This year (personally) has not been great, but that’s okay. Sometimes when things are difficult, you learn and grow more. Sometimes.
2024 has reminded me that my depression is never far away. It shocked my a few months ago — I think I was in disbelief for weeks before I was going through another depressive episode, the first since I left the psych hospital. I did what I knew to do. I asked for help. I did self-care. I tried to heal.
I couldn’t help but think this episode was my fault somehow. My head grew too big, maybe. At times I felt like this kickass mental health hero who had a column in the newspaper, a blog and who was the leader of a reputable mental health nonprofit. I must’ve felt invincible. Too good to get depression again.
But I did. I was brought down a few notches.
The depressive episode wasn’t long at all, but it took me awhile to realize it was over. For weeks I was holed up in my media room, sometimes resting, most of the time still working on NAMI GCC stuff. Everyone kept telling to rest before the big NAMI Texas conference in El Paso, so that’s what I did. I was worried about the conference. I even emailed the ED of NAMI Texas and told him that I was going through an episode, and I didn’t know how much I would be able to do.
But when I got there, I did everything. I was walking to and fro, attending sessions and hanging out with the NAMI GCC crew. I realized then, the episode had been over. I was high functioning, and honestly, I wouldn’t have known it because I probably wouldn’t have left the movie room for another few weeks.
I was coddling myself, I guess. I think — no, I know — I’m stronger than I was in 2019 when I had my first mental break, so I didn’t need what I needed back then. Thankfully, now I have an amazing support system that not only supports me but also pushes me a bit when they already know I’m coddling myself and need to get the hell out of the movie room (don’t you hate it when your spouse is right?)
After this experience, I remember gratitude every single day. I remember that scared girl in the hospital. The fire I had to walk through. The burning. I remember it all, and I won’t forget again. I hope 2025 will be better, that I continue to practice gratitude and remember my place — in NAMI and in this world. All I ever wanted to do since 2018 (when I started this blog) was help people with their mental health journey because I had no one, and it was lonely and terrifying. I know at NAMI GCC I’m doing good in this community, but I want to do more. My focus can be so split, but I want to remember my real purpose. My experience and “talent” mean nothing if I don’t apply what I know to someone I can help.
Let 2025 be about growth and flourishing.
I am ready.
