I had a follow-up with my psych this morning so she could see how I was doing on that new depression med. We decided to go forward with a bigger dose, and my doc wants me to try ketamine now, too, because it doesn’t sound like I’m improving as fast as she’d like. As I’d like. That’s fine by me, I’ve had ketamine before, and it has helped. I think the new pill is working, too. It just takes a while. It always does, but I have time, too.
After we hung up I decided to write down a gratitude list, and oh man, there are so many things I’m grateful for. My life is amazing, and I have far more to be happy about than sad. I know that’s not how depression works, but it’s nice remembering all the good in my life. And for once, instead of expecting more depression and crummy days, I started to think about my comeback. It’s there. I can feel it. It may not be anytime soon, but it’s there.
And I’m reminded why I got my huge Phoenix bird tatted on my back.
“Some nights the wolf inside me shrinks to nothing, she bares her teeth and runs away. The dragon in my chest rejects me, she’s so tired of being slain. There are nights when the lioness cowers, says she can’t fight it another day…”
“What about the phoenix?”
“She sits with me in the darkness. She whispers ‘we’ll rise. Just you wait.’”
I will rise. I’ve done it before, and my life was more amazing than I ever thought it could be.
I feel like I have something to learn this time that I didn’t or couldn’t learn last time, but I’ll get there.
I hear the phoenix whisper, “just you wait.”
So I will.
