I have been very busy lately — going to pop-up markets for Birdy Girl Art, painting, writing my columns, and of course, working at NAMI GCC. I run into a lot of people when I’m out and about, and this past week at a market, I ran into one woman who I don’t know that well, but we’re Facebook friends and have a lot of mutual friends.
She commented that she’s seen me all over Facebook and that I’ve been busy. I nodded and before I could say anything, she said, “Oh, good! Your depression’s gone, huh?”
I blinked at her. I wanted to be like what the hell are you talking about??? But I didn’t want to be rude. I told her that no, my depression isn’t gone, but it has lifted some, and that I’m lucky I’m as high functioning as I am. Luckily, someone had come up to my table so the woman walked off.
My depression has lifted. I’ve worked with my psychiatrist to try different medications and with my therapist. I try to walk the line and lead a healthy-ish lifestyle so I can keep my mental health conditions under control. But I am still struggling. I have only managed to take a shower once a week in the past couple months, and I’m having trouble brushing my teeth. I haven’t slept well in a couple months, and my spending has been out of control. My binge eating has returned. I’m juggling a lot right now, and the ball gets dropped a lot.
But on the other hand, I am highly functional, and at times, it’s awesome. Much better than sleeping all day and not being able to get out of bed and crying for no reason. It’s like a little gift from the depression gods, and I’m taking it! I’m hitting my steps every day, I’m painting a lot (which helps my anxiety and sometimes my wallet), I’m able to attend all my meetings and appointments, I’m getting work done, and for the most part of the day…I feel happy, content and grateful.
I’m just going to type that again. For the most part of the day, I feel happy, content and grateful.
And it feels so good. Most of the time.
I have my moments, too. My depression moments. I’m not trying to rain on my little parade here, but I think it’s important to know that someone who’s mentally ill can appear happy and productive yet still be plagued by those moments. A lot of mentally ill people, and I would say most mentally ill people, fake being happy because it’s just easier to pretend than explain all that their feeling. Because so many “normal” people don’t understand. And unfortunately, some people fake it all the way to the grave.
Try not to be that woman that assumed my depression was gone just because she saw Facebook pictures of me smiling and at different events. Reminder: Only one shower a week. My teeth are yellow. I’m definitely not proud of that, but depression does weird things to you. I can go to three market events in one week, but I can barely take care of myself in other ways.
Never believe the smiles on social media. I know it’s easier to, and some people prefer to believe what they see on Facebook because it makes them feel like their world is safe and not marred by things like mental illness, but that’s how people like me end up taking their life. Sorry, not sorry, to take it there.
People don’t fake depression. They fake being happy.
Always look past social media. Don’t ever assume someone’s mental health condition has gone away.
You could start with, “How are you doing?”
Or with me, maybe just check how much dry shampoo is in my hair.
