Last Friday, I had an ECT, so I was a little, rather a lot, out of it Friday and Saturday morning. I did something I havenâ€™t done in well over a year — forgot to take my meds. I got out of routine and just plum forgot. ECT can do that to you.
Yesterday morning, as I struggled to get up and get going, I noticed my mistake and took my pills as I should, but a cloud of guilt and uncertainty followed me.
I noticed a change in my demeanor almost immediately. I started my period (I missed my birth control as well as my psych meds). I felt exhausted, scared and sad. I couldnâ€™t believe a simple mistake could shake me this hard. I wanted to crawl in a hole and avoid my responsibilities and not think that this past ECT was a waste of time and energy.
It hurts to admit this but my mental health is so fragile — not weak — but fragile like a bomb. Iâ€™ll do whatever it takes not to explode. Nobody wants a repeat of 2019, least not me.
Itâ€™s just so frustrating that I do everything I can to maintain my mental health and just three days of missed meds can sink me down so low. Itâ€™s baffling to me. And it was an ECT that made me forget!! Thatâ€™s what drives me crazy. I was doing shock therapy so that Iâ€™m the best version of myself, yet it made me forget my meds. For those of you who donâ€™t know, retrograde amnesia is common after a treatment as well as confusion and disorientation.
In therapy this morning I told my therapist what had happened and that I felt overwhelmed because I’ve been trying so hard, but it feels like it doesn’t matter. She said something that struck a chord — that I can’t stand to feel uncomfortable. Not for one minute. And that I always tend to look at the bad in the situation while forgetting the good.
She’s right. Whenever I do feel uncomfortable, I try to stave that feeling off by letting my compulsions take over — overeating, shopping and other self destructive behavior. And I do it all just so I can feel good. But why do I feel the need to feel good and happy all the time? Nobody feels that way all the time, even someone with a “normal” brain.
She also said I needed to delay my gratification, that I’m all about a quick, easy fix, “instant gratification,” but that’s how a child thinks. She’s right about that, too.
Yes, I forgot my meds on accident. Yes, I feel uncomfortable and uncertain, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing. I should continue to take my meds and take care of myself in other ways because taking care of myself only benefits me and my family/friends. The end result will be worth it. Logically, I know it will.
I don’t know if this blog makes any sense or if it has a point, but that’s OK for me today. I’m blogging and reflecting on/dealing with my experiences and feelings in a healthy way.
There is a lot of maintenance and self care I have to keep up with because of my brain’s stupid and ineffective wiring, but instead of getting overwhelmed with it all I have to appreciate everything good in my life and just take everything in baby steps. Maybe that’s what everyone does? I don’t know.
My therapist did say it was important for me to go back next week, lol. So, maybe I’ll learn more then.
Thanks for reading. Stay in the light, my friends.