic about how badly I felt. Even though I missed just a couple of doses of meds, I can go zero to suicidal ideation in no time, and so I made an appointment for a ketamine infusion treatment for Wednesday. I started to think that maybe that wasn’t good enough. And as the panic increased, and I thought well, maybe I need an ECT, my phone buzzed. I looked down and realized tears had filled my eyes. And then I smiled down at my phone.
It was an affirmation. I get them sent to my phone/watch from an app every hour or so. This particular one said, “It’s ok to feel bad sometimes.”
I laughed at myself. I don’t need an ECT. I’m still going to keep the ketamine appointment as of this minute (because of the suicidal ideation), but of course, it’s ok to feel bad. IT’S OK TO FEEL BAD SOMETIMES!
It’s ok to feel sad about a fundraiser I put my heart and soul into. The event went well, and I think we reached a lot of people, but I still feel bad. I’m grateful for the event, and I’m grateful for everything that I have. I’ve made a gratitude list.
But I feel bad. I do. I feel like crap. And that’s ok. I’m smiling as I write this, but I feel bad.
I have a plan for some serious self-care this week. Maybe it’ll make me feel better.
If it doesn’t, guess what, that’s ok. Sitting with my feelings has never been my strong suit so I’ll stew a little, no too long, and then — when I’m ready — I’ll move on and feel better.
I’m actually feeling better just getting this out and feeling my feelings.
