To be honest, I don’t hear the word, “no,” very often. Not when it counts. Not that my life is perfect, but I do live a damned good life (aside from debilitating depression, anxiety and an eating disorder), and I do work hard to live my very pleasant and joyful life.
But every so often that two-letter word hits me like a ton of bricks. No? Like, is that the final decision — just no??! No yes in sight. Just No.
I went through this earlier this week when someone told me no, someone I was expecting to tell me yes – and that’s even worse. It felt like a personal failure. I had counted on this. A yes would’ve confirmed my belief in my hard work, that I’m a good person, that I’m valuable and worthwhile.
Now I’ve had a few days to think this situation over, and I know it doesn’t mean all that, but my chest is still tight replaying, “I’m sorry, but…” over and over.
I can try again, and I will, but I need to release this grief, and the fact that I think I’m a loser, even though I know deep down I’m not.
I suppose hearing no is what has shaped me all these decades, not all the yeses that have rained down on my head lately — I’m still so grateful for those, though. I’m a really lucky and blessed girl. And I’m grateful for everything in my life. A lot of amazing things happen to me, and this is probably another one of those things.
This isn’t a personal failure. This is a teaching moment and a challenge to pick myself back up and get ready for next time. And there will be a next time. I’ve never been in charge, but God knows what he’s doing, and he’s been molding me into the leader he wants me to be. Probably someone who needs to get used to hearing the big N-O.
I just have to be patient. Continue to work hard. I’ll get my husband to practice saying, “no,” more — he’ll love that. And I’ll remember we all have our own journeys that play out differently than others. And that’s okay. I’m 41-years-old. There’s still time. I’m just on a slower path.
I am valuable and worthwhile. That’s how I know I’ll get that yes one day.
