Preface: A few weeks ago I fell into a depressive episode, the first since leaving The Menninger Clinic 5 years ago. During that 6-week stay, my medicine was changed, I did intensive therapy, took classes and started electroconvulsive therapy treatments. In the past couple of weeks, I’ve been irritable, fatigued, had a loss of appetite, had problems showering, been sleeping more, etc. A week ago I started a new medication that’s used off-label for treatment-resistant depression. It has been a very difficult time for me.
I’ve been on my new medication for about a week now. I’ve read that it can start working as soon as a week, but won’t be completely effective until about 6 – 8 weeks. But the past two days have been good, and I feel excited and hopeful about what may come.
Earlier this week was challenging. I had two commitments at NAMI that I thought I could handle but at last minute (day before) I panicked, had an anxiety attack and knew I couldn’t make it. I didn’t know what to do until it just came to me — “I should ask for help.” You might think that should be an automatic thought, but I had never asked my friends at NAMI to help like me like that. I’ve asked one or two for help, but never said I was flailing and needed help now.
So I asked.
Within minutes, my NAMI commitments were covered, and grateful tears streamed down my face. I received supporting and kind texts telling me to rest and take care of myself.
The next day one of the Leadership Team members came to do a “wellness check.” She’s a dear friend and gently told me we needed to get organized when it came to covering my future events and presentations. I told her my original plan was not to do those things and focus on what I could do at home. Meetings and presentations are very overwhelming to me right now, and I certainly wanted help with that. So we made a plan, and I felt so relieved. Before I would put meetings or presentations on my calendar, thinking I’d be okay by then, but then I’d have anxiety attacks when it came time to go. This would prevent us from scrambling the day before or day of and prevent a lot of stress.
I talked to most of the Leadership Team, and everybody has been so supportive. They want me well in time to go to the big NAMI Texas Conference Nov. 7 to Nov. 10. That gives me about a month. I feel like I can handle that, and that will give my medicine more time to work.
Even though I’ve had a couple good days this week, I’m still struggling with fatigue and taking showers. I also got on the scale today just to check, not thinking there’d be a big change, and I’ve lost 6 pounds since this depressive episode started. I’ve noticed it has been harder to eat, but I didn’t realize it was that bad. My doctor told me to stop losing weight, but I’m thinking he’d be understanding with everything that’s going on (maybe). So now I have one more thing to worry about, but I guess it’s better than me binge eating.
In other, positive news, I’m not napping so much during the day, even on the weekends. I’m gearing up to start walking on the treadmill in the mornings. I bought new workout clothes and (read Isla) updated my playlist (all Taylor Swift). I feel optimistic about taking care of myself, but I don’t want too excited because I know fatigue and apathy can take over anytime. But I want to stay positive. If I can just get 20 minutes of walking in each day, that’ll help stifle the depression big time. Oh, and I plan on going outside for some sunshine, too.
I’m going to do everything I’m able to get better. I just gotta strike while the iron’s hot. And it’s warming up.