Author

Heather Loeb

For decades I've struggled with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, avoidant personality disorder, dysthymia and an eating disorder. I pen my misadventures here, but you can also find my column in the Corpus Christi Caller-Times (caller.com). Thanks for reading and for your support.

Kids

Parenting with Depression

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I don’t talk about this much because I don’t want to come across as a bad mom but parenting with depression is hard. It can be real hard. Depression depletes your energy, at least it does mine, and what little I have left goes to the kids, I know – you can’t pour with an empty cup and all that. But what little energy I have, I have to spend it on feeding, bathing, dressing, and reading to the kids. And of course, getting them to school and back.

View More: http://jenniferstewartphotography.pass.us/loebfamily2018Luckily for me, the kids go to preschool for most of the day and I can go to therapy, take time for myself or take a nap before they come home. When they do get home, I get anxious what do with them and just want to lie down. YouTube is watched a lot around here when I’m going through a really bad depressive episode. That’s not something I’m proud of. My mother-in-law helps A LOT, which makes me feel guilty, and I feel like I rely on her too much. And I’m just talking about the depression, I haven’t even touched on my migraines and their frequency.

Because the kids take up so much energy, my showers get missed, I don’t cook dinner for my husband and me, and my house is a disaster. It’s so overwhelming and I feel like a failure on both the mom and the wife front. Then comes more guilt, followed by more anxiety.

Have you ever seen Bad Moms? I can related to one of the characters – Kristen Bell’s character. She happily describes a scene where she’s in the car alone and she gets hit by a car or a truck and has to go to the hospital a long time and basically everyone has to wait on her. Now, I’m not wishing to die here, people. But that scene is funny because a lot of moms can relate to that, whether they admit to it.

View More: http://jenniferstewartphotography.pass.us/loebfamily2018Parenting is so hard and it’s even harder with depression. I guess that’s why I love going to my mom’s house because she helps me with the kids and sometimes I don’t have to lift a finger. She cooks all the meals, helps with bath time or even just does it herself. As a grandma, she likes it. I hope.

I know intellectually I’m a good mom. I’m the first person they see in the morning and I’m the last person they see at night. I make them breakfast, pack their lunches and sort of put dinner together. I read to both every night. And I tell them I love them every single day. They are loved and they are taken care of. I know they can see I love them through my actions.

It sounds like I’m trying to convince you but I guess it’s me I’m trying to convince. There will always be this feeling that I’m not enough.

But depression is a liar.

Anxiety is a liar.

My brain just has to come to terms with that.

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Week 1 Fasting: 6 lbs

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Well, I did it – I made it through Week 1 of Intermittent Fasting (IF) and I survived. Not only did I survive but I lost 6 pounds. And to be honest, I didn’t even fast the last couple of days of the week.

Six pounds sounds like a lot but I completely changed the way I ate. I was literally eating McDonalds for breakfast, Whataburger for lunch and ordering out for dinner every day before this. It was probably a real shock to my system when I started fasting. Plus, I stopped drinking Diet Coke (this article tells you why it’s bad). I had a few sips here and there but I regretted it at once – it didn’t taste good at all. I switched to water and tea. I drink a ton of water, I’m not bloated and I feel better. My depression is also a little better but it’s still hard to do some things and I’m still fatigued.

However, I still feel really uncomfortable in my body. My back is still hurting – I’m guessing from the extra weight I put on and I don’t feel like I look any different. I am glad that I lost so much in one week, it is encouraging but still.

Again, let me go over what exactly I’m doing. I’m doing 16:8, which means I fast for 16 hours out of the day and eat for 8 hours. My plan suggests I start eating between 6 – 8 a.m. I usually eat breakfast at 7:30 and I have to get two more meals in before 2 p.m. That’s my cutoff window. I drink water or tea for the rest of the day. If I’m too hungry, I can have a low-carb snack before bed.

Now, I followed this for several days, then began to eat dinner (plus my other three meals during the day) sometimes when I wasn’t even hungry. Mental block. But this week I plan on following the plan exactly as written.

I think my biggest challenges coming up are going to the movies with my friends – it’s the Alamo Drafthouse where they serve food and I always order a pizza. Also, after school lets out, we’re visiting my parents at their lake house in Mabank and it’s really going to be hard cutting my meals off at 2, because my dad cooks delicious dinners. I have heard of people switching their meal windows from noon to 8 p.m. but I’m kinda scared to do that. Anyone ever do that and lost weight?

Anyway, here’s my picture from last week on the left and this week on the right for comparison. I don’t know if you can see changes but wanted to post. Note: I am wearing a different bra, so that doesn’t count.

I’ll update you again next week. Thanks for the support.



 

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Exhaustion

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

You know when you wake up and you’re in a good mood? You don’t even have to think about it, you just have a good day…

I don’t.

If I wake up in a good mood, which is rare, I have to constantly monitor my emotions to keep myself in a good mood. My therapist pointed out to me that (most) other people just have emotions but I have to manage mine. And it’s exhausting. I think that’s why I have to compulsively eat, compulsively shop or take something, like an anxiety pill, just to feel ok. Anything throughout my day could set me off or unnerve me and I’m always on alert. It leaves me feeling so depleted all the time, and along with my depression, I’m just so worn out.

I’ll tell you a story that isn’t the best example but it’s the only thing I can think of right now. My husband told my daughter that she could get a new kitten. I wasn’t on board at first, as we have three older cats now. I finally got on board and I went to look at some kittens alone last week. I was excited. I was having a great day and almost felt manic, which when I look back, I probably just felt like a “normal person.” Even my husband commented on what a good mood I was in. Back to the kittens. I found one that I liked and called my husband. I thought we could bring the kitten home and surprise the kids. I thought wrong. My husband said no – that we would have to wait until we got back from out of town. We’re leaving for a week after the kids get out of school.

I was crushed. I immediately felt depressed. All the happiness that was running through my veins turned cold and I couldn’t stop crying. I knew this wasn’t over the kitten, I didn’t even like it that much. It took me a few hours to realize that I was scared and disappointed because the feeling of happiness could be gone just like that. That I’m so fragile. I had stopped managing my emotions.

Again, that was last week and I haven’t felt that great since. It’ll come back, I’m sure. I hope. And if it does, I can’t let my guard down for a second.

I’m tired just thinking about it.

Stay in the light, my friends.

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Emotional Eating

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Update: I’m doing very well with my intermittent fasting but wanted to talk about emotional eating and what drives it.

Somewhere inside me, there’s a void. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know where it is – I just know that when I want or need to fill it I do two things: eat or shop. I’m always doing one or the other (or both) – a compulsion is always present. Mainly, emotional eating. As I mentioned in my Weight Gain blog, it’s the only part of my day that I feel happy, but that’s just it – it’s not real happiness and it brings on more guilt than anything.

I talked to my therapist about this today. I have a great life. I have everything I need and want: a great family, nice house, awesome kids and a wonderful husband. Where is this void coming from?

I honestly don’t know.

I’ll tell you what I do know. When I binge or compulsive eat, the food will be bad for me and obviously I will eat too much of it. Sometimes, I’ll do it in private when the kids are at school or when David is asleep. I’ll even eat in my car if I think my housekeeper is at the house. I guess I don’t want them to judge me. I don’t want them to know I’m going to eat half or an entire pizza to feel good for maybe 15 minutes, if that, feel guilty but then do it all over again the next day.

This isn’t just eating unhealthy occasionally and gaining a few pounds. As I mentioned in my other blog, this is gaining 20lbs in two months. This is eating until I feel sick and uncomfortable. This is terrible.

And it’s usually comfort I seek when I’m eating. I make excuses like “oh, I had a long day” or “the kids were driving me nuts today.” I’ve got to realize that’s going to happen all the time. That’s life. I have to deal without food making it “better.”

But it’s not really the kids misbehaving or having long days that drives me to emotionally eat – it’s that emptiness inside. Where is it coming from? I just can’t figure it out.

I don’t hate myself. I don’t want to sabotage myself. I don’t lack self-awareness. But I don’t have the answers either.

I’m not asking for a psychoanalysis either, folks. Just getting it out there, because if your keep it inside it stays a secret and bounds you.

 

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Fasting as Fast as I Can Go

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

So, a lot of you responded to my weight gain blog. Tons of you reached out and said you were in the same boat, which is nice to hear that I’m not alone but it also means maybe I should share some of my weight loss journey, which shouldn’t be too depressing. One would hope.

Yesterday, I started a intermittent fasting plan. Basically I eat three meals a day but only between certain hours. I can eat between 6 a.m. and 2 p.m. and that’s it. I can have water and tea anytime, but mainly tons of water Now, I want to be clear that I don’t consider this a diet but making healthy life changes. I do not think fasting is sustainable for the rest of my life but I do hope it will encourage me to make healthier choices and help me gain momentum to start losing weight. Also, I’m not advocating fasting. Check with your doctor before your start any diet changes or exercise plan. You’ve been put on notice.

Anywho, I made it through the day better than I thought. I accidentally skipped my third meal because I read the plan wrong but I wasn’t that hungry during dinner time and David graciously didn’t eat in front of me, so there’s that. I also didn’t have any Diet Coke SO THERE’S THAT, TOO. I’m been trying to quit for years and even though it’s been one day it feels like years.

I want to document this journey with pics, so below you’ll find pictures of what I started at and I’ll post updates throughout this process. I also won’t be a liar and tell you I’m perfect. If I make mistakes while trying to make these life changes, I’ll ‘fess up. There’s no “cheating”, this is all a learning process. I’ll even tell you the numbers on the scale.

Yesterday, it was 187. I’m 5’7”, making my BMI 29.3, which is considered Overweight on the charts.

 

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So Much Weight

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

We all know that depression is a huge weight to carry but do you know what else is heavy? Actual body fat and I’ve got a surplus right now. I mean it. I’ve gained 20lbs in the past two months and it ain’t pretty.

At first, the weight started to just creep up, then I ignored the scale, ate Whataburger everyday and threw caution to the wind (and chocolate in my mouth).

I am so uncomfortable. My back is hurting again – it hasn’t hurt since my breast reduction last year. None of my clothes fit me right and I’m just disappointed with myself. I feel embarrassed and judged by strangers and those I love. I don’t know why.

There’s nothing like getting depressed about your weight while you’re actually depressed. I know some depressed folk who won’t take medication, effective medication, because one of the side effects is weight gain. The struggle is real. And for me, compulsive eating is a coping mechanism so this happens quite often. I eat my feelings and as it turns out I have a lot of feelings. Sometimes eating is the only joy I have in my joy as sad as that sounds. Also, if eating a certain meal felt good one time, I often go back to the meal to recreate feeling good. Even if it doesn’t work the second time, I still go back for more. I’m not a fast learner.

I know what I need to do to be healthy; it’s just hard when I can barely take a shower. But if I can drive my ass to Whataburger, I can drive to the gym, right? We’ll see.

There’s a 5K coming up in November I want to do, so I want to start running again. Along with eating healthier, I’ll make that my goal and maybe I can get these awful extra pounds off.

See below when I felt sexy and hot and a picture I took Saturday and felt blah.

 

 

I know I’m still beautiful and all that, blah blah, but I’m just so uncomfortable – did I mention that? In the picture on the left, I felt so sexy and wore cute clothes all the time. On the right, I feel like a hot mess – like fat girl in a little coat. I hope y’all are old enough to get that reference.

I’m going to shut up about it now.

So here I am going up a hill, depression/anxiety riding my back with the added bonus of 20 extra pounds.

I’m already sweating.

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Endorphins and Sandcastles

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

58384722_10103529967079724_4680691183503015936_oYesterday I was feeling good enough to drag my family to the beach. This may sound simple but I had to prepare snacks, drinks, load up the car with chairs, bring towels, lather up my kids in sunscreen, bring the beach toys, etc. It was like a Navy Seals mission for someone like me.

But I had fun. We built sandcastles and swam in the ocean. We lost toys that I told them not to bring in the ocean. I had a very good day. I felt happy and with all the sad days I write about on here, I must celebrate the good ones here, too. They are few and far between but I have noticed I’m coming across more and more. Ketamine infusions? God answering my prayers?

Who knows but I’m taking it.

Stay in the light, my friends.

 

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Treatment Resistant Depression

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

As I’ve mentioned in 389,432 of my other blogs, I have treatment resistant depression (TRD). It may sound like its not curable, but by definition it means one is non responsive to at least two antidepressants for a period of time. It also is characterized by extreme sadness, sleep disturbances, low energy, suicidal ideation and suicidal attempts.

TRD is experienced by 45 percent of patients with a major depressive disorder. That’s just crazy to me. It contributes to nearly one-third of patients attempting suicide in their lifetime, a rate more than double that of their treatment responsive peers, according to this article by Psychiatry Advisors.

While psychiatrists cannot pinpoint why some are treatment resistant, researchers have seen correlations in certain populations who are more vulnerable than others. For instance, women and senior citizens. Individuals who have had severe or recurring bouts of depression also appear to be more susceptible, according to Johnson and Johnson’s website on health.

What I found most interesting is other medical illnesses can play a part in TRD. The article states that thyroid disease and chronic pain (I have both thyroid disease and chronic migraines) makes you a greater risk for treatment resistant depression. Mind blown.

Other factors include substance abuse and eating and sleep disorders. I also suffer from compulsive eating and insomnia. I should donate my body to science when I die.

So, what happens with you’re treatment resistance and your meds don’t work? We do have options. We can go on the highest dosages of our meds – IF YOU’RE DOCTOR THINKS THAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU – or there are non-drug therapies which I’ve mentioned in the past, such as transcranial magnetic stimulation, ketamine infusions and ECT, which helps reverse symptoms of TRD.

I think the only non-drug therapy I haven’t mentioned in detail is ECT (electro-convulsant therapy), which is effective to 70-80 percent of patients. This is not to be confused of electroshock therapy, poorly portrayed in movies and TV. ECT uses general anesthesia intentionally triggering a quick seizure. It’s meant to reverse symptoms of mental health problems and as of now is the best treatment for depression.

So, as of now I’ve definitely more than two antidepressants/antipychotics: Doxepin, Zoloft, Prozac, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Abilify, Rexulti, Saphris and Seroquel. For me, that’s a lot. I’m also tried Lamictal as a mood stabilizer.

I’ve also tried TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation), ketamine infusions and I’m about to try the Spravato nasal spray which is based on ketamine.

Here’s to my people who are treatment resistant. You’re not alone and hopefully there will be better alternatives in the future.

One thing I forgot, there’s also a genetic test you can take that can tell you which antidepressants will work better for you. It’s called the cytochrome P450 (CYP450) test. Ask your doctor if this is an option for you.

Stay well. Stay in the light.

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Picking a Good Psychiatrist

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I briefly touched on this before but when I had postpartum and post-weaning depression, my then doctor was the wrong one to see. He said I couldn’t take Zoloft while I was breastfeeding (wrong) and had no suggestions when I was suffering post-weaning depression. I decided I would not see a man again. I didn’t mean this to be a sexist choice, just a personal preference. Obviously, this one doctor wasn’t up to date on current practices.

Even before postpartum care, he only saw me for about 15 minutes each time, which made me feel rushed and that he didn’t care. He had put me on a couple of different antidepressants, neither seemed to work, so he just kept me on them stating those were my only options and adding some anxiety and sleeping pills to the mix. So, I thought there were no other pills I could take. Wellbutrin XL and Zoloft were it for me. He didn’t even recommend therapy, which I was doing anyway.

Luckily I found a doctor that specialized in women’s mental health issues. Unfortunately, she’s in Southlake (Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex), so I travel up there once in a while to see her face-to-face and the rest of the time we have phone visits. She even has an email address that patients have access to.  I don’t ever feel rushed and our conversations are as long as I need them to be. I feel that she really listens.

I thought I’d offer some tips when looking for a new doc. So, when considering a psychiatrist, first ask for referrals from other doctors or friends first. It’s also imperative you do research online to view the doctors’ credentials, years of experience, what they specialize in and read reviews other patients have left. And, of course check if the doctors take your insurance. This goes for therapists, too.

And don’t be afraid to just try the doctors out. You don’t have to commit.. When it’s time for your visit, consider how they make you feel – are they listening, do you feel safe, are they rushing you, etc. This is an interview for them – not you. It’s a very personal decision and you have to be your own advocate.

Another important thing that falls on you is to be a good patient. Be honest with the doctor or therapist. If you’ve had trauma in your past, tell them. If you’ve abused certain meds, tell them. They need to know every medication you’ve taken and are taking. If you’re not honest with them, they can’t help you to the best of their ability.

Hope this helps.

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When I Hit Rock Bottom

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

About two years ago, I felt great. I was taking two HIIT (high intensity interval training) classes a week and when I wasn’t doing that I was training to run a 5K, a feat for me because I hate running. I felt so strong, so energetic and proud of myself. I was doing hard things, things I didn’t think I could do. I was a role model to my kids.

In June 2017 I ran the 5K. I was happy. A couple weeks later I started to feel bad. I wasn’t sick but I started to lose momentum with my workouts. Things that were once easy or doable became hard. Waking up in the morning was hard. I didn’t know what was going on. I knew I had depression but I was doing so well. It had been well over a year since I had Eli, it couldn’t be postpartum depression – I was over that.

I took whatever energy I could muster and put it toward the kids, which meant I suffered more. Showers seemed near impossible. I stopped working out. I just wasn’t myself.

In October, I hit rock bottom. I had suicidal thoughts. I was crying at every little thing. I felt anxious all the time and my marriage was suffering. Thankfully, my mother in law was helping with the kids.

During a school break, we took the kids up to my parents’ house. I had also made an appointment with a new psychiatrist who specialized in women’s mental health in Southlake. My then current pyschiatrist wasn’t cutting it. While my parents’ and the kids were at my parents’ lake house, my husband and I got into a huge fight and I just lost it. I was sobbing uncontrollably and suicidal. This next part is hard – I knew where some hydocodone was and I had a plan to take some but I didn’t want my mom to find my body. I called my best friend and she urged me to go to the ER.

I waiting for hours at the ER for them to transfer me to a psychiatric hospital. Around midnight, hours after I’d arrived, I was taken by ambulance to a psych ward at another hospital. I was there two and a half days. The psychiatrist there was a total dick. He wouldn’t release me until he “talked to my husband about my illness” and didn’t listen to anything I said. Because I had an appointment with the psychiatrist in Southlake, he ended up letting me go after talking to my husband of course.

When I met with Dr. Johnson, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. She diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder, PMDD, generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety. My old doctors just said I was depressed and never spent more than 15 minutes with me. Dr. Johnson spent more than an hour talking to me. She put me on medications I had never heard of, that my doctors never mentioned, and I left the office crying tears of happiness.

I did get better, I’m better than I was that awful October but I’m treatment resistant, so medication can only go so far for me. That’s why I try alternative treatments like TMS, ketamine infusions and soon the ketamine nasal spray. Right now, I’m definitely not suicidal but I have to struggle though days, some more than others.

If you’re suicidal, please go to the nearest ER or tell your doctor – any doctor. There is help and it does get better. You can also call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Someone is there 24 hours a day to help you.

Thanks for listening. This blog was a hard one to write.

 

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