Author

Heather Loeb

For decades I've struggled with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, avoidant personality disorder, dysthymia and an eating disorder. I pen my misadventures here, but you can also find my column in the Corpus Christi Caller-Times (caller.com). Thanks for reading and for your support.

Ketamine/Spravato

Spravato: Treatments 1 & 2

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

This past week I completed my first two treatments of Spravato. What’s that, you say? It’s a nasal spray with esketamine (very much like ketamine) that helps with depression and a host of other things, such as migraines – at least for me.

imgresMy first treatment did not go well. First of all, I HATE things going up my nose. Second, it gave my a horrible taste in the back of my throat and I got a little nauseated. I also didn’t dissociate, which is one of the biggest side effects of the drug. Under the FDA’s rules I had to stay there for two hours, so I was hoping for a little dissociation, otherwise it’s just boring. So, it had no affect on me besides being a little sick to my stomach and then I was bored for two hours. Plus when I got home, I got a huge migraine and for the next two days and had to see my neurologist to get a Nubain injection for my migraines to go away. Maybe it was just a coincidence but I was annoyed and didn’t want to go for the second treatment. It had been awhile since I’d had a migraine.

But to my delight, the second treatment went well. I got the hang of putting the nasal mist up my nose, got used to the nasty taste in my throat and this time they gave me Zofran for the nausea. I still didn’t dissociate but I was tired enough to take an almost two hour nap, so the visit passed rather quickly. Can’t say the same for my husband who has to stay there the whole time and give me a ride home. FDA rules again. He can’t leave the whole two hours while I’m receiving treatment.

I don’t feel a whole lot better, and since it’s hardly affecting me, my doctor is going to bump me up to the big girl dose next week, which is about 84mg of esketamine. When I go to get the ketamine infusions at the clinic via IV, I’m receiving 100mg, plus they give me a benzo in the IV – I don’t know why they do that. So, maybe the larger dosage will help me more.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a complete failure. I do feel better after the second one but I’m still dealing with symptoms of depression. But I don’t feel as blah as I have been.

I’m supposed to go three times to the clinic next week to get the larger dose, so we’ll see how that goes.

As far as my weight loss and journey to get healthy, I haven’t even been on the scale. I’ve been eating poorly and drinking Diet Coke again. My depression just hit hard this week and the week before. I think. I can’t remember last week. I’ll get back on track and keep you guys updated. Thanks for the support.

Stay well, my friends.

 

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Blah

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I haven’t written in a couple days and I don’t really feel like writing today. Yesterday, I had my first Spravato treatment, which I’ll get to later, and since then I haven’t felt right. I have a major migraine and I feel really depressed. So far not impressed with Spravato.

Anyway, that’s it for now.

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Good times at the ER

Good Times at the ER

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb
Good times at the ER

Good times at the ER

Y’all know that I had a stomach bug when I went to the lake house. It was a bad one and even though the throwing up ceased I cannot say the same for what was coming out the other orifice. So, I called me doc to make an appointment for last Friday. I feel asleep and missed said appointment and now I have to wait until tomorrow at 8 a.m. to see him.

On Friday, I go went up my kids but suddenly I start to black out. My vision starts to fade, but I’m able to pull the car over safely and I call the school. David takes me to the ER (which he never does because he never thinks I’m sick enough but then again I’m always sick).

We get in to see a doctor immediately and I explain my symptoms, not just the diarrhea, but the extreme fatigue and what feels like low B12. I also have memory problems and am just so tired. It’s worth mentioning again.

They run labs on me. The labs are fine. Plus my blood pressure is good, which surprised me because I started blacking out.  They can’t run B12 on me, so my PCP will likely do that Monday.

So they give me fluids and they pain medicine for the abdominal cramps I’m having. I did not ask what pain meds but after feeling really loopy, I ask what it is and it’s DILAUDID. In cause you don’t know, that med is used for severe pain. A few minutes into it, I start having horrible stomach pains – I can’t tolerate some narcotics and that’s one of them.

I was in so much pain from the pain meds that I was about to crawl out of the bed. I started sweating and there was just nothing they could do. I asked for a shot of Phenergan and to go home. The Phenergan helped a little and I came home to writhe in pain my own bed.

Long story short, I still feel fatigued and feel off – I don’t know from what. Diarrhea has stopped but maybe my thyroid or B12 got wonky during the stomach bug.

On another note, I ate really healthily last week and lost 2 lbs, making my total weight loss 10lbs.

I’m now 177, having started at 187.

And I did much better with Diet Coke. I went crazy at my parents’ house but this week I toned it down and I plan on cutting it out completely this coming week. It sucks I have to start over like this but thems the breaks.

I admit I’ll be upset if the doctor doesn’t find anything tomorrow. I don’t want to feel like this and I was feeling pretty good before the stomach bug. Hopefully, it’s just an imbalance somewhere and an easy fix. But I need something to be fixed and in a hurry. Feeling like this only adds to my depression, which I’ve been able to stave off for awhile.

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The Dreaded Gym

The Gym. The Dreaded Gym.

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb
The Dreaded Gym

The Dreaded Gym

I used to go to the gym everyday. I used to do high intensity interval training (HIIT) twice a week. I ran a 5K just to prove that I could do it. I did things that were hard but made me feel so strong.

I haven’t worked out in months and months. And maybe more months. I dread the gym. Why? I have no idea. It’s not just the gym, I don’t even want to go outside for a walk or jog. It’s very strange because I felt so good when I’m working out. There’s nothing better than getting all sweaty and knowing that you worked it out, you did your thing and took another step toward being healthy. Besides that, it helps my depression and usually I do whatever it takes to put that bitch it its place.

So, what is wrong with me? As for the dreaded gym, I could feel intimidated, sure. But walking around the block? I could do that. I could even stream videos of workouts at home while the kids are at camp. I really don’t have any excuses. I even have cute workout clothes. So, what is this mental block? Now that I’m writing this, maybe I don’t want to take care of myself but I do everything else to make myself better, as long as it’s easy I guess.

I could sign up for another 5K and let that be my motivation but the last time I did that, I didn’t train – yes I have to train to run 3 miles – so I just bagged it and felt guilty. And wasted my entry fee.

A lot of people are telling me to try Orange Theory, where there are all sorts of people – non-judgmental people – all shapes and sizes who go at their own pace. This is appealing to me, because I’ve heard it’s just like the HIIT classes I used to do but there’s that mental block again.

I just need to jump. My weight is stalling and I need help getting to where I want to be. I want to feel strong again. And I want to show my kids that I’m strong. I want them to be proud of me.

I’ve been mentally rehearsing either going to the gym or going to Orange Theory, so we’ll see how this plays out. Something’s going to change. I can feel it. Or at least I want to feel it. I need to start taking care of myself, no matter what the cost. I’m always willing to try a new treatment or drug but why not this?

Any of you ever felt this way?

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Lake House Trip and Update on Life

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Let me start by saying the lake house was a lot of fun. I learned to play corn hole and I learned that I wasn’t very good at corn hole – my sis in law replaced me pretty fast as her partner but I still had a blast playing. The best part of the trip was watching the kids have such a good time. They went swimming, riding on the mule, jet skiing, and playing with a bubble machine. The lake house is truly magical for them. There’s nothing like spending time with your cousins and I’m so glad they have that.

All of that was briefly interrupted by a stomach bug. It started with my niece, then my mother, my nephew, sister in law, my daughter, me, my husband, my aunt and my brother caught the tail end. It was pretty awful for the adults but the kids bounced back rather quickly. I was in a lot of pain, really dizzy and couldn’t eat for days. In fact, I lost 5 pounds which I was really excited about. If you’re going through so much unpleasantness, let’s say, you need some kind of award.

BUT GUESS WHAT. I seemed to have gained it all back despite not eating much since. My stomach is still a little queasy, so I really haven’t partaken in a good meal. I’m very disappointed but oh well. So….

Starting weight: 187
Current weight: 179

Now that I’m back home with my own food, I’m sure I’ll be able to eat my healthy meals and continue to lose some but I’ve been saying that for a couple of weeks now. It’s starting to piss me off.

Also, I feel off the wagon on the Diet Coke front. My parents have no shortage of Diet Coke and it’s in every fridge in the house and lake house. It practically poured itself down my throat, so I’ll have to start over with that. It’ll be easier because I don’t have any here. So, I tell myself.

That’s about all – I did see my psychiatrist while I was up in the Dallas area. She was happy with my meds, even though I told her some days I wake up and say to myself “is this as good as it’s ever going to get?” and she seemed to say yes, it might be. She said for me, depression is a life-long illness and I might never get better but someday I could get to a better place. That depressed me, because I used to see butterflies and rainbows most days. Now I’m lucky to see some moths flying around a light bulb. Not to say I’m totally unhappy with my life. My life is great as far as my family, friends and how fortunate I am. I just miss feeling happy most of the time. Now I feel like I’m just getting by and that’s surviving, not living.

Sorry to leave on such a negative note but that’s how it is sometimes.

Stay well, my friends.

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Nutshell

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

The fam and I are out of town, so this will be quick.

We decided to go to the family lake house before summer camp starts and we’ve had a really good time. Hanging with the cousins. Swimming. Playing corn hole. BBQing. Then a stomach bug hit and that hasn’t been so fun. I haven’t caught it yet – about half the family has been struck down.

Speaking of stomachs, I did not lose any weight this past week. I have no idea why. I’ve been eating well and drinking more than 2 liters of water every day. I don’t think it’ll be hard this coming week because my parents eat healthily, but who knows.

I’m still 179, starting weight 187. I’ll take it.

Maybe if I get the stomach bug I’ll have a little help. Only kidding. My mom and SIL are in total misery.

That’s all for now. Stay well, friends.

Also, I’m writing this one my phone, so if the format looks crazy that’s why.

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Kids

Weerow, Formerly Known as Neon, the Seahorse

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Remember back in the ’90s when McDonalds was giving out Beanie Babies in its Happy Meals? It was all the rage. I remember getting a few Happy Meals to get the Beanie Babies because w51OFN3iWhELe were all going to become rich from collecting them, right? For some particular reason, I only kept one of the Beanie Beanies from the Happy Meals. His or her name was Neon the seahorse and she was born in 1999. I kept it for a long time. Into my 20s and into my 30s. I put it into my children’s stuffed animal collection when I moved out of my parents’ house just because I thought it was cute and didn’t care to get rid of it. 

Anyway, when I had my kids the seahorse was just sitting around in the stuffy bins. Isla never paid attention to it but when Eli was born, he was drawn to it and as soon as he could grip things, the seahorse was his. He took it everywhere. Eventually I got online to find more and I did. You can find anything on Amazon. I found some still in the original McDonalds’ packaging, then I hit the motherlode – they had a 7″ or so one available from Ty so I bought some of those. 

Eli continued to grow but that seahorse (or one of them anyway) would always be near. When he learned to talk, he started to call the seahorse by a name but we really couldn’t understand it. Then one day we did – Weerow. Years later, it’s still Weerow and we’ve gone through at least 10, because eyeballs get chewed out, holes are made and God knows what else. My housekeeper and I have started sewing up the holes and eyes just to save money so we’re not buying so many so often.

Eli loves seahorses so much – I made him a seahorse blanket, he loves to see Weerows at the aquarium and in books. It’s just amazing. And it all started with some stupid Happy Meal toy I got when I was a freshman in high school and kept for 20 years. Life is crazy.

Here’s what Neon (Weerow) is supposed to look like:

IMG_2496

Here are the eye-less, hole-ridden Weerows on their last leg. Er, tail if you will. And the blanket I made Eli. Why are seahorses always neon-colored? 

IMG_2494IMG_2495

Anyway, this blog didn’t have a point. It just warms my heart.

Weerow FOREVER.

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Week 2 Fasting: I’ll Take It

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Week 2 
Starting Weight: 187
Current Weight: 179

So, I lost 2lbs this week, which is great, but after last week’s 6 I was expecting more. But 2lbs gets me out of the 180s and I’m grateful for that. It means I’m that much closer to my goal weight in the 160s. I sound obsessed with the scale but I know when my clothes fit the best based on my weight. Plus, I’m obsessed with the scale. Which you shouldn’t be by the way – you should have non-scale goals, too.

As far as the Intermittent Fasting (IF), I did go most days without eating past 2 p.m. but this was a crazy week with end of the school year parties and Teachers’ Appreciation Week, so I had to eat dinner a couple nights. I still ate healthily.

I’m VERY happy to announce that I had NO Diet Coke this week. Not one sip. Last week I had a few sips here and there – nothing close to a whole can. Now I can say I went the whole week. I’m so proud of myself. I’ve been drinking Diet Coke for almost 20 years (yes, I’m old) and for the past 10 years my doctor has been begging me to stop*. He will give me a gold star for sure. Right after he jams my B12 shot into my arm.

Speaking being B12 deficient, my depression has been better since I started fasting and losing weight. I don’t know if it’s my diet or the ketamine infusions I’ve been getting – I received one three weeks ago and one last week. Even though sometimes anxiety and depression start biting at my ankles it’s not enough to bring me down. This allows me to keep eating healthy, drink water, make healthy decisions for myself and not sabotage my progress. My depression would not allow any of this to happen.

Getting back to the subject, I know I can’t lose 6lbs every week, like the first week – it’s unrealistic – so I know I need to exercise to speed up my weight loss. (As I’m writing this, I’m saying to myself 2lbs is good and I need to chill.) But exercise is good anyway. I’m still too nervous to go to the gym, I don’t know why, so I’m going to try my husband’s stationary bike. I hope after a few days I’ll get bored enough to go back to the gym to my favorite treadmill and eventually lift weights again. Maybe I’ll just woman up and go to the gym, lol.

This week I will be positive and continue doing IF as best I can. What healthy decisions are you making this week, friends?

 

*Diet soda has links to weight gain and metabolic syndrome, which can make diabetes worse or increase the risk of it developing. Some sweeteners in diet soda even cause insulin spikes in the blood which worsens insulin sensitivity over time and can eventually raise blood sugar levels, according to MedicalNewsToday.com

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Diet Coke

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

sp44845245_sc7I can remember the day I took my first drink of Diet Coke. I was 18 and had been addicted to Coke but started a preventive migraine medicine. One of the weird side effects was that it made carbonated beverages taste different. Coke tasted horrible, so I figured I’d try Diet Coke, I was cutting the calories, right? That was 17 years ago. 

Before I recently quit, I loved Diet Coke. I drank up to 5 or 6 a day. Water always came second. It was such a treat to me and always what I needed in the morning – that taste of it burning down my throat and giving my the caffeine boost I needed to start my day. Then I’d get to work and have like 5 more. That burn in the morning and the feeling of “ahh, this day will be ok” is what I miss most. It’s almost making me want one right now, but I know if I took a sip it would let me down, it would taste badly and make me feel bloated and sick.

When I moved to Corpus Christi, I saw a new doctor. When he learned that I drank Diet Coke, he told me to stop. I didn’t. Next month (9 years later), I get to tell him that I’ve stopped after trying to stop that whole 9 years. Oh, yeah. I’ve tried before, always half-heartedly and never got anywhere past 2 weeks. But this time is different. I’m not going back. I have no reason to. 

All the findings of Diet Coke scare me: it’s linked to diabetes and heart disease. It’s also linked to depression and we all know I don’t need more of that 🙂 But seriously, it doesn’t cause weight loss, it’s not nutritious and there’s really no reason to drink it, besides it being delicious. And after quitting for a few days, it doesn’t even taste good anymore. I promise. 

It’s bittersweet writing this blog – a dumb blog about soda – but I think what makes me sad is there is no “treat” for me in the fridge anymore. Diet Coke became a comfort for me. I drink water and tea now but nothing can replace that feeling of grabbing a cold one at 3 p.m. when your kids are driving you crazy and you just need a pick-me-up until your husband comes up and helps you with your hot mess family. 

(And don’t even get my started on coffee – I tried it for weeks and nothing worked for me. You can’t convince me that any of it is good.)

Anyway, so long Diet Coke. You needed to go but that doesn’t mean I won’t miss our years together.

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