*I have a call into my psychiatrist, and please be assured I’m not suicidal at all. I am safe.
Over the summer I was in a slump. I blamed it on being out of my normal routine. This week I was excited about school starting, but I still felt irritable, anxious and gloomy. I jumped on the treadmill on the first day of school to drum up some feel-good hormones, but my 30-walk actually made my mood worse. I tried to shake it off.
I had a lot of work to do so I got busy and before I knew it, it was the end of the day. I had been really focused on work and the kids so when I grabbed my phone and jumped on my sofa to chill, my mind was very quiet.
Then I felt it. That nagging feeling that something was wrong. Along came the anxiety, followed by gloom. I tried to immerse myself in my phone, but nothing was interesting me. All I could feel was the heavy depression pushing down on my shoulders. Although this time my brain was talking about how I should die — that I was useless and I’d be better off. It’d be easier if I were dead. That I wished I was dead.
What an asshole.
I’ve been dealing with depression long enough to know that THAT is bullshit. I’m not the one saying it (or believing it, thank God), it’s just my misfiring (unruly, if you will) neurons and chemical imbalanced, no good brain.
Now I was able to get up and shake it off, but for the past couple of days when I have down time, those thoughts start creeping in my head. It hasn’t helped that I haven’t slept well in two days. Getting a full night’s sleep is my priority right now.
Even today when I managed to figure out a complex IRS form (and was VERY happy and impressed with myself), as soon as I stopped working, there was the voice again on repeat. In the past couple days I would be able to online shop or binge watch my favorite show to distract the voice, but it’s getting harder to find joy in those things. Plus I’m running out of room in my closet.
This kind of thing is just a real bummer when you try to do everything you can to be mentally healthy. And it’s just not nice for your brain to tell you to die, I don’t care who you are.
Thursday and Friday will be busy, and this weekend the kids will be at my MIL’s so I’ll be able to rest. Maybe I can catch up on my sleep and engage in some serious self-care. I know I’m worn out.
I’ve dealt with this before — a couple times. I always come out stronger.
And prettier, I think.
