I’ve Gained 26 Pounds

Last Friday I had an ECT treatment. I hadn’t been there in four weeks, so they asked to weight me (to calculate how much anesthesia I get). Usually, I avoid the scale. The number shouldn’t matter to me, but it does. Big time. I looked down after I stepped on the scale, and I was shocked. I’ve gained 26 pounds since the pandemic — 26 POUNDS! I’m almost 200 pounds, which I swore to myself I’d never be again. I mean, who has weight loss surgery and doesn’t lose the weight? Me, apparently.

I have all the reasons in the world to lose weight and be healthy, mainly my kids. I want them to see me be healthy so that they can be healthy. I want to lose the weight because I want to live a long time. It would benefit my mental health greatly if I maintained a healthy lifestyle. But I don’t.

Even after my ECT, while feeling happy and more stable, I had the intense urge to overeat and binge. And I did. The ECT is supposed to reset my brain. Last week, I was so depressed and even had suicidal ideation, so I needed the ECT. But the ECT can only take me so far. I’m responsible for making health decisions for myself. And I need to hold myself accountable. At some point, I have to make the effort to be healthy without expecting something or someone else to help me.

I don’t know what drives me to overeat or binge. It sort of makes sense when there’s conflict in my life, and I feel the need to be comforted by food. But right now, there’s no conflict in my life. There’s no logical reason for me to shove food in my face. It bothers me so much that I don’t know why I binge, and I’m not sure it would even help if I did know. It’s just frustrating. And I know it’s a hard time because of the pandemic, but we’re not getting back to any kind of “normal” I know any time soon. So, it has to be now. I have to make changes now. But honestly, I don’t know if I will. I don’t know what it will take.

I bought a treadmill that will be delivered this week. I bought a food journal to help me track my water and meals. I have a brand new pair of running shoes to use for exercise. Conditions are favorable for change. My brain, my stubborn brain, is the only thing holding me back. Even now, as I’m typing this, I want to eat, to be comforted. To lose myself in the taste and texture of something delicious. I fear my urge to escape the real world will be permanent, as it manifests in other ways, too like abusing my anxiety meds. And again, I don’t know why or what I’m trying to escape. I have a great life — better than most — and I’m so grateful for everyone in my life and everything I have. So, I really can’t tell you why I want to escape.

At one time, I thought it was emotional pain that was holding back — trauma from my past. But I feel like I’ve dealt with that. I’ve talked to my therapist about it extensively. I wrote a blog about it that I will never share. I got if off my chest, but still the pain resides. At least, I think so. Why else would I be trying to fill this unrelenting void?

I so want to be able to wake up in the morning and not immediately think about what I’m going to eat. To plan my next meal, as I’m licking off my current meal’s crumbs from my lips. I live meal to meal, snack to snack, and I hate it.

I hope this week I can make changes to my daily life and incorporate healthy habits. I pray for strength and guidance. I pray for what feels like a miracle.

Next week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. It may not seem like a big deal, but there are 30 million Americans who suffer with an eating disorder. There are so many people suffering right now, who are suffering more because of the pandemic. Only 1/3 of people receive help for their eating disorder. Eating disorders have the second highest mortality rate of any mental illness, with nearly one person dying every hour as a direct result of their eating disorder.

If you are struggling with an eating disorder, please know that you are not alone. It’s a challenging time for us, but it’ll be OK.

We will be OK.

So Much Weight

We all know that depression is a huge weight to carry but do you know what else is heavy? Actual body fat and I’ve got a surplus right now. I mean it. I’ve gained 20lbs in the past two months and it ain’t pretty.

At first, the weight started to just creep up, then I ignored the scale, ate Whataburger everyday and threw caution to the wind (and chocolate in my mouth).

I am so uncomfortable. My back is hurting again – it hasn’t hurt since my breast reduction last year. None of my clothes fit me right and I’m just disappointed with myself. I feel embarrassed and judged by strangers and those I love. I don’t know why.

There’s nothing like getting depressed about your weight while you’re actually depressed. I know some depressed folk who won’t take medication, effective medication, because one of the side effects is weight gain. The struggle is real. And for me, compulsive eating is a coping mechanism so this happens quite often. I eat my feelings and as it turns out I have a lot of feelings. Sometimes eating is the only joy I have in my joy as sad as that sounds. Also, if eating a certain meal felt good one time, I often go back to the meal to recreate feeling good. Even if it doesn’t work the second time, I still go back for more. I’m not a fast learner.

I know what I need to do to be healthy; it’s just hard when I can barely take a shower. But if I can drive my ass to Whataburger, I can drive to the gym, right? We’ll see.

There’s a 5K coming up in November I want to do, so I want to start running again. Along with eating healthier, I’ll make that my goal and maybe I can get these awful extra pounds off.

See below when I felt sexy and hot and a picture I took Saturday and felt blah.

 

 

I know I’m still beautiful and all that, blah blah, but I’m just so uncomfortable – did I mention that? In the picture on the left, I felt so sexy and wore cute clothes all the time. On the right, I feel like a hot mess – like fat girl in a little coat. I hope y’all are old enough to get that reference.

I’m going to shut up about it now.

So here I am going up a hill, depression/anxiety riding my back with the added bonus of 20 extra pounds.

I’m already sweating.