Author

Heather Loeb

For decades I've struggled with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, avoidant personality disorder, dysthymia and an eating disorder. I pen my misadventures here, but you can also find my column in the Corpus Christi Caller-Times (caller.com). Thanks for reading and for your support.

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Mental Health After Pregnancy Loss

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

TW: stillbirth and miscarriage, depression

Edit: After this blog was published, it was confirmed that Chrissy suffered a miscarriage, not a stillbirth. Just wanted to clarify.

Last week, Chrissy Teigan and John Legend announced the heartbreaking news that they’d suffered pregnancy loss with their third baby who they named Jack. Just devastating.

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Chrissy has shared before that the couple has had fertility issues as well as miscarriages, and unfortunately, this loss came after she was hospitalized for bleeding. She was around 20 weeks along.

I’m not going to pretend to know what it’s like to lose a baby, especially after all the loss they’ve already endured. But I imagine it’s unbelievable pain to say the very least.

Chrissy isn’t alone in experiencing pregnancy loss. The CDC reports that about 1 pregnancy in 100 at 20 weeks of pregnancy and later is affected by stillbirth, and each year about 24,000 babies are still born in the U.S. I’m not sure exactly how far along Chrissy was, but it sounds like baby Jack was considered stillborn. Anything before 20 weeks is a miscarriage.

The March of Dimes report that about 10 to 15 in 100 pregnancies (10 to 15 percent) end in miscarriage

My worry for moms like Chrissy is the increased risk of depression following the loss (women who have miscarriages also face a risk for depression). According to the MGH Center for Women’s Mental Health, depression is more common in women who have a stillbirth (14.8 percent) compared to women who delivered a healthy baby (8.3 percent). Women with an established diagnosis of depression don’t see a major increase.

It seems cruel that women have to deal with such an awful disease following such tragedy. It’s even more cruel when women have to deal with the stigma associated with pregnancy loss. Often, women are encouraged not to share their story and loss, which can lead to isolation and intensity in depression symptoms. It’s especially harmful if the stigma is being perpetuating by their family and friends — then there’s just no outlet for their grief.

That’s why I’m glad Chrissy and John are speaking out about their experience. There’s no logical reason to keep quiet about something so life-changing — something that happens to A LOT of people. I praise them in what they’re doing to help normalize pregnancy loss and miscarriage. Maybe it will encourage others to share their own grief.

I hope and pray for Chrissy and John’s entire family. I pray for everyone who has had to go through this gut-wrenching tragedy.

If you have experienced a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, please visit the Share website, a site dedicated to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support.

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please contact your doctor or call the 24-hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Here are depression symptoms to look for following a miscarriage or stillbirth:

  • feeling sad, empty, or hopeless
  • being irritable or frustrated
  • losing interest or enjoyment in most or all regular activities
  • feeling unusually tired and having a lack of energy
  • sleeping too little or too much
  • eating too little or too much
  • feeling anxious, restless, or distressed
  • feeling worthless or guilty
  • having difficulty focusing, remembering things, and making decisions
  • thoughts of death or suicide
  • making suicide attempts
  • having random aches and pains that don’t go away, even after treatment

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Suicide

Teen Suicide On The Rise

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

To say that everyone in the U.S. — around the world, too — has struggled mentally since the pandemic begin is an understatement. The only thing “normal” happening now is that people are feeling anxiety and stress during all the uncertainty in the world.

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What’s not normal is the alarming increase of suicides among teens.

Dealing with everything going on is very difficult for adults, but it’s even harder for teens because they’re a much more vulnerable population. Can you imagine yourself as a teen again, trying to navigate through coronavirus, school, hormonal changes and more?

The CDC reports that suicide rates among 10 to 24 year olds have increased 57.4 percent from 2007 to 2018. That’s insane. Between 2007 to 2009 and 2016 to 2018, suicide rates increased significantly in 42 states. Significant increases ranged from 21.7 percent in Maryland to more than doubling in New Hampshire. In 2016 to 2018, suicide rates for persons aged 10 to 24 were highest in Alaska, while some of the lowest rates in the country were among states in the Northwest. Suicide is now the third-leading cause of death among 15 to 24 year olds.

My best friend, a pharmacist at Cook Children’s Hospital in Fort Worth, sent me data showing that the hospital has seen 192 kids admitted for attempting suicide in 2020. Compare that to the same time period in 2015 when the hospital saw 88 patients — less than half of the current statistics.

These numbers show that suicide among teens is a pandemic on its own.

In an article on the hospital’s newsroom website,  Dr. Kia Carter, the medical director of psychiatry at Cook Children’s Medical Center, the vast majority of patients treated for self harm are girls, between the ages of 13 and 15. She also said she’s seen patients in her unit as young as 4 years talking about wanting to die.

I thought the quote below was especially insightful, in terms of kids thinking about killing themselves.

“We’ve seen a huge increase with younger kids knowing what death is because of video games,” said Dr. Carter. “We have to assess their cognitive level and find out if they know what death means or do they think it’s like the video game where they die, but get a backup player.”

Dr. Carter also acknowledged that social media plays a role in the mental health of children in teens. For example, they can be bullied online, or feel like they’re not good enough when comparing themselves to others on sites, such as Instagram. She said that a lot of kids are getting ideas on how to kill themselves or harm themselves online.

Dr. Carter went on to say that some teens research how many pills to take in order not to wake up.

Some kids — about 30 percent — were diagnosed as having gender dysphoria, which can spur feelings of depression and hopelessness in children and teens because of the discomfort and stress these kids face. Not to the mention bullying that the kids can face.

According to the Mayo Clinic, most kids with depression have a mental disorder, and because of that, have trouble coping with the stress of being a teen. Things like rejection, failure, breakups and family turmoil are some examples of what they might be dealing with. The Mayo Clinic also states that teens might also be unable to see that they can turn their lives around and that suicide is a permanent response to a temporary problem.

Risk factors for teen suicide include:

  • Having depression or another psychiatric disorder
  • Loss of or conflict with close friends/family members
  • History of physical or sexual abuse
  • Exposure to violence
  • Being the victim of bullying
  • Being adopted
  • Family history of mood disorder or suicidal behavior

Warning signs that a teen might be suicidal include:

  • Talking or writing about suicide
  • Withdrawing from social contact
  • Having mood swings
  • Increasing use of alcohol or drugs
  • Changing normal routine, including eating and sleeping patterns
  • Doing risk or self-destructive things
  • Developing personality changes or being severely anxious or agitated when experiencing the warning signs above

It’s important to note that some children and teens do not show any warning signs before attempting or dying by suicide. My best friend, the pharmacist, told me a story about one of her neighbors killing himself. He was only 13 years old, and according to the family, was a happy, healthy kid. But one day he took his life for reasons unknown. Sadly, this is not uncommon.

It’s also important to know that a lot of the the times, attempting suicide is an impulsive act, so they might not have considered reaching out for help.

There are also instances of kids reaching out to their parents, but the parents don’t seek help because they feel that antidepressants are dangerous for their kids to take. What’s dangerous is to allow misinformation to cloud their judgement and not rely on experts. Not believing psychiatric drugs are helpful is part of the stigma, too.

A common problem that kids/teens face is that if a 12-year-old, for example, needs psychiatric help, they sometimes slip through the cracks because they’re too old for pediatric psychiatry help but too young for adult psychiatry. Because of this, it’s important to do all the research you can and to find a good doctor who has an understanding of major depression in teens. You must be an advocate for your child, because they don’t know how to navigate such complex problems.

I don’t mean to scare anybody reading this, but it’s a huge (and overwhelmingly sad) problem that we must take care of.

I urge you to talk to your children about having feelings of hopelessness and help them learn coping skills to deal with the everything that goes along with being teen. This is especially important now because of coronavirus. Everything has changed, including their routines and being able to hang out with friends.

If you see that your child is struggling, please seek help. Early intervention is key. Consult their doctor, find a therapist and talk to them about depression. Normalizing depression and other mental illnesses will help your family be more comfortable with talking about big and overwhelming feelings.

Check out my blog on what it feels like to be suicidal here.

If your child is in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Life line at 1-800-273-8255. To learn more about suicide in teens, visit this website.

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Verbal Abuse

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I think everybody has come across verbal abuse at least once in their life, or maybe that’s just me. Either way, it’s not normal and shouldn’t be tolerated. I realize sometimes that’s easier said than done.

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Sometimes a family member is dishing it out, a best friend or significant other. If you’re anything like me, you might have trouble enforcing your boundaries when you try to shut it down. That’s normal, I think, but if you are experiencing any type of abuse, I urge you to reach out to a trusted friend or family member who can help you. Or to a domestic abuse hotline.

I’m not an expert on trauma, but I do know any type of abuse can do real damage to your psyche and sometimes, after repeatedly being abused, you don’t even realize it. And maybe start to believe some of what you hear.

Psychology Today says abusers feel more powerful when they put down the victim and that there are 15 common types of verbal abuse.

The different types of abuse, which can be subtle or obvious, include:

  1. Withholding — This is when someone purposely withholds information and there’s a failure to share thoughts and feelings, refusing to engage with his or her partner.
  2. Countering — This is a tendency to be argumentative in all contexts. For example, the victim might share positive feelings about a movie she saw, and the abuser may attempt to convince her that her feelings are wrong or might dismiss them all together.
  3. Discounting — This is an attempt to deny that the victim has any right to his or her thoughts or feelings. For example, the abuser might tell the victim regularly she is too sensitive, too childish or is making a big deal out of nothing.
  4. Verbal abuse disguised as jokes
  5. Blocking and diverting — Keeping the victim from talking about certain things and may say things like she is complaining too much or talking out of turn.
  6. Accusing and blaming — Where the abuser accuses the victim of things outside of his or her control. For example, accusing a partner of preventing them from getting a promotion because she is overweight.
  7. Judging and criticizing — This is where the abuser uses “you statements” that criticize, such as “You are never satisfied” or “Nobody likes you because you’re negative.”
  8. Trivializing — This “technique” is when the abuser makes the victim feel like they, or what they do, is insignificant.
  9. Undermining — Everything the victim says and does is never good enough to the abuser.
  10. Threatening — The abuser says things like, “I’ll leave you unless you do what I say.”
  11. Name calling
  12. Forgetting — This is when the abuser “forgets” a promise or forgets a date or appointment on purpose.
  13. Ordering — Anytime the victim demands something from the victim or orders them around is abuse.
  14. Denial — This would include denying or justifying bad behavior.
  15. Abusive anger — This occurs when there is any form of yelling and screaming, particularly out of context. Even saying “shut up” is abuse.

Something the article doesn’t mention is when someone is repeatedly and purposefully goading or prodding you about a sensitive topic — I’ve experienced this with politics, my weight and productivity. It’s not funny, and if someone knows it will upset you, that’s abusive.

If you feel like you always are walking on egg shells or you’re constantly being humiliated, you may be experiencing verbal abuse. Again, it’s never OK or normal.

My friend who was verbally abused by her boyfriend, said this:

“My boyfriend never appreciated anything I did. I was constantly walking on eggshells and would have to assess his mood all the time. If I knew he was angry, I’d try to suck up to him, saying nice things to him, complimenting him and doing things I knew would make him happy. But he was rarely happy. He blamed me for anything and everything. Luckily, I left him and haven’t looked back but some women aren’t that lucky.”

Constant abuse can lead to an anxiety disorder and depression. An abuser may try to isolate you from friends as well, making it harder to reach out about the abuser.

If you are being abused, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or visit www.ndvh.org

You are not alone. Help is always available.

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In a Nutshell: My Week in Review

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

This week was a busy one, with Isla’s birthday on Friday then her party Saturday. On Friday, my parents drove down to Corpus Christi to surprise her, and I think she was most excited about that.

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I was worried about her party on Saturday. Not a lot of people RSVP’ed and I rented a snow cone truck (so cool!) to set up in our drive way, but a lot of people came. That made me so happy. I get party anxiety (that’s a thing, right?) because a couple years ago, hardly anyone showed up for her birthday at Chuck E. Cheese, but honestly, she didn’t even notice. I need to chill with that, I know.

Some people just drove by and others stayed for snow cones and to play in the yard. Isla had so much fun, and so did Eli.

I was focused on her party all week, but I also managed to get 20,000 words written of my book in less than a week. I plan to turn my blogs into a collection of essays, and I’m super pumped about it. It’s always been a dream of mine to write a book, so this big step in that direction.

I feel like things are happening for me and that I’m making them happen (along with God). I want to help people with these blogs and the book and help people to realize they’re not alone in suffering with depression and anxiety. I think that’s so important to hear.

My “mental breakdown” only helped me rebuild myself stronger. I’m mentally tough, I’m resilient, and I no longer feel shame about a disease I can’t control. I’m grateful for all the pain I went through, because it spurred my awakening.

And you can’t be mad at that.

This week, I’m going to focus on my self care checklist again — I didn’t do a great job of that last week — and making healthier choices.

I hope y’all have a great week.

Stay in the light, friends.

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How to Deal with Election Stress

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

You’d have to live under a rock not to notice that tensions are running high with the presidential election coming up. (In 39 days, if you’re counting).

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No matter which way you lean, it can be overwhelming when there is so much drama surrounding the candidates and so much turmoil when it comes to social justice issues across the nation.

I’m a highly sensitive person, and when I’m inundated with negative political ads and negative news stories, I get stressed out.

As much as I’d like to bury my head in the sand and ignore the political climate, I can’t. I feel people who can “ignore the news” for any length of time are privileged in doing so. And there’s too much going on in this country that cannot and should not be ignored

I’m not the only one who’s stressed about the election. More than 60 percent of Republicans and nearly 80 percent of Democrats report being stressed out about the current political climate, according to the Stress in America 2020 report from the American Psychological Association (APA). The report is from July, so numbers could be a lot higher since so much has happened.

With the coronavirus wreaking so much havoc on our lives and the fact that it somehow became political, every single American has skin in the game, so keeping up with the news is crucial. But how do you do so when both parties are causing more polarization than there’s ever been (at least in my lifetime)?

Even if you don’t suffer from depression now, chronic stress can increase your risk of developing depression. I’ve been suffering with depression for years, so I know if I stress too much I can fall into a depressive episode. It’s easy to do, so I have to stay present and set boundaries for myself.

Here are some of the ways I cope:

1. Set limits on how long you watch the news/read the news – I don’t ignore what’s going on around me, but I do set what I think is a healthy goal in how much negative content I consume. I’d recommend reading the news and not watching. Sometimes news shows can be dramatic and anxiety inducing.

2. Don’t be goaded or provoked into an argument – This is a hard one because everybody’s passionate and has an opinion about what’s going on, but don’t be tricked into arguing with someone on the other side, especially if they’re internet strangers. I totally support political discourse but both sides must be willing to stay calm during discussions. Set boundaries for yourself and observe others’ boundaries if you are going to discuss politics.

3. Limit time on social media – Right now I get slammed with political articles on Facebook or people sharing their opinion about different issues. I used to get on social media to relax and share my life with friends, but it’s no longer that relaxing.

4. Make self care a priority – Continue to do things like exercise or meditation. My go-to self care practices include getting a massage, exercising, drinking lots of water and eating healthy foods.

5. Realize that the election happens in November, and there’s no sense in stressing about something that hasn’t happened. Make sure you’re registered to vote. Tell your friends to vote, and show up come November 3. It helps me remember that voting is the one thing I have control over.

Do you have suggestions on how to cope with the election stress? Drop them in the comments.

I beg of you, please vote in November. Too much is at stake. You can register to vote at Vote.org.

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Screw the Stigma of Depression

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

In my early 20s I had a conversation with two of my girlfriends about one of the girls’ boyfriend. She had made the comment he was taking antipsychotic medication for a mental illness.

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In my infinite knowledge and wisdom, I said something along the lines of “You should dump him. That’s a red flag!” And I laughed. The other girl, a pharmacist, said, “Dude, you’re taking antipsychotics.” I stopped laughing. It was true. I had been dealing with depression for a few years by then yet I still laughed and judged another for doing the same thing I was. When you’re young and stupid, you’re young and stupid.

But there’s a bit more to that story. What I wrongly said and did — that’s the stigma of depression talking and it talks a lot, even to this day.

Did I truly think that guy was psychotic or “crazy?” I must have and must’ve thought he was less of a person for being mentally ill. I’m ashamed for that.

It doesn’t really make sense I would do that given that I was mentally ill and embarrassed to even tell my parents I was suffering.

Throughout my life, starting as early as middle school, I had exhibited signs of an anxiety disorder, and later in high school, depression. It all came to a head in college when me beloved grandmother died. Even then, when it’s understandable to experience great sadness, I kept my depression and anxiety to myself.

It would be almost a decade later when I finally admitted to my mom I struggled. There was really no way to hide it anymore because I was experiencing severe postpartum depression. When my youngest was 2, I had reached a breaking point and entered into an inpatient psychiatric program at The Menninger Clinic.

I hadn’t told many people that I was going but while I was there it suddenly occurred to me that I had nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of.

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I tell this story because the stigma of depression is so powerful and far reaching. But it is so dangerous to perpetuate, and to not denounce the stigma. People literally die or don’t seek treatment because they think they’re weak, and that “it’s all in their head,” or because they’ve been told depression isn’t a “real disease.” Let me assure you, it is — a debilitating one.

Depression is a completely treatable disease, experienced by about 17 million American adults (stats from the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, 2017). What does it say about our society that instead of helping and supporting more than 17 million people, we’d rather buy into antiquated beliefs and nonsense that depression isn’t real or that it’s some choice to be made? Absolutely nobody would make that choice.

Depression is as real as any other disease. It’s devastating, chronic and sometimes very scary.

So, let’s stop the bullshit. Let’s educate people about mental illness and end the judgement that comes hand-and-hand with the diagnosis.

Below are hurtful stereotypes that perpetuate the stigma:

  • Happy people can’t have depression
  • People with depression aren’t mentally tough
  • Depression isn’t a real disease
  • Depression and sadness are the same thing
  • Antidepressants change your personality
  • Depression is all in your head
  • Depression is a choice
  • You can just “Snap out of it”

People can literally die when we help perpetuate these lies about depression. It has to stop. Help end the stigma by reading more about depression here.

Let’s do better and be better. There’s too much at stake not to.

If you or a loved one are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website here. You are not alone.

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In a Nutshell: My Week in Review

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

This week was amazing for me. It started off with an ECT, so that took up my whole Monday, but then on Tuesday I was told that one of the news channels here wanted to feature my blog and have me talk about suicide prevention. You can watch that here.

Usually, being on the news would really freak me out and I might’ve turned it down in the past. But I was completely comfortable doing it and so excited for what it might bring.

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My blog got a lot of traffic and people have been reaching out to me, saying they love the blog and were glad I was writing about depression and mental illness. That makes everything totally worth it.

I’ve been toying with turning my blog into a book, so I think I’m going to explore that further. I’d have to beef up my blog before I do anything but lately my writing has just been pouring out of me.

I want to thank everyone who visited my blog this week or reached out. I appreciate your support and kindness.

As for this week, it’s likely to be a wild one again, as my oldest child is turning 6 on Friday and we have a drive-by party for her Saturday.

I’m going to focus on my self care checklist this week and making sure I’m being as healthy as possible. This past week, I stopped filling out my checklist and I’m suffering because of it. You can download my checklist here:

Self-Care-Checklist-2-1Download

I hope everybody has a great week!

Love,
Heather

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The Best Advice My Therapist Has Given Me

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I’ve been seeing my therapist for about 10 years. I love her. She truly helps me and makes my life better. If you don’t go to therapy, I highly recommend it. She helps me work out my problems, listens when I just want to vent, and gently helps me realize when I’m exhibiting not-so-healthy behaviors. I trust her judgement and appreciate her very much.

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Therapy is beneficial, even if you aren’t depressed.

She’s given me some sound advice over the past decade, so I thought I’d share my favorite tidbits here.

“You can’t let anxiety prevent you from taking care of yourself.” I have a habit of making things bigger in my head, then worrying about it, which can prevent me from doing what I need to be mentally and physically healthy. Anxiety is such a monster and you can’t let it win.

“You’re not the black sheep, you’re different.” My political leanings and general philosophies on life tend to be very different from my immediate family and for years I’ve thought of myself as the black sheep, which has a negative connotation. For me it’s important that I don’t use this because it can make the metaphorical divide larger in my head.

“It’s not personal.” This is pretty common advice but advice that I need to hear constantly. I get these ideas in my head that someone doesn’t like me or is mad at me and there’s really nothing to back that up.

“You don’t have the ability to understand some things, like why people are mean, and that’s OK.” Too many times have I sat across from my therapist upset at something bad that happened or someone was cruel. She’s right, though. I don’t have hate in my heart, I’m kind and a generous person. I don’t need to know why something bad happened and I’m just fine not being able to understand.

“It’s not about you.” This goes along with “it’s not personal” and is important for me to remember, because again, I can make a mountain out of a molehill pretty quickly. My therapist says if I think there’s conflict or somethings not right in one of my relationships, just tell him you’re there for them. Ask if they’re OK. But don’t obsess because it’s just not about you.

“You grew. You turned the light on. You embraced your life, and that’s scary to some people.” Sometimes you outgrow a relationship, but that’s OK. Some people will do things to keep you small because they’re afraid of growth and change but never make yourself smaller for others.

“Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from.” This is by far my favorite piece of advice. I would get caught up in something someone said about my life and get so upset, but repeating this comforts me and gives me clarity. We all have people who can be toxic at times but this quote frees you from caring about their toxic or hurtful opinion.

“You’re very concerned with how [someone] treats you. Muster enough concern on how you treat you.” I love this. I do expend a lot of energy on others, but I’m learning to focus my energy on me and I can see the positive changes.

(If you have a toxic person in your life.) “You can admit that they’re toxic. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them. You can be grateful for what they’ve given you and be aware of their behavior at the same time.“

“You love everybody and everything but you don’t love yourself. You have to love yourself.”

“If you didn’t have struggles, you wouldn’t have strength.” So, so true.

“You don’t have to stay where you are. Find the sun, like a plant. Twist however you need in order to find it.” This is also one of my favorite quotes of hers. When I’m going through a depressive episode, these words remind me that there is still good, I just have to twist and grow to get to it.

“Be aware. Awareness doesn’t equal change, but it leads to change.” This is a reminder to avoid switching to autopilot in life. A lot of us go through our days without really being aware of our surroundings, our emotions and others.

“A person’s worth is measured by how they treat the most vulnerable population.” While this isn’t advice, it’s important to remember. Be kind to others, especially those who aren’t as fortunate as you.

My therapist has said so many other important things that have helped me and shaped me. One of the things that I hate most about depression is how it slows my thinking, jumbles my thoughts and it can be hard to have clarity about what’s going on around me. I’m not the only one — scientists have discovered that there are physical changes in a depressed person’s brain, such as brain shrinkage. It can also cause structural and connective changes. Between that and my ECT treatments, I can get overwhelmed with my thoughts and emotions easily, so I’m glad I have an outlet that helps me sort through my messy — or unruly, I suppose — brain.

I can’t recommend therapy enough, even if you aren’t depressed.

Stay in the light, friends.

To learn more about depression visit the National Alliance on Mental Health website.

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Real Me vs. Depressed Me

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

This past two weeks have been amazing. My demeanor has changed. My mood has lifted. And I’m able to do things that were near impossible before. The ECT treatment I had two weeks ago must have been a good one. I’ve seen a glimpse of my authentic self, who wants so badly to be set free from wherever she goes when a depressive episode hits. Before this past ECT, I was suicidal. I was unbelievably sad and anxious. I thought I was doing OK but I can see now that I wasn’t.

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I didn’t recognize this feeling of joy and happiness, and I can’t tell you the last time I felt it either. I’m more familiar with “Depressed Me,” a slower, sadder, less efficient version of me, riddled with depression symptoms, who seems to be the reigning champion of my brain. But now that I am feeling happy and I see the “Real Me,” I’m going to fight tooth and nail for it. I refuse to go down without a fight. How I’m feeling and what I’m able to do right now — that’s worth fighting for.

In the mornings, I don’t immediately feel weighed down and already exhausted before even starting my day. I have energy and am excited about the day. The chores and tasks I absolutely have to get done don’t seem so taxing and annoying. Showering is now relaxing and not a daunting chore I’d put off for days (yes, days!). I don’t feel the need to stuff with my face with food that I don’t want or need, which is a battle for most everyone. I’m more cheerful and attentive to my kids. The Real Me is kind of a badass.

I could name so many more examples. I don’t know if it was the last ECT. I don’t know if it was a new medication I started the same day as my last ECT. I don’t know how long this will last, but again, I gotta make hay while the sun shines. And I have to fight.

Fighting looks like me not solely depending on my medication and ECT treatments. It means exercising, going to bed early, eating healthily, keeping a strict routine and reaching out the minute I feel like things are slipping. It sounds like a lot, or maybe it doesn’t, but I’m done with my rebellious, depressed part of me that refuses to comply with even the simplest of instructions.

When I’m not handicapped by severe depression, I’m so powerful. I radiate love and happiness. My writing flows onto paper, because my words are powerful, too. I utilize my limitless ability to care for my loved ones. I’m able to reach my full potential, instead of being a shadow or fraction of my true self. Like the phoenix, I am rising and there’s not a whole lot that can stop me.

Here are some examples of what the Real Me versus the Depressed Me are like:

The Real Me exercises, reaches out to friends, eats healthy foods, writes/blogs, goes outside, puts the TV remote down, reads for pleasure, sings all day (to the point where her family complains), cooks, bakes, showers, brushes her teeth, laughs loudly, plays with her kids even more, styles her hair, gets massages (or goes to any self-care appointment).

Depressed Me sleeps more, watches TV until having to get the kids, endlessly scrolls social media, gets in bed until she absolutely has to move, doesn’t shower, blows off doctors appointments, gives into sadness/anxiety, doesn’t smile as much, has a short fuse, is impatient and more.

Depressed Me goes to sleep at night because she can’t stand to be awake one second longer than she has to. She’s judgmental and mean about her appearance and body.

The Real Me looks forward to the future but enjoys the present.

I’m certainly enjoying right now, and although I’m cautious about the future, my outlook is finally optimistic.

As I’m writing this, I’m hoping that you don’t get the wrong idea about Depressed Me. While I would love not to experience depression and anxiety, I respect Depressed Me. She fights hard and doesn’t give into her suicidal thoughts. She’s a fighter. She’s scrappy. She has grit, and without her efforts, the Real Me wouldn’t appreciate what it’s like to be happy.

For that, I’m grateful.

To learn more about major depression and signs of depression, visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness website.

If you or a loved one is experiencing suicidal thoughts, please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit the website here.

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In A Nutshell

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I decided I’d write a blog every Sunday detailing my week and exploring my progress with depression. You’re not in for a treat with this one. Sorry!

I’m feeling sorry for myself today. It doesn’t happen often, but it sure sucks when it does. I keep thinking, “Why do I have to struggle so much? Why can’t I go longer than three weeks being happy and active?”

I realize others have it worse than I do and that puts things in perspective— for about a minute or two. I’m grateful for the happy times I have and that ECT even works for me but god it feels so awful when the happy emotions leave my body and all that’s left is despair and dread.

Fuck depression.

I know I’ll feel better. I’m getting an ECT tomorrow, so I’m sure I’ll have some relief. I just wish I didn’t have to go under general anesthesia and have a seizure to get it.

I’m not going to say anymore because I just don’t have anything nice to say.

Here’s to a new week. A new me.

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