Category:

Depression

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In a Nutshell: My Week in Review

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

This week was a challenging one, but overall, pretty good. I’ve been spending most of my days packing up the house, as we’ll move into the new one next month. There’s a ton to do, but I’ve been staying on top of it pretty well. I’m really excited about moving in. It’s been a long two years since we broke ground.

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Today has been challenging because I threw all my Diet Coke in the trash, and I’ve started doing a “pouch reset,” which is a diet that will help me get my stomach back to post-op size. It’s very restrictive, and I’ve mostly drank protein shakes today, so I’m a little irritable. I love food. And Diet Coke, but I had to move on and make a concerted effort to take care of myself, really take care of myself. You can read all about my self realizations here.

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Today my family went to the yacht club to do pumpkin carving and swimming, and I really enjoyed myself.

Tomorrow I have another article coming out in the paper, so I’m looking forward to that as well. I think it’s going to be a good week. At least, I hope so.

I hope all of you are doing well and staying in the light.

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Personal Growth is So Annoying

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I’ve found myself saying “personal growth is so annoying” all week — to my husband, therapist, best friend. It’s been a week of intense introspection where I’ve realized I haven’t been taking care of myself as I should. I’ve fallen off the wagon of self care, careening right into binge eating and negative self talk. All these negative thoughts have been ruminating in my head.

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I’m beautiful, and my body is beautiful.
I need to appreciate and nurture it

But the thing bothering me the most is my binge eating. Last year I had weight loss surgery — the gastric sleeve — and I really can’t eat a whole lot. But I find myself pushing my limits, eating until I’m uncomfortably full and can hardly breathe. I’ve gained about 15 pounds since the start of COVID-19, and I’m so ashamed. I should be thinner almost a year after my surgery. I shouldn’t be drinking Diet Coke. I shouldn’t be eating junk all day long — so long that sometimes my jaw hurts from chewing all the crap I put in my mouth.

I feel like a failure, but today I hit a breaking point. I’d been eating all day. It felt like my skin didn’t fit anymore and suddenly I was aware of every inch of my skin. I took a bath and tried to wash away my overeating sins and shame.

Then it hit me. I have to stop doing this. There was a reason I got the weight loss surgery, and it shouldn’t be a quick fix, it should be a tool, and I need to start using it as such. I’m not a lost cause. Sure, I’ve gained 15 pounds, but who hasn’t in the midst of the pandemic? Not that it’s an excuse. But I have to start eating more healthily or I truly believe I’ll put myself in an early grave.

For the first time in a long time I feel hope. I told David what I was thinking, and he was very understanding as always. I know sometimes I put him in a hard spot because I ask him to help me be accountable but then get mad when he tries to help.

He told me he believed in me and had a suggestion: I need to quit Diet Coke. This hit me hard. I’ve struggled for a decade trying to quit Diet Coke. When I got the surgery, I did for a bit, but then started taking sips here and there, which turned into a 12-pack every week, then two 12-packs.

I love Diet Coke. I love that when I come downstairs in the morning with the kids, who are usually arguing and not telling me what they want for breakfast, that the first thing I do is grab a Diet Coke. The first few sips are the best — it burns all the way down and is so crisp. I usually down the first one fast, then maybe one or two more before I take the kids. Then a couple throughout the day. It feels like a treat. Why I feel I need a treat that often, I do not know. It almost feels like a security blanket.

But diet soda just isn’t good for you (especially if you’ve had the sleeve), and although I love it, I must say good-bye. I need to bid farewell to disorderly eating. Logically, I know it’s not good for me, but in the moment I think it will be great. And it might taste amazing, but any pleasure I get is temporary.

Any pleasure I get is temporary. What’s not is the shame I feel. The discomfort and pain, too. That seems so permanent.

After my discussion with David, I threw out all the Diet Coke I had in the house, even the ones that I just bought today. It’s silly, but it made me so sad. I threw out the Butterfinger I had hidden in the fridge, the bag of white cheddar popcorn and a box of Fruit Roll-ups. The food I don’t care about. Eating healthy seems so much easier than forgoing my diet soda habit.

But I have to do what I have to do, because isn’t that all a form of self-harm — bingeing on junk food and chugging Diet Coke? I’m only eating my feelings, trying to bury them down deep and hoping for the best. I think it’s safe to say that this is not a healthy or productive way to deal with life. And someone like me, whose brain doesn’t function properly, can’t live that way. Nobody can, actually.

I have to learn to sit with my feelings. I have to retrain my brain on what constitutes as a “treat.” I have to rein in the negative ruminations. I have to get uncomfortable, be more vulnerable and let go of these actions that once served me but now do not.

Personal growth is so annoying.

But necessary.

Stay in the light.

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Negative Self Talk

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb
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It starts with something seemingly simple, like telling yourself you’re stupid for making a mistake. Or maybe you begin comparing yourself to others because they have a better body, car, job, etc.

These kind of thoughts, called negative self talk, are extremely dangerous when it comes to your self-esteem and self-worth.

I have no problem admitting this is one of my weaknesses. I catch myself saying things like:
“You’re ugly.
You’re fat.
Everyone thinks you’re a loser.
You’re a terrible mom.”

Just to name a few.

I do my very best to correct these insults as soon as I think them, so I won’t feel worse about myself, but it’s very difficult some days.

That’s the problem with negative self talk — once it enters your brain, it’s very hard to get them out. And once they’re there, they can burrow in deep, making you not just dissatisfied with yourself but dissatisfied with your life in general. It can take a toll on your confidence, increase shame and limit personal growth, according to Psychology Today.

Your thoughts — negative or positive — turn into actions and that’s why you have to be diligent in stopping negative thoughts in their tracks and fostering healthy, happy thoughts, especially if you have depression.

I know that if I let unhealthy thoughts play out, I’ll enter into a depressive episode and practice unhealthy behaviors.

The best way (for me) to think about it is that I have to do some things on a daily basis to maintain my mood and keep depression at bay. For example, exercising. Interrupting my inner critic is no different — just an exercise my mind must do to be healthy, too.

And for me, it’s not enough that I stop the thoughts in their tracks. I find it more helpful to correct my unruly thinking by saying something positive about myself. Like, “I’m a good writer. My kids love me. I’m a kind, generous person,” etc.

It also helps to name your inner critic — this helps separate the negative voice from your own. And at first, I thought I needed to get rid of my inner critic but my therapist has taught me that the inner critic is a part of me and that I need to love her. I initially named my inner critic Ursula, because I thought of a fat, ugly sea witch, but I know now that inner voice needs nurturing, protecting and loving. It may sound weird and I’m not proposing you embrace the mean things your critic tells you but that voice is there for a reason. Maybe it started off trying to keep you safe before it turned negative, I don’t know. But I renamed my inner critic Ann, my grandmother’s name.

I believe I must come to terms with Ann in order to love myself fully. I’m not an expert, but I do challenge you to do the same.

Another thing that helps me with negative self talk is to phrase things to myself the way I speak to my kids (a best friend works, too) when they need comforting. I would never tell them they’re stupid or say something else ugly — never — so why is it OK for me to talk to myself that way?

If you catch yourself thinking mean and hateful things (and can’t change the negative to positive), I highly recommend trying cognitive behavioral therapy. I love therapy and it has helped me grow so much.

For more ways to stop negative thinking, read this Psychology Today article.

Stay in the light.

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In a Nutshell: My Week in Review

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

This past week was a good week, even though it started off with an ECT. For some reason, that treatment was rougher than usual. I had a lot of confusion and memory loss but maybe that’s a good sign? I don’t know. I’m going to start tracking how long the seizures are and compare it to my subsequent behavior to see if there’s a pattern.

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This past week, I was told that the mental health series I wrote for the local paper would be published on Monday (tomorrow) and I’ve very excited about that. I have six pieces, so they’ll run every Monday for six weeks.

I also was asked to be the main speaker at a suicide prevention symposium, which is being held by my state representative. I’m nervous but very excited about that.

Yesterday, David and I went to the new house we’re building, and they are almost done — thank God! It’s been two years, so I’m very anxious to move in. I started ordering the kids bedroom furniture, and that just got me more excited. I really can’t wait. But now, I have to start to pack, lol.

That’s pretty much it. I hope you guys have a great week. Thanks for reading.

Stay in the light, friends.

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I’m Not for Everyone

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

In the not-so-distant past I’ve had trouble with is that I want everybody to love me, and because of this, I don’t think I’ve been my most authentic self around people. I was a people pleaser. I sought the approval of people who really shouldn’t shape my behavior (family, friends, acquaintances I met at the kids’ school). Usually people pleasers have low self-esteem and self-worth. It’s just not realistic for everyone to like me.

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The only person I should care about liking me is me. And maybe my husband.

I’m tired of thinking, “Oh, is this person mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Do I need to apologize?”

I would actually go through my texts or social media posts to see if I posted something offensive or controversial. That’s nuts, and it’s no way to live. I don’t want the responsibility for how others feel anymore. Rejection, if that’s what it is, is OK.

I’m a good person — a nice person. I’m kind, generous and I love hard. If someone doesn’t like me, fine. I think I’m great. It just took me a really long time to get here.

I look back and think of some of my therapy appointments. It was really hard admitting that I’m a good person, and it was unbelievably hard saying something nice about myself or even discussing the good things happening in my life.

I’m tired of that, though. I’m tired of overanalyzing my behaviors and social media posts. I’m also tired of freaking out when I think someone is mad. Just because they’re mad doesn’t mean I did anything wrong. It makes me avoid conflict, and that’s not healthy either.

I’m not for everybody. And that’s OK. I just want to be me — an advocate for mental health, lover of the F word, a “bleeding heart” liberal, an anxious (and sometimes very depressed) person, a kind hearted person who sings no matter where she goes, someone who will admit when she’s wrong, someone I cherish for all these reasons and more.

It’s a long road to love yourself, and I’m no means close to the finish line on that, but I feel it starts with letting go of the idea that you have to please everybody.

I’m an amazing person for so many reasons, but one think I’m not that I need to remind myself of is — I’m not for everyone. I’m for me.

My tips on how to stop people pleasing:

  1. Be OK with saying “No”
  2. Accept who you are, with no exceptions
  3. Know that it’s OK if not everybody likes you
  4. Practice self-care
  5. Don’t place more importance others’ opinions than yours
  6. Set priorities and only do things that will advance those priorities
  7. Ditch toxic personalities

Download my Self-Care Checklist below:

Self-Care-Checklist-2Download
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Suicide

6 Myths About Suicide

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb
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Suicide is widely misunderstood, which makes sense because it’s considered a taboo subject in most every culture and just isn’t talked about enough. I get why some people don’t want to talk about it, but suicide rates are increasing in the U.S. I believe they will increase even more now that we’re dealing with a pandemic.

There will be lasting effects of coronavirus, and it’s undoubtedly going to wreak havoc on mental health in this country, not to mention, the rest of the world.

If we could normalize talk of suicide, I truly believe we could save lives, even – and especially – during times of crisis.   

It’s important to note that suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S., so this isn’t an uncommon problem.

Below you’ll find some of the most common myths relating to suicide.

  1. You shouldn’t bring it up – Don’t be afraid to broach the subject with someone who may have suicidal thoughts. Experts agree that by bringing it up, you’re not making it worse or giving anyone ideas. When you start the conversation, you are allowing someone to vent, and maybe by talking openly with you, your loved one might feel less overwhelmed by their feelings. And as I mentioned earlier, the more we talk about suicide, the more we reduce its stigma.
  2. Someone who’s suicidal truly wants to die – I speak from personal experience when I say this: when I have been suicidal, and there have been many instances, and experiencing suicidal thoughts, I’m doing so because I am overwhelmed with pain and just want it to stop. I don’t necessarily want to die, but when you’re in that much pain, all you can think about is it stopping. It’s understandable to me why people do die by suicide because of that.
  3. Someone who doesn’t have depression won’t die by suicide – While depression does increase the likelihood of dying by suicide, it does not need to be present in a loved one for them to be suicidal. Financial and work stress can contribute to someone feeling suicidal. Drug and alcohol substance and/or abuse also can contribute.
  4. Someone who is suicidal or who has attempted suicide is seeking attention or being dramatic – This is a dangerous assumption. Please treat every threat of suicide as a dire crisis, because it is. Even if you think they’re “being dramatic,” it’s easier to take a friend to the emergency room than a morgue. Anyone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts should be considered as in crisis mode and you should act appropriately. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or use text the Crisis Text line by texting HOME to 741741.
  5. Giving someone a crisis hotline phone number is enough – While I have found the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline to be extremely helpful in my times of crisis, sometimes it’s better to talk face-to-face with a friend or take your loved one to the hospital to ensure they are safe. Help your loved one come up with a Safety Plan, a simple guide of who to call and coping skills to use if in crisis. View an example of a safety plan here.
  6. People who die by suicide are selfish or taking the “easy way out” – I hate when I hear this. There’s nothing easy about being mentally ill or having suicidal thoughts. You don’t choose to have them, and all you want is to stop them. That’s not easy or selfish. Be compassionate and realize that if someone is seriously thinking about ending their life, it must be for good reason. Be a friend and leave judgement at the door.  

The best thing you can do as a friend is research ways to help your loved one, refrain from using judgement, sit with them if they are suicidal and take them to the hospital if they are in immediate danger of hurting themselves. DO NOT leave them alone, even if they ask you to leave. Stay with them to keep them safe.

Don’t be afraid to be direct and ask things, such as “Are you suicidal? Do you have a plan? Have you attempted before? Do you have a gun in your house?” and more. It might be uncomfortable, but it’s the best way to help.

Again, I just want to mention that there’s a 24-hour hotline, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline that you can call at 1-800-273-8255. And the Crisis Text Line, just text HOME to 741741.

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Self-care

Self Destruct Mode: OFF

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb
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I’ve been feeling pretty great lately, which is a bit unusual, but hey, I’ll certainly take it. When I feel this good I tend to treat myself better, I’m more productive and generally in a good mood.

But I’ve noticed, even with these good moods, there’s still a part, albeit a small part, of me that looks for ways to be unhealthy. For example, I’ll get the urge to overeat, even when I’m not hungry. I’ll think, “What pills can I take to feel good?” even though I have no such pills. Images of cutting myself will appear, even though I surely don’t want to do that.

I’m aware that it’s happening and I know it’s 100-percent my lying ass brain spreading more lies. It’s just a malfunction. It’s not really real, but emotions are energy in motion, and I can’t let these awful thoughts fester in my head.

If I do, unhealthy behaviors take control and with them come intrusive, unhealthy thoughts. My control over these thoughts and behaviors loosens, and just like that, I’m in a dark, ugly place that I can’t find my way out of. It’s like being in a deep hole and my depression is just too heavy, weighing me down and preventing me from climbing out.

It’s a slippery slope, a dangerous one for me, given that I can become suicidal very quickly.

I have to take inventory of my emotions constantly to prevent this. I have to be fully aware of how I feel and avoid switching to autopilot where I might miss something. I have to be so diligent so I can avoid that hole. And honestly, it’s exhausting and feels like sometimes it’s too much or not worth doing. Before I’d try to figure out why I was having these thoughts and ask what it meant, but like I said, it’s just a malfunction. I need to stop wasting time wondering why and just dismiss the thoughts. They’re not worth thinking.

I must release the energy that fuels these damaging thoughts and refocus if in a productive way, channeling it into exercise and writing, etc.

A self care check list is helpful to have so I can stay on top of the things I need to do to prevent self destruction. Just thinking about all the work I have to do to stay healthy is daunting and tiring. But I have to do it if I want to be happy. This past week has made me realize how much I’ve missed being happy — singing at the top of my lungs in the car and shower, truly enjoying spending time with my kids, reading for pleasure, writing my ass off and exercising. Medicine, ECT and therapy just aren’t enough to maintain my good mood and healthy behaviors. I have to put in the work at it, just like anything else. Sometimes it bothers me that other people don’t have to work as hard at life.

But I don’t do happy-go-lucky — I physically can’t. Happiness, for me, is hard work. It’s sticking to a strict schedule, taking an assortment of pills daily, going to therapy, keeping a close eye on my emotions and lots of prayer. There’s nothing lucky about it. 

I do have to work hard, but the payout is so, so good and that’s what I need to remember. What is the point in having an amazing life if you can’t enjoy it? Why do I spend so much time self-sabotaging? Again, with the “why?”

I’m going to work at my life like it’s my damn job and like it pays, because it is and it does.

It pays so much.

This is the Self Care Checklist that I created. It’s super simple; feel free to download:

Self-Care-ChecklistDownload

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In a Nutshell: My Week in Review

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb
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This week was great.

One morning, while reading the newspaper online, I saw a story about suicide and there was a disclaimer at the end stating the newspaper doesn’t usually report on suicides but this was an exception.

I wrote a Letter to the Editor about how they should be reporting on suicide and talking about it more, otherwise it’s fueling the stigma. You can read that Letter to the Editor here.

I got to thinking that maybe I should pitch a column on mental health, since I send in lots of letters and forum pieces anyway. I had a meeting with the Editor and they agreed to let me write 5 column-style pieces. They’re going to run it as a limited series! I’m so excited. So many good things are happening to me, and it’s hard not to think about when the shoe is going to drop, but I’m grateful. So, so grateful.

I did a good job at eating healthier and following my Self Care Checklist this week. I’m proud of myself, but I need to improve on some things, such as drinking more water, going to sleep on time and snacking.

On another note, I rewarded myself for getting the gig at the paper with a new tattoo — a typewriter with a bird on top. I love it.

Anyway, that’s all for me this week. I hope this coming week goes well for y’all. Thanks for reading.

Stay in the light.

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In a Nutshell: My Week in Review

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

This week was a busy one, with Isla’s birthday on Friday then her party Saturday. On Friday, my parents drove down to Corpus Christi to surprise her, and I think she was most excited about that.

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I was worried about her party on Saturday. Not a lot of people RSVP’ed and I rented a snow cone truck (so cool!) to set up in our drive way, but a lot of people came. That made me so happy. I get party anxiety (that’s a thing, right?) because a couple years ago, hardly anyone showed up for her birthday at Chuck E. Cheese, but honestly, she didn’t even notice. I need to chill with that, I know.

Some people just drove by and others stayed for snow cones and to play in the yard. Isla had so much fun, and so did Eli.

I was focused on her party all week, but I also managed to get 20,000 words written of my book in less than a week. I plan to turn my blogs into a collection of essays, and I’m super pumped about it. It’s always been a dream of mine to write a book, so this big step in that direction.

I feel like things are happening for me and that I’m making them happen (along with God). I want to help people with these blogs and the book and help people to realize they’re not alone in suffering with depression and anxiety. I think that’s so important to hear.

My “mental breakdown” only helped me rebuild myself stronger. I’m mentally tough, I’m resilient, and I no longer feel shame about a disease I can’t control. I’m grateful for all the pain I went through, because it spurred my awakening.

And you can’t be mad at that.

This week, I’m going to focus on my self care checklist again — I didn’t do a great job of that last week — and making healthier choices.

I hope y’all have a great week.

Stay in the light, friends.

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My anxiety worsened after having babies.
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Anxiety and Depression

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

My anxiety worsened after having babies.

I talk a lot about depression, and while that’s important, my anxiety can be just as debilitating, if not more. And if you’re (un)lucky like me, they go hand-in-hand.

When I think back, I can remember having anxiety as young as 12 years old. I can remember having intrusive thoughts about my family dying and I would be obsessively praying they wouldn’t. I also watched The Weather Channel around the clock because I had developed a phobia of storms. I’d watch even if it was good weather. When it would storm, I would get a stomachache and pray over and over.

My anxiety went largely untreated until after I had kids. After my first child, my anxiety manifested itself in weird ways, and if you would’ve asked my then if I had anxiety, I would’ve told you it was just fine. But I wasn’t. When Isla was born I freaked out about the temperature of every room in the house. I had read an article about the “ideal temperature” for babies and couldn’t help but worry about it. I bought little thermometers for each room the baby would be in at any point in the day and adjusted the air/heat accordingly.

I also obsessed over breastfeeding. I kept a detailed log on when I fed Isla and which breast I used and for how long. I kept it for the entire eight months I breastfed. I logged her diapers, too whether it was wet or poopy and how many times throughout the day. I did that for an entire year. That embarrasses me now but anxiety will do what anxiety does — makes you obsessed, worrying about things that aren’t always worth worrying about. But the thing is you can’t stop.

I obsessed over the baby monitor, watching it until I couldn’t stay away any longer. I worried about how loud or quiet the sound machine was and if David and I were too loud downstairs. You’d think as my kids got older I would relax a little but you’d be wrong.

Loud noises would freak me out and it’s still a trigger to this day. I don’t really obsess about those little things anymore but my anxiety is still here and at an all-time high because of the coronavirus. I have panic attacks, some that work me into a complete frenzy. I still feel panic and dread on Sunday nights, like when I was a kid. Sometimes I create problems in my head that aren’t real problems — like someone is mad at me and I worry about thinks I did or said to make them feel that way. My imagination runs away from me and I usually let it.

My anxiety gets really bad around the time of an ECT treatment. It stresses me out to think about going under general anesthesia and I have to talk myself down beforehand. My anxiety hasn’t gotten any better, even after having about 20 treatments.

I take meds for my anxiety and I try to employ coping skills that I’ve picked up in therapy but sometimes it still gets to me. Little things like taking a shower stress me out but I have no idea why. I think that’s what bothers me most — there’s no rhyme or reason to it and it’s hard to control.

A couple of weeks ago I had an anxiety attack at the dentist (which has never happened before). I was supposed to get some fillings replaced but before they could get started I panicked as they put the nitrous gas mask over my nose. It was embarrassing how much I cried but I couldn’t do anything about it.

A lot of people experience anxiety. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, more than 40 million Americans have an anxiety disorder. There are different types, such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder and Phobias. Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S. Half of people with depression are also diagnosed with anxiety.

I’m lucky to have a great therapist and psychiatrist who help me deal but only one-third of those suffering with anxiety are treated. Medication and talk therapy can help manage anxiety. I depend a lot on my medication but they only do so much. I have a list of coping skills I use, read more about that here. It’s also important for me to keep a schedule/routine. Interruptions can be a huge trigger, which is why it’s so hard right now with coronavirus. It’s also crucial that I question my thinking when I get caught in a cycle of negative thinking. I ask myself if my thoughts are true and if I’m being realistic or catastrophizing.

Aside from that my other triggers include interrupted/not enough sleep, socializing, traveling and loud noises. When I’m triggered by these things, an attack can feel like someone sitting on my chest. I sweat, shake and can even work myself up to being hysterical if it’s really bad. At times, I feel like throwing up and that I have a million butterflies in my stomach.

Sometimes anxiety attacks can feel like something else, so here’s a list of symptoms you could possibly experience:

  • a feeling of impending doom
  • a feeling you are in danger
  • dizziness
  • heart palpitations
  • trembling/shaking
  • chest pressure

Anxiety is so difficult to manage. I’ve been dealing with it since I was a kid, so I get that it’s not easy. Nothing is easy when it comes to mental illness. But I think the best thing to do is talk about it. I mean, 40 million Americans have it but it’s not widely understood and doctors don’t always screen for it and some don’t even accurately diagnose it. We need to keep the conversation going until it’s normalized — and that goes for all mental illness.

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