Tag:

major depressive disorder

Heather Loeb, Creator of Unruly Neurons

ECT and Me

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I’ve talked a lot recently about my six-week stay at the Menninger Clinic but haven’t really discussed why my stay there was so helpful – doing (electroconvulsive therapy) ECT treatments.

Over the years I was told to try ECT because of my treatment-resistant depression, meaning none of the meds I tried (and I tried a lot) worked well. ECT always scared me and I think it scares a lot of people. I imagine a lot of people associate it as being “shock therapy,” a very primitive form of today’s ECT from the 1900s. But I was doing so poorly by the time I got to Menninger, I prayed that I was a candidate and it worked. Turns out I was and it did.

I did my initial (or index) treatments at Menninger. I did treatments about three times a week until I left the hospital. Each treatment began with memory and cognitive testing. After that came the actual treatment. The nurses would place electrodes on my head, which would provide an electric stimulus to my brain, inducing a seizure. It was then my brain’s job to shut off the seizure, and I was told the shorter the seizure the better. I had monitors for my heart function, blood pressure and pulse, as well.

After everything was in place it was time for the anesthesia. They would administer it, insert a bite guard into my mouth and place an oxygen mask over my face and nose. I’d fall asleep, have the seizure and be awake in about 15-20 minutes.

At first I had awful migraines after the treatments and would have to stay in bed, but now I get a minor headache, some neck pain and fatigue. Not so bad, considering.

As I mentioned earlier, I did my initial treatments at the Menninger Clinic but then switched to a facility in San Antonio, Laurel Ridge Treatment Center after I done at Menninger. Unfortunately, there are no doctors who perform ECT in Corpus Christi, where I live. Both facilities are very good but different. Whereas Menninger might see a handful of patients – if that – a day, Laurel Ridge sees much more and they’re very efficient getting people in and out.

Sometimes I panic before a treatment, although I don’t know why. Nothing scary has ever happened to me but I do get very nervous beforehand. The nurses/doctors can’t give me anything to relax because most meds in that category prolong the seizures. Regardless of my panic, I still get treatments when I’m feeling down.

If you are contemplating ECT, feel free to contact me and I’ll answer any questions. I know it can be scary and intimidating but the treatments are very safe. It has been, by far, the most effective treatment for my treatment-resistant Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder. I’m happier and have more energy now.

One thing I will mention is memory loss. This is normal and usually occurs around the time of treatment, so you might not remember getting to the hospital or recent conversations. In my case – and this is just me – I have lost memories from years ago and short-term as well. You can read my memory loss blog here.

Having said that, I would still recommend ECT to anyone who is suffering with depression. It really changed my life at a time I wasn’t sure if I’d make it much longer.

6 comments
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

Disorderly Personality

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

In 2019 I entered an inpatient program at the Menninger Clinic in Houston. I was having some issues to say the least, including suicidal ideation, severe depression and I was mis-using some of my medication. I guess the better word would be abusing.

Going into the program I had already been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). After six weeks of intensive testing, therapy and meetings with doctors, I was able to return home, but I had a new diagnosis to my already growing list – Avoidant Personality Disorder. I had never heard of it and I didn’t know anyone else with a personality disorder so I was feeling like a “legit” crazy person, if there ever was such a thing.

I’d spent years being diagnosed with depression, dysthemia, an anxiety disorder and I was even misdiagnosed as Bipolar II. I knew next to nothing about Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD) but I soon learned. It’s a disorder characterized by social discomfort and avoidance of interpersonal contact. According to the Mayo Clinic, someone who has AVPD avoids intimate and social contact with others.

When I read this, I thought, “Wow, this is me.” I think it’s apparent to those who know me well know I’m no extrovert. And while I do have friends, it is rare for me to be around a lot of people and not at all uncommon for me to cancel plans (usually due to anxiety). But as I continued reading, something struck a nerve. My paperwork stated that people with this condition may be extremely shy, fear ridicule and be overly concerned with looking foolish. That they – I – could have an inferiority complex. Yes, I’m sensitive and don’t respond to rejection well but isn’t that everybody?

Apparently not.

As I continued learning, I read that these folks have low self esteem and here’s the kicker – it’s common for people to avoid work, social and school activities for fear of rejection. I was constantly missing school and later work. And it always caused problems.

According to WebMD, a person with Avoidant Personality Disorder may be afraid to speak up for fear of saying the wrong thing, blushing, stammering or otherwise getting embarrassed. That they may also spend a great deal of time anxiously studying those around for signs of approval or rejection.

I know my diagnosis doesn’t define me, so I try not to get upset when I revisit my paperwork. But sometimes I do get upset and that’s ok. Yes, I have “mental problems” but who doesn’t?

But it is important to me not to be “extremely shy” and so scared of rejection. It’s more important to me because my children are watching me, and I would hate for either of them to be painfully shy, to miss out on things only to create a world of isolation and loneliness.

So, I’m (trying) to step up. Kids’ birthday parties? We’re there. Encouraging my children to say hi to others, even adults? Yes. Teaching them to be confident and strong? We’re working on that, too.

No parent wants their children to repeat their mistakes but I hope both my children pick up on some of my attributes that weren’t in my Menninger paperwork – my empathy, resilience, creativity and generosity (that I already see blossoming in my oldest).

Again, my diagnosis does not define me and how I live my life. If anything, it helps me live life more fully and with having more empathy. And that’s ok with me.

1 comment
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

My Mother

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

My mom is cut from a different cloth. Even from a young age, she has always done what she needed to do. At 19, her father died. She didn’t hesitate to help my Mema with the younger kids. She took a job right after high school so she could help pay bills. My mother had seven siblings but the two older siblings were married and were starting families, so she helped take care of the younger five. Still to this day she helps her siblings, financially or otherwise because that’s who she is – a caretaker.

Skipping years ahead, she got married and helped my dad and his brother open a business. She was the first employee and she excelled at it, even though it probably wasn’t her greatest passion. Still she learned everything about truck accessories for heavy duty trucks and continued to work that job for years. After some personnel issues, my mom and dad decided to open a second store, this one with my older brother at the helm. It too was a success and it still didn’t bother her talking shop about truck bumpers, wheels and other accessories. Like I said, she always did what she needed to do.

I can’t speak for my brother but I’m sure he would agree – she would do anything for us. In middle school when I developed migraines, that at times were uncontrollable and debilitating, she became my advocate. She navigated a new world of medicine and therapies and triggers. Fragrances were a trigger so she stopped wearing perfume and bought special soaps.

Years later I finally told her I had depression – bad depression. This was not her field of expertise and although she was probably really scared, she learned the ropes and how to help me calm down during a depressive episode.

When I had kids my depression worsened. Some days I couldn’t find my way out of the overwhelming sadness. I would often want to harm myself. My mom, who had never experienced mental illness herself, dug deeper and supported me the best way she knew how. It must’ve broken her heart when I became suicidal and needed intensive intervention. I stayed at a psychiatric treatment center for 6 long weeks. But she was there, helping take care of my children, visiting me and encouraging me once again.

As I’ve now stabilized, I think about the calls I made to her crying, suicidal. Her love, strength and endurance has never wavered and she just listened, not knowing how to help her daughter stop being suicidal. I firmly believe she was meant to be my mom, to help someone who struggled daily with invisible demons. Someone who wasn’t cut from that seemingly magical cloth. But I have learned from her, too. My bouts with depression have taught me strength, most importantly, compassion. My mom has been my advocate, leading me to be an advocate for those who suffer from depression and anxiety. Maybe to those who haven’t had support and are afraid of speaking out because of the stigma surrounding mental illness. Maybe I’m more like my mom than I think. At least I’d like to think so.

1 comment
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

Punishment

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

A couple weeks ago I was flying high. I was very productive, making healthy choices and genuinely happy. Today, I am suffering. The weight of my depression is bearing down on me and I want to fight it so much. But I can’t. I can only go into survival mode and hope that I’ll feel differently in a few days.

I could feel this coming and what really sucks is that I don’t see light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I need to be happy in order to make good decisions but I know I need to make good decisions to feel happy. And I’m feeling the pain of not being able to do things I need to do like eat healthier. Today I had a healthy breakfast and lunch but then when I picked up the kids I binged on their fruit snacks because they were fighting and stressing me out. Then I decided to punish myself and eat an unhealthy dinner. I of course overate, which is very painful now since I got the gastric sleeve surgery in November.

I’ll try again tomorrow. And the next day and the one after that. Maybe I’ll get it right someday. Maybe I won’t have to have a “survival mode.” Here’s hoping.

Stay in the light, my friends. At least one of us should.

0 comment
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

Out of the ashes, baby

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I’ve had depression since I was young; I can remember feeling anxiety in middle school and I definitely had depression in high school, I just didn’t know it then. It wasn’t until college (when my Mema died) that I really had a problem. When she died, I couldn’t handle it. I dropped classes because of the stress and overwhelming sadness I felt. I dropped so many classes that I was only going part-time. I can remember leaving campus to drive to my parents’ house multiple times a week.

I started therapy at my college and after a couple years, I realized I needed medication to help with the depression. I was so embarrassed. I didn’t even tell my parents. Now, my parents have always supported me and never really talked about depression with me but I had it in my head that this was a major flaw – my family seemed stronger somehow, that I should just pull myself up from my bootstraps and get a grip. But I couldn’t.

After I graduated college and started my first job hundreds of miles away from my family and friends, my depression got worse. It made me miss work….a lot of it. My other coworkers were resentful and I felt like my bosses hated me. I didn’t fare well in Corpus Christi and after a bad breakup I moved back home. I felt unsuccessful and like a loser. My depression got even worse.

Fast forward to me going back to Corpus Christi: I got married, bought a house and got pregnant. After my first pregnancy I felt ok but after having my second child I was not ok. Postpartum depression reared it’s ugly head. I had to stop breastfeeding at 4 months so I could get back on my antidepressants but even the meds couldn’t save me from being suicidal. It was awful. I spent my energy on making sure my kids were ok and I simply didn’t have enough strength to fight the ugliness that had infiltrated my body. One day I had to go to the ER for suicidal thoughts. Luckily my parents were with my kids. I was sent to an acute behavioral center and saw an awful doctor who wouldn’t listen to anything I was saying. I was released after a couple days and I found a new psychiatrist who started me on different meds. I’d like to say that fixed me but it didn’t. I was diagnosed as having treatment resistant depression, meaning my meds were not effective in fighting the depression off.

Things were pretty bleak and my depression was not controlled at all. The only thing keeping me going were my kids – they of course had constant needs that I had to focus on. It was when they were sleeping that my anxiety increased. I couldn’t control ugly thoughts like I was a bad mom, a bad wife and a total loser.

I was running on empty with no hope in sight. After talking with my therapist and husband, we decided that I would go to a psychiatric facility for help. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make. It would mean at least 6 weeks away from my babies and husband and I felt incredibly guilty. But I had to go.

At the Menninger Clinic I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety and avoidant personality disorder. I started electroconvulsant therapy (ECT) and different meds. I was able to come home after 6 weeks but I have to do ECT treatments every now and then.

I still get depressed. I’m actually in a little funk right now but I know I’ll get through it. I will always rise. I used to think that people with depression were weak but now I know that’s nothing but bullshit. We are strong. We fight to live every day. It’s hard and some of us don’t make it because they don’t have the means or a support system. They suffer in silence and that’s why I cannot. Please do your part in eliminating the stigma around depression and help normalize it. Check on your loved ones, let them know you care and shine a little light in their darkness.

1 comment
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

When the Going Gets Tough…

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

…the tough get going right? Ha, not exactly. My “tough” is getting the kids to school and maybe, and I really do want to emphasize maybe, take a shower that day. To the outside depression really seems to weaken a person but it takes a super strong person to trudge through the day (days and days and days), taking care of other people while breathing for yourself can be a job.

My point? When depression or anxiety starts to pull you down, I’ve noticed that a few things can help me crawl back up. With the help of my Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, which I mention in this blog, I’ve come up with both a relaxation and distraction plan to cut off the darkness when it comes. It doesn’t always help but may help you.

Distraction Plan:

  • Text a friend. This is a duh for me. Texting my besties always makes me feel better
  • Call my mom. My mom and I are very close and it always feels better to hear her voice
  • Get a massage. This always makes me feel good although my schedule is not flexible enough to just drop anything and go, so sometimes stretching and lying on a foam roller feels just as good.
  • Read a book. Enough said.
  • Eat chocolate. Again enough said.
  • Get under a weighted blanket and take a nap

I also like to say little prayers or sayings that give me peace. For example, “May God heal you, body and soul. May your pain cease. May your strength increase. May your fears be released. May love and joy surround you.”

Relaxation Plan:

  • Take a bubble bath
  • Turn on the TV and just listen
  • Take a nap.
  • Put on your most comfortable clothes, even if it’s sweats.
  • Get a massage.
  • Listen to soothing music.
  • Enjoy your favorite meal.
  • Burn some scented candles. I have to be careful of this because if I burn the wrong one, hello migraine.

If you noticed I didn’t write anything about going outdoors, not my thing. But taking a walk or soaking up some sun can do wonders, too.

I hope these lists help and hey, if they don’t, make your own damn list.

Thanks for reading. Stay in the light.

0 comment
0 FacebookPinterestEmail
Ketamine/Spravato

A Horse of a Different Color

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

The other day my doctor suggested a couple of Ketamine infusions to do until I can do ECT. I didn’t think much of this because I’ve done several ketamine infusions in the past and they didn’t do much for me, but I learned the clinic that I was going to in Corpus was doing the infusions wrong, or perhaps not in the ideal way. Let’s put it that way.

At the old clinic they were adding benzos (Ativan, Valium) to the ketamine, which actually lowers the efficacy of the ketamine. I didn’t know that until I got to Menninger. Also, the other clinic’s protocol was to give everyone 100mg/hour no matter what. Here, they go by weight. I was skeptical of that at first but now I see why.

When you do 100 mg per hour, rather when I do 100 mg per hour, I feel like I’m in a black hole. There’s a lot of dissociation and I just feel drugged up and then I’m tired for the rest of the day. When I tried ketamine at the clinic, it was almost a religious experience. It was the most calming, most relaxing, therapeutic experience I’ve EVER had. I felt happy – and I haven’t felt happy in a loooong time.

It was amazing. Now, this infusion lasted just 40 minutes but I’ve already noticed a shift in my behavior. I made some jokes with some of the patients and staff here. I cleaned up my room and generally my mood is a bit better. I still have depression, of course, but it did provide a respite from the constant pain I’m in.

This makes me hopeful. I’m scheduled to have another ketamine treatment Monday and then later in the week, I’m due to start ECT. I’m not expecting my life to change but I’ll take any improvement from my current state. Some days it’s just so hard to breathe and it’s so exhausting to be a wife, mother, daughter, friend, etc. It’s just painful. Everything is painful, so relief is all I want. I want to be there for everyone. I want to smile and laugh – just live in something other than this awful darkness. I know I have to work on my therapy, too, and believe me I am. Everyday here is emotionally draining and I don’t think I’ve gone a day without crying, but that’s okay. I’m just trying to get to the other side.

I hope I see ya’ll there soon.

0 comment
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

A Quick Hello from the Inside

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Look who has internet access! There’s so much to talk about, I don’t know where to start.

So, it’s been a week since I’ve been at the Menninger Clinic – it’s a psychiatric hospital in Houston. They’ve done a lot of psychological and cognitive testing and it turns out I’m severely depressed and I have anxiety. Duh.

Testing has also shown that I have a horrible memory, I have a hard time dealing with my emotions, I have no coping skills and my quality of life is at 25 percent. I knew the other things but when you see the results of a psychological test tell you that your quality of life sucks, and sucks bad, it makes you even more depressed. If that’s possible. And I’m here to tell you that it is.

I have a “team” that guides me through my journey here that includes a psychiatrist, psychologist, nurse, therapist and social worker. We all agreed that ECT was the way to go but what I didn’t expect was that I would have to be weaned off all of my meds. ALL OF THEM.

That’s:

Lamical
Topamax
Wellbutrin
Zoloft
Rexulti
Trentellix
Vyvanse
Klonopin
Ambien

That’s a lot. I’m surprised I haven’t exploded yet. Or maybe I should’ve exploded when I was put on all that crap. I’ve had little withdrawal except for the fact that I cry at the drop of a dime. I’m not all too sure that’s not normal at this point.

It’ll probably be two more weeks before I’m off most of the meds, then I can start the ECT, which I’m excited about. Some of the girls here have done it and said they’ve felt some improvement. My doctor said he hopes he can get me back to where I was before I had my little breakdown in 2017. That would be lovely. But I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket. The program I’m in asks me to go to classes, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, self compassion, grief journeys, chemical dependence education and more. They don’t depend on biological therapies only, they make you work. And teaching you how to mentalize and employ solid coping skills is a big part of the program.

My brain is super foggy right now, so I’m going to sign off.

I hope ya’ll are staying well. I’ll try to keep up the my blog as best I can.

2 comments
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

See you later, alligator

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

So, I’m taking off the next 6 to 8 weeks. I talked it over with my therapist and husband and we all decided I needed to be inpatient at a mental health facility this past week and, lucky for me, the clinic had an opening in the program starting this Monday that I wanted to be in and that was the best fit for me. One that focuses on my treatment-resistant Major Depressive Disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety and PMDD, and emotional eating. Even substance abuse, because I’ve abused my anxiety medicine in the past.

The clinic is Menningers in Houston, which is well known in the psychiatric arena. I’ve heard such good things about it and I’m hopeful. I should be – the program cost a damn arm and a leg but now’s the time to get better. Nothing else has worked.

The one thing I’m worried about is ECT is not part of my program and I really want to do it. The program leader said I can meet with the doctor to see if I’m a candidate but I don’t know who else would be a better candidate. I’ve tried multiple medications (Prozac, Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Lamictal, Rexulti, Saphris, Doxepin Lexapro, Cymbalta, Abilify – just to name a few), TMS, ketamine infusions and now Spravato. I’ve been depressed (way) over 5 years, so really how can they turn me down? But they could, so good thoughts please. It’s really my one shot. I wont be able to afford a place like this again and I’m not willing to be away from my children for this long again.

That’s the only thing making me nervous. My babies. I know my husband and mother-in-law (and my mom and dad are helping too) can handle everything, I’ll just miss them so much. I’ll miss my son’s birthday and I’ll miss the first day of school. It’s just hard. But when I come out I’ll hopefully be way better and won’t have to miss anything else, because let’s face it, I’m barely living now.

I won’t have access to internet, other than email., so this is so long for the next 6 to 8 weeks. I will miss blogging but I guess I’ll have some stories when I get back.

Stay well, my friends. See you on the other side.

0 comment
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

STFU, please

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Since I’ve been blogging, I’ve gotten a lot of feedback from friends, family and strangers. Most of it is really positive – some have thanked my for being so blunt and open about mental illness and they don’t feel so alone. I’ve also had others tell me that I’m “not doing it right.” I’m not praying hard enough, I focus too much on the negative, or this is something I’m doing to myself.

This is part of the stigma I’m trying to fix.

And I don’t have to defend myself. I know I’m one of the hardest working people when it comes to my mental health. Depression is NOT something I do to myself subconsciously. Nobody wants this. Nobody.

Don’t let anybody tell you that you’re not trying hard enough, or you’re doing this to yourself. Don’t think you can just pray this away (prayer does help but you know what I mean). Don’t let anyone think you are a lesser person because you have this disease. Those people obviously haven’t struggled the way we have, and good for them – they are very fortunate.

But you can try every treatment, pill, therapy, alternative medicine, meditation, etc., and you will still have this disease. Do you know why? Because your brain is not the same as everyone else’s. You have unruly neurons. It’s just chemical and it’s not your fault. Especially if you are treatment resistant, it’s not fair.

It’s still not your fault.

So the next time someone says pull yourself up by the bootstraps or think positively (I know you are), just remember that you are working hard. And forgot those other people who obviously are ignorance to the intricacies of depression and anxiety and how it affects you.

Just keep swimming, friends.

0 comment
0 FacebookPinterestEmail
Newer Posts
Older Posts