It seemed like it happened so fast, but looking back I see the signs that a depressive episode was coming — the irritability, naps during the day and more sleep on the weekend, I would snap at the kids more and I craved more alone time (isolating). And then the fatigue set in, and I felt the depression crushing me. I couldn’t take showers as much. I had to rely more on David to help me with my normal chores, which I hate doing.
I happened to have an appointment with my psychiatrist when this was all going on, so I enumerated all these problems, but at that time, I didn’t feel like I was in trouble. But a couple of days later, I became frantic and texted her that I needed help right away. We talked that day about different medications that could help, picking one that is used off label for depression and is less likely to give me tardive dyskinesia. It’s actually a medication used for Parkinson’s and restless leg syndrome but my doc has seen success with it in patients who have treatment resistant depression — that’s me, of course.
So because of this depressive episode, I have had to cancel work presentations and meetings and then social outings of my own. I’ve always had social anxiety, so those have always been a challenge, but you add depression and anxiety on top, and it’s near impossible. I actually had to take a couple weeks of from NAMI GCC, even though I LOVE LOVE LOVE what I do. I just have to focus on me right now.
The person who had taken this very personally is my daughter. One morning, after no sleep, I told her I couldn’t bring her lunch to her on the special day it was allowed. I had brought it to her the previous week, though. She got pissed and said I was “using my depression as an excuse for everything.” That really pissed me off. Then she got mad when I didn’t have the energy to volunteer at a Girl Scouts’ meeting. I get that it’s disappointing, I really do. But I had an in-depth conversation with her about what depression is, how it makes me feel, what I can and can’t do, etc. Still she’s only 10 and can’t understand completely. It still hurts my feelings so much. I can do 1,000 things right, but she’ll find the 1 or 2 things I do wrong and harp on them for days, even weeks. It certainly doesn’t help my mood. But again, I know she can’t fully comprehend what I’m going through — not just that, but she’s also dealing with the fact I told her I have depression. That’s hard to take in. She’s realizing I’m different than other moms (even though nothing has changed in me since I told her). Still, her mother just dropped a bomb on her.
It feels like someone dropped one on me, too. I have to tell you that I was not prepared for this at all. There were no triggers or changes in my life that spurred this episode. That’s the scariest part — that there was no real warning. I was doing just fine, being my happy self, living my normal life, which I love, when lightning struck out of nowhere. And with such intensity. I know what to do when this happens — I have a wellness plan, I’ve been to support groups where we’ve discussed what to do in crisis, I’ve memorized things to do. But, when it came time, I thought about the first steps in my head and thought, “that’s impossible,” and I continued to lie down. I isolated. I either didn’t eat at all or I ate too much junk. I tried to nap all day until I had to pick the kids up. I stopped showering. I didn’t put on “real clothes,” just sweats and workout garb. Emails were ignored. I canceled all my appointments because I didn’t want to leave the house or because my hair was dirty from now showering.
Again, what’s scary is that it did not take long for me to get to this place.
Finally I started telling my family and friends what was going on. I was honest; I told them the truth instead of blaming migraines or whatever illness I used to blame it on. I admitted it to the Girl Scouts leaders and moms because I needed someone to fill in for me as a volunteer. It was so freeing. I wasn’t doing it for sympathy; I just needed to tell them hey this is what’s going on. Sometimes severe depression can do this. I’m not afraid of asking for help because of my depression. And hopefully me normalizing it will help others do the same.
I do really appreciate others reaching out to me and supporting me. I made a post on Facebook, and the support I got there was amazing. Everyone had something inspiring and comforting to say. Someone mentioned that my village was with me, and that meant so much to me. It brought tears to my eyes, and reminded me that yes, I can do this. I’m starting my medication today, that’s one day closer to a happier me.
Thank you, everybody. We got this.
