I haven’t written in a couple days and I don’t really feel like writing today. Yesterday, I had my first Spravato treatment, which I’ll get to later, and since then I haven’t felt right. I have a major migraine and I feel really depressed. So far not impressed with Spravato.
Anyway, that’s it for now.
Good times at the ER
Y’all know that I had a stomach bug when I went to the lake house. It was a bad one and even though the throwing up ceased I cannot say the same for what was coming out the other orifice. So, I called me doc to make an appointment for last Friday. I feel asleep and missed said appointment and now I have to wait until tomorrow at 8 a.m. to see him.
On Friday, I go went up my kids but suddenly I start to black out. My vision starts to fade, but I’m able to pull the car over safely and I call the school. David takes me to the ER (which he never does because he never thinks I’m sick enough but then again I’m always sick).
We get in to see a doctor immediately and I explain my symptoms, not just the diarrhea, but the extreme fatigue and what feels like low B12. I also have memory problems and am just so tired. It’s worth mentioning again.
They run labs on me. The labs are fine. Plus my blood pressure is good, which surprised me because I started blacking out. Â They can’t run B12 on me, so my PCP will likely do that Monday.
So they give me fluids and they pain medicine for the abdominal cramps I’m having. I did not ask what pain meds but after feeling really loopy, I ask what it is and it’s DILAUDID. In cause you don’t know, that med is used for severe pain. A few minutes into it, I start having horrible stomach pains – I can’t tolerate some narcotics and that’s one of them.
I was in so much pain from the pain meds that I was about to crawl out of the bed. I started sweating and there was just nothing they could do. I asked for a shot of Phenergan and to go home. The Phenergan helped a little and I came home to writhe in pain my own bed.
Long story short, I still feel fatigued and feel off – I don’t know from what. Diarrhea has stopped but maybe my thyroid or B12 got wonky during the stomach bug.
On another note, I ate really healthily last week and lost 2 lbs, making my total weight loss 10lbs.
I’m now 177, having started at 187.
And I did much better with Diet Coke. I went crazy at my parents’ house but this week I toned it down and I plan on cutting it out completely this coming week. It sucks I have to start over like this but thems the breaks.
I admit I’ll be upset if the doctor doesn’t find anything tomorrow. I don’t want to feel like this and I was feeling pretty good before the stomach bug. Hopefully, it’s just an imbalance somewhere and an easy fix. But I need something to be fixed and in a hurry. Feeling like this only adds to my depression, which I’ve been able to stave off for awhile.
The Dreaded Gym
I used to go to the gym everyday. I used to do high intensity interval training (HIIT) twice a week. I ran a 5K just to prove that I could do it. I did things that were hard but made me feel so strong.
I haven’t worked out in months and months. And maybe more months. I dread the gym. Why? I have no idea. It’s not just the gym, I don’t even want to go outside for a walk or jog. It’s very strange because I felt so good when I’m working out. There’s nothing better than getting all sweaty and knowing that you worked it out, you did your thing and took another step toward being healthy. Besides that, it helps my depression and usually I do whatever it takes to put that bitch it its place.
So, what is wrong with me? As for the dreaded gym, I could feel intimidated, sure. But walking around the block? I could do that. I could even stream videos of workouts at home while the kids are at camp. I really don’t have any excuses. I even have cute workout clothes. So, what is this mental block? Now that I’m writing this, maybe I don’t want to take care of myself but I do everything else to make myself better, as long as it’s easy I guess.
I could sign up for another 5K and let that be my motivation but the last time I did that, I didn’t train – yes I have to train to run 3 miles – so I just bagged it and felt guilty. And wasted my entry fee.
A lot of people are telling me to try Orange Theory, where there are all sorts of people – non-judgmental people – all shapes and sizes who go at their own pace. This is appealing to me, because I’ve heard it’s just like the HIIT classes I used to do but there’s that mental block again.
I just need to jump. My weight is stalling and I need help getting to where I want to be. I want to feel strong again. And I want to show my kids that I’m strong. I want them to be proud of me.
I’ve been mentally rehearsing either going to the gym or going to Orange Theory, so we’ll see how this plays out. Something’s going to change. I can feel it. Or at least I want to feel it. I need to start taking care of myself, no matter what the cost. I’m always willing to try a new treatment or drug but why not this?
Any of you ever felt this way?
Let me start by saying the lake house was a lot of fun. I learned to play corn hole and I learned that I wasn’t very good at corn hole – my sis in law replaced me pretty fast as her partner but I still had a blast playing. The best part of the trip was watching the kids have such a good time. They went swimming, riding on the mule, jet skiing, and playing with a bubble machine. The lake house is truly magical for them. There’s nothing like spending time with your cousins and I’m so glad they have that.
All of that was briefly interrupted by a stomach bug. It started with my niece, then my mother, my nephew, sister in law, my daughter, me, my husband, my aunt and my brother caught the tail end. It was pretty awful for the adults but the kids bounced back rather quickly. I was in a lot of pain, really dizzy and couldn’t eat for days. In fact, I lost 5 pounds which I was really excited about. If you’re going through so much unpleasantness, let’s say, you need some kind of award.
BUT GUESS WHAT. I seemed to have gained it all back despite not eating much since. My stomach is still a little queasy, so I really haven’t partaken in a good meal. I’m very disappointed but oh well. So….
Starting weight: 187
Current weight: 179
Now that I’m back home with my own food, I’m sure I’ll be able to eat my healthy meals and continue to lose some but I’ve been saying that for a couple of weeks now. It’s starting to piss me off.
Also, I feel off the wagon on the Diet Coke front. My parents have no shortage of Diet Coke and it’s in every fridge in the house and lake house. It practically poured itself down my throat, so I’ll have to start over with that. It’ll be easier because I don’t have any here. So, I tell myself.
That’s about all – I did see my psychiatrist while I was up in the Dallas area. She was happy with my meds, even though I told her some days I wake up and say to myself “is this as good as it’s ever going to get?” and she seemed to say yes, it might be. She said for me, depression is a life-long illness and I might never get better but someday I could get to a better place. That depressed me, because I used to see butterflies and rainbows most days. Now I’m lucky to see some moths flying around a light bulb. Not to say I’m totally unhappy with my life. My life is great as far as my family, friends and how fortunate I am. I just miss feeling happy most of the time. Now I feel like I’m just getting by and that’s surviving, not living.
Sorry to leave on such a negative note but that’s how it is sometimes.
Stay well, my friends.
Week 2Â
Starting Weight: 187
Current Weight: 179
So, I lost 2lbs this week, which is great, but after last week’s 6 I was expecting more. But 2lbs gets me out of the 180s and I’m grateful for that. It means I’m that much closer to my goal weight in the 160s. I sound obsessed with the scale but I know when my clothes fit the best based on my weight. Plus, I’m obsessed with the scale. Which you shouldn’t be by the way – you should have non-scale goals, too.
As far as the Intermittent Fasting (IF), I did go most days without eating past 2 p.m. but this was a crazy week with end of the school year parties and Teachers’ Appreciation Week, so I had to eat dinner a couple nights. I still ate healthily.
I’m VERY happy to announce that I had NO Diet Coke this week. Not one sip. Last week I had a few sips here and there – nothing close to a whole can. Now I can say I went the whole week. I’m so proud of myself. I’ve been drinking Diet Coke for almost 20 years (yes, I’m old) and for the past 10 years my doctor has been begging me to stop*. He will give me a gold star for sure. Right after he jams my B12 shot into my arm.
Speaking being B12 deficient, my depression has been better since I started fasting and losing weight. I don’t know if it’s my diet or the ketamine infusions I’ve been getting – I received one three weeks ago and one last week. Even though sometimes anxiety and depression start biting at my ankles it’s not enough to bring me down. This allows me to keep eating healthy, drink water, make healthy decisions for myself and not sabotage my progress. My depression would not allow any of this to happen.
Getting back to the subject, I know I can’t lose 6lbs every week, like the first week – it’s unrealistic – so I know I need to exercise to speed up my weight loss. (As I’m writing this, I’m saying to myself 2lbs is good and I need to chill.) But exercise is good anyway. I’m still too nervous to go to the gym, I don’t know why, so I’m going to try my husband’s stationary bike. I hope after a few days I’ll get bored enough to go back to the gym to my favorite treadmill and eventually lift weights again. Maybe I’ll just woman up and go to the gym, lol.
This week I will be positive and continue doing IF as best I can. What healthy decisions are you making this week, friends?
*Diet soda has links to weight gain and metabolic syndrome, which can make diabetes worse or increase the risk of it developing. Some sweeteners in diet soda even cause insulin spikes in the blood which worsens insulin sensitivity over time and can eventually raise blood sugar levels, according to MedicalNewsToday.com
I don’t talk about this much because I don’t want to come across as a bad mom but parenting with depression is hard. It can be real hard. Depression depletes your energy, at least it does mine, and what little I have left goes to the kids, I know – you can’t pour with an empty cup and all that. But what little energy I have, I have to spend it on feeding, bathing, dressing, and reading to the kids. And of course, getting them to school and back.
Luckily for me, the kids go to preschool for most of the day and I can go to therapy, take time for myself or take a nap before they come home. When they do get home, I get anxious what do with them and just want to lie down. YouTube is watched a lot around here when I’m going through a really bad depressive episode. That’s not something I’m proud of. My mother-in-law helps A LOT, which makes me feel guilty, and I feel like I rely on her too much. And I’m just talking about the depression, I haven’t even touched on my migraines and their frequency.
Because the kids take up so much energy, my showers get missed, I don’t cook dinner for my husband and me, and my house is a disaster. It’s so overwhelming and I feel like a failure on both the mom and the wife front. Then comes more guilt, followed by more anxiety.
Have you ever seen Bad Moms? I can related to one of the characters – Kristen Bell’s character. She happily describes a scene where she’s in the car alone and she gets hit by a car or a truck and has to go to the hospital a long time and basically everyone has to wait on her. Now, I’m not wishing to die here, people. But that scene is funny because a lot of moms can relate to that, whether they admit to it.
Parenting is so hard and it’s even harder with depression. I guess that’s why I love going to my mom’s house because she helps me with the kids and sometimes I don’t have to lift a finger. She cooks all the meals, helps with bath time or even just does it herself. As a grandma, she likes it. I hope.
I know intellectually I’m a good mom. I’m the first person they see in the morning and I’m the last person they see at night. I make them breakfast, pack their lunches and sort of put dinner together. I read to both every night. And I tell them I love them every single day. They are loved and they are taken care of. I know they can see I love them through my actions.
It sounds like I’m trying to convince you but I guess it’s me I’m trying to convince. There will always be this feeling that I’m not enough.
But depression is a liar.
Anxiety is a liar.
My brain just has to come to terms with that.
Well, I did it – I made it through Week 1 of Intermittent Fasting (IF) and I survived. Not only did I survive but I lost 6 pounds. And to be honest, I didn’t even fast the last couple of days of the week.
Six pounds sounds like a lot but I completely changed the way I ate. I was literally eating McDonalds for breakfast, Whataburger for lunch and ordering out for dinner every day before this. It was probably a real shock to my system when I started fasting. Plus, I stopped drinking Diet Coke (this article tells you why it’s bad). I had a few sips here and there but I regretted it at once – it didn’t taste good at all. I switched to water and tea. I drink a ton of water, I’m not bloated and I feel better. My depression is also a little better but it’s still hard to do some things and I’m still fatigued.
However, I still feel really uncomfortable in my body. My back is still hurting – I’m guessing from the extra weight I put on and I don’t feel like I look any different. I am glad that I lost so much in one week, it is encouraging but still.
Again, let me go over what exactly I’m doing. I’m doing 16:8, which means I fast for 16 hours out of the day and eat for 8 hours. My plan suggests I start eating between 6 – 8 a.m. I usually eat breakfast at 7:30 and I have to get two more meals in before 2 p.m. That’s my cutoff window. I drink water or tea for the rest of the day. If I’m too hungry, I can have a low-carb snack before bed.
Now, I followed this for several days, then began to eat dinner (plus my other three meals during the day) sometimes when I wasn’t even hungry. Mental block. But this week I plan on following the plan exactly as written.
I think my biggest challenges coming up are going to the movies with my friends – it’s the Alamo Drafthouse where they serve food and I always order a pizza. Also, after school lets out, we’re visiting my parents at their lake house in Mabank and it’s really going to be hard cutting my meals off at 2, because my dad cooks delicious dinners. I have heard of people switching their meal windows from noon to 8 p.m. but I’m kinda scared to do that. Anyone ever do that and lost weight?
Anyway, here’s my picture from last week on the left and this week on the right for comparison. I don’t know if you can see changes but wanted to post. Note: I am wearing a different bra, so that doesn’t count.
I’ll update you again next week. Thanks for the support.
You know when you wake up and you’re in a good mood? You don’t even have to think about it, you just have a good day…
I don’t.
If I wake up in a good mood, which is rare, I have to constantly monitor my emotions to keep myself in a good mood. My therapist pointed out to me that (most) other people just have emotions but I have to manage mine. And it’s exhausting. I think that’s why I have to compulsively eat, compulsively shop or take something, like an anxiety pill, just to feel ok. Anything throughout my day could set me off or unnerve me and I’m always on alert. It leaves me feeling so depleted all the time, and along with my depression, I’m just so worn out.
I’ll tell you a story that isn’t the best example but it’s the only thing I can think of right now. My husband told my daughter that she could get a new kitten. I wasn’t on board at first, as we have three older cats now. I finally got on board and I went to look at some kittens alone last week. I was excited. I was having a great day and almost felt manic, which when I look back, I probably just felt like a “normal person.” Even my husband commented on what a good mood I was in. Back to the kittens. I found one that I liked and called my husband. I thought we could bring the kitten home and surprise the kids. I thought wrong. My husband said no – that we would have to wait until we got back from out of town. We’re leaving for a week after the kids get out of school.
I was crushed. I immediately felt depressed. All the happiness that was running through my veins turned cold and I couldn’t stop crying. I knew this wasn’t over the kitten, I didn’t even like it that much. It took me a few hours to realize that I was scared and disappointed because the feeling of happiness could be gone just like that. That I’m so fragile. I had stopped managing my emotions.
Again, that was last week and I haven’t felt that great since. It’ll come back, I’m sure. I hope. And if it does, I can’t let my guard down for a second.
I’m tired just thinking about it.
Stay in the light, my friends.
Update: I’m doing very well with my intermittent fasting but wanted to talk about emotional eating and what drives it.
Somewhere inside me, there’s a void. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know where it is – I just know that when I want or need to fill it I do two things: eat or shop. I’m always doing one or the other (or both) – a compulsion is always present. Mainly, emotional eating. As I mentioned in my Weight Gain blog, it’s the only part of my day that I feel happy, but that’s just it – it’s not real happiness and it brings on more guilt than anything.
I talked to my therapist about this today. I have a great life. I have everything I need and want: a great family, nice house, awesome kids and a wonderful husband. Where is this void coming from?
I honestly don’t know.
I’ll tell you what I do know. When I binge or compulsive eat, the food will be bad for me and obviously I will eat too much of it. Sometimes, I’ll do it in private when the kids are at school or when David is asleep. I’ll even eat in my car if I think my housekeeper is at the house. I guess I don’t want them to judge me. I don’t want them to know I’m going to eat half or an entire pizza to feel good for maybe 15 minutes, if that, feel guilty but then do it all over again the next day.
This isn’t just eating unhealthy occasionally and gaining a few pounds. As I mentioned in my other blog, this is gaining 20lbs in two months. This is eating until I feel sick and uncomfortable. This is terrible.
And it’s usually comfort I seek when I’m eating. I make excuses like “oh, I had a long day” or “the kids were driving me nuts today.” I’ve got to realize that’s going to happen all the time. That’s life. I have to deal without food making it “better.”
But it’s not really the kids misbehaving or having long days that drives me to emotionally eat – it’s that emptiness inside. Where is it coming from? I just can’t figure it out.
I don’t hate myself. I don’t want to sabotage myself. I don’t lack self-awareness. But I don’t have the answers either.
I’m not asking for a psychoanalysis either, folks. Just getting it out there, because if your keep it inside it stays a secret and bounds you.
So, a lot of you responded to my weight gain blog. Tons of you reached out and said you were in the same boat, which is nice to hear that I’m not alone but it also means maybe I should share some of my weight loss journey, which shouldn’t be too depressing. One would hope.
Yesterday, I started a intermittent fasting plan. Basically I eat three meals a day but only between certain hours. I can eat between 6 a.m. and 2 p.m. and that’s it. I can have water and tea anytime, but mainly tons of water Now, I want to be clear that I don’t consider this a diet but making healthy life changes. I do not think fasting is sustainable for the rest of my life but I do hope it will encourage me to make healthier choices and help me gain momentum to start losing weight. Also, I’m not advocating fasting. Check with your doctor before your start any diet changes or exercise plan. You’ve been put on notice.
Anywho, I made it through the day better than I thought. I accidentally skipped my third meal because I read the plan wrong but I wasn’t that hungry during dinner time and David graciously didn’t eat in front of me, so there’s that. I also didn’t have any Diet Coke SO THERE’S THAT, TOO. I’m been trying to quit for years and even though it’s been one day it feels like years.
I want to document this journey with pics, so below you’ll find pictures of what I started at and I’ll post updates throughout this process. I also won’t be a liar and tell you I’m perfect. If I make mistakes while trying to make these life changes, I’ll ‘fess up. There’s no “cheating”, this is all a learning process. I’ll even tell you the numbers on the scale.
Yesterday, it was 187. I’m 5’7”, making my BMI 29.3, which is considered Overweight on the charts.