Author

Heather Loeb

For decades I've struggled with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, avoidant personality disorder, dysthymia and an eating disorder. I pen my misadventures here, but you can also find my column in the Corpus Christi Caller-Times (caller.com). Thanks for reading and for your support.

Out of the ashes, baby

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I’ve had depression since I was young; I can remember feeling anxiety in middle school and I definitely had depression in high school, I just didn’t know it then. It wasn’t until college (when my Mema died) that I really had a problem. When she died, I couldn’t handle it. I dropped classes because of the stress and overwhelming sadness I felt. I dropped so many classes that I was only going part-time. I can remember leaving campus to drive to my parents’ house multiple times a week.

I started therapy at my college and after a couple years, I realized I needed medication to help with the depression. I was so embarrassed. I didn’t even tell my parents. Now, my parents have always supported me and never really talked about depression with me but I had it in my head that this was a major flaw – my family seemed stronger somehow, that I should just pull myself up from my bootstraps and get a grip. But I couldn’t.

After I graduated college and started my first job hundreds of miles away from my family and friends, my depression got worse. It made me miss work….a lot of it. My other coworkers were resentful and I felt like my bosses hated me. I didn’t fare well in Corpus Christi and after a bad breakup I moved back home. I felt unsuccessful and like a loser. My depression got even worse.

Fast forward to me going back to Corpus Christi: I got married, bought a house and got pregnant. After my first pregnancy I felt ok but after having my second child I was not ok. Postpartum depression reared it’s ugly head. I had to stop breastfeeding at 4 months so I could get back on my antidepressants but even the meds couldn’t save me from being suicidal. It was awful. I spent my energy on making sure my kids were ok and I simply didn’t have enough strength to fight the ugliness that had infiltrated my body. One day I had to go to the ER for suicidal thoughts. Luckily my parents were with my kids. I was sent to an acute behavioral center and saw an awful doctor who wouldn’t listen to anything I was saying. I was released after a couple days and I found a new psychiatrist who started me on different meds. I’d like to say that fixed me but it didn’t. I was diagnosed as having treatment resistant depression, meaning my meds were not effective in fighting the depression off.

Things were pretty bleak and my depression was not controlled at all. The only thing keeping me going were my kids – they of course had constant needs that I had to focus on. It was when they were sleeping that my anxiety increased. I couldn’t control ugly thoughts like I was a bad mom, a bad wife and a total loser.

I was running on empty with no hope in sight. After talking with my therapist and husband, we decided that I would go to a psychiatric facility for help. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make. It would mean at least 6 weeks away from my babies and husband and I felt incredibly guilty. But I had to go.

At the Menninger Clinic I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety and avoidant personality disorder. I started electroconvulsant therapy (ECT) and different meds. I was able to come home after 6 weeks but I have to do ECT treatments every now and then.

I still get depressed. I’m actually in a little funk right now but I know I’ll get through it. I will always rise. I used to think that people with depression were weak but now I know that’s nothing but bullshit. We are strong. We fight to live every day. It’s hard and some of us don’t make it because they don’t have the means or a support system. They suffer in silence and that’s why I cannot. Please do your part in eliminating the stigma around depression and help normalize it. Check on your loved ones, let them know you care and shine a little light in their darkness.

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Exhaustion

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I take a lot of naps. I even go to bed around 9 p.m. most nights and wake at 7 a.m. but I’m so exhausted some days. Sometimes comments are made to me like, “What could you possibly be tired from?” among others. It hurts my feelings when I’m asked and I start to feel guilty because I don’t work or do more around the house. (I am a stay-at-home mom).

It’s true that I have a housekeeper and my two small children are in preschool most of the day.

Yet I’m still tired.

It has taken me a long time to realize that I’m not like everyone else who can go full speed during the day and who do more than I do.

It took my therapist pointing out that every single day I have to battle demons. Every decision I make during the day including what I eat and when I sleep affect my depression. There are some days I have to make myself take my pills because even that is a feat. I have to tell myself that it’s ok to recharge – it’s ok to take care of yourself.

I’ve come a long way in the past year, and while some things are easier, it’s not because the depression and anxiety aren’t there – they are. And unfortunately, they always will be here. I didn’t go to the mental hospital last year just for fun. I was there because I have an illness and needed help beyond what I could get at home. If I have to go to bed early or take a nap in the middle of the day, so be it. Fuck anyone who judges you, they will likely never know the struggle.

So for everyone who’s depressed out there, please take care of yourself and do what you need to do to get through the day. It’s hard battling demons and sometimes we just don’t win.

If you ever need to talk or vent, please email me at heatherannloeb@gmail.com

Thanks for reading.

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ECT has crippled my memory
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Memories

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

ECT has crippled my memory

ECT has crippled my memory

Again, I have been remiss in updating my blog, so apologies. I have a good excuse though – remember I told y’all about start ECT (electroconvulsant therapy) at the mental hospital? Well, I have continued those treatments and it has caused me to forget, like everything. That may be an exaggeration but I have forgotten people, past events and little details about my life. It’s embarrassing. One morning I was having my nails done and the woman next to me started a conversation. No big deal, right? Except she said, “Heather, how are David and the kids?” I would’ve sworn that I’d never met her in my life but she obviously knew me. I faked it and talked to her BUT THE SAME THING HAPPENED AGAIN….and then once more.

ECT is known to cause memory loss but everything I’ve read about it says it affects your short term memory and any events that happen around the time of treatment. My memory loss goes way back. I should really have a sign on my back that warns people of this but David didn’t go for that idea, lol.

The ECTs are helping in terms of my depression. It’s easier to take care of the kids and I have more energy during the day….not a lot but it’s better than it was.

Another update I didn’t share before is that I had gastric sleeve surgery in November. With my binge eating, I had gained a ton of weight after leaving the mental hospital. I was pushing 200 again and was so miserable, so I went to see a surgeon and after some diet changes and giving up soda (I miss it so badly), they scheduled me. I obviously can’t eat like I was and there’s definitely no binging. I’m down 25 pounsd and I have 20 to go until I meet my goal.

So, overall everything is good. I’m stable. It’s a hard thing for me to say because I never really have been before. I’ll probably have to get ECTs done for the rest of my life but that’s a small price to pay to be able to truly life a good life.

That’s all for now. I’ll see y’all later.

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My bad

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I have been remiss in updating my blog since I returned from the good ol’ mental hospital, so my apologies. The hospital actually helped me quite a bit. I was there for 6 weeks, which was terrible in terms of being away from my family, but I was able to get help for my depression, anxiety and my tendency to over medicate. I left with a brand new diagnosis, too, so that’s fun. Turns out I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, along with depression, dysthmia and generalized anxiety disorder. I also started up ECT treatments while I was there, which I am continuing now. It’s not as scary as it sounds – I know a lot of people think negatively about “shock therapy” – they seem to be working, for the most part. The only sucky part is that I have to drive two hours away to get the treatments, as Corpus Christi doesn’t have a place here to do it.

Things were going really well but honestly right now I am on the struggle bus. Even though I’ve been compliant with meds and going to therapy, my depression has returned as has my binge eating disorder. I got a lot of problems, right? Feels like it. I’ve gained a lot of weight in a very short amount of time and even as I write this blog, I am miserably overfull from a binge.

I plan on calling a nutritionist and upping my therapy appointments, among other healthy ideas but it’s really hard not to feel bad about myself right now. Bad that I am so depressed and not a lot seems to help it. Bad that I’ve gained weight and feel so horrible. Bad that I’m not the best example for my kids. I’m trying to pull myself out of this funk, but it’s so hard. It’s getting really hard to take care of myself, at least in the healthy way I learned about in the hospital. OK, so now that I’m typing all this it doesn’t seem like the ECT and new meds are helping. Sigh.

Even with all this crap going on, I still feel hopeful that I can get back on track and live a healthy and happy life. At least my hope isn’t gone. I have my friends and family to think for that – they all have provided me with more support than I ever could have imagined. I’m a lucky girl. And of course, my beautiful children keep me going.

So, I can beat this. I will. I’ll feel better soon. It wouldn’t hurt for y’all to pray for me, though. I’ll take whatever I can get.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for sticking around through all my mess. Much love.

 

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When the Going Gets Tough…

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

…the tough get going right? Ha, not exactly. My “tough” is getting the kids to school and maybe, and I really do want to emphasize maybe, take a shower that day. To the outside depression really seems to weaken a person but it takes a super strong person to trudge through the day (days and days and days), taking care of other people while breathing for yourself can be a job.

My point? When depression or anxiety starts to pull you down, I’ve noticed that a few things can help me crawl back up. With the help of my Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, which I mention in this blog, I’ve come up with both a relaxation and distraction plan to cut off the darkness when it comes. It doesn’t always help but may help you.

Distraction Plan:

  • Text a friend. This is a duh for me. Texting my besties always makes me feel better
  • Call my mom. My mom and I are very close and it always feels better to hear her voice
  • Get a massage. This always makes me feel good although my schedule is not flexible enough to just drop anything and go, so sometimes stretching and lying on a foam roller feels just as good.
  • Read a book. Enough said.
  • Eat chocolate. Again enough said.
  • Get under a weighted blanket and take a nap

I also like to say little prayers or sayings that give me peace. For example, “May God heal you, body and soul. May your pain cease. May your strength increase. May your fears be released. May love and joy surround you.”

Relaxation Plan:

  • Take a bubble bath
  • Turn on the TV and just listen
  • Take a nap.
  • Put on your most comfortable clothes, even if it’s sweats.
  • Get a massage.
  • Listen to soothing music.
  • Enjoy your favorite meal.
  • Burn some scented candles. I have to be careful of this because if I burn the wrong one, hello migraine.

If you noticed I didn’t write anything about going outdoors, not my thing. But taking a walk or soaking up some sun can do wonders, too.

I hope these lists help and hey, if they don’t, make your own damn list.

Thanks for reading. Stay in the light.

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Ketamine/Spravato

A Horse of a Different Color

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

The other day my doctor suggested a couple of Ketamine infusions to do until I can do ECT. I didn’t think much of this because I’ve done several ketamine infusions in the past and they didn’t do much for me, but I learned the clinic that I was going to in Corpus was doing the infusions wrong, or perhaps not in the ideal way. Let’s put it that way.

At the old clinic they were adding benzos (Ativan, Valium) to the ketamine, which actually lowers the efficacy of the ketamine. I didn’t know that until I got to Menninger. Also, the other clinic’s protocol was to give everyone 100mg/hour no matter what. Here, they go by weight. I was skeptical of that at first but now I see why.

When you do 100 mg per hour, rather when I do 100 mg per hour, I feel like I’m in a black hole. There’s a lot of dissociation and I just feel drugged up and then I’m tired for the rest of the day. When I tried ketamine at the clinic, it was almost a religious experience. It was the most calming, most relaxing, therapeutic experience I’ve EVER had. I felt happy – and I haven’t felt happy in a loooong time.

It was amazing. Now, this infusion lasted just 40 minutes but I’ve already noticed a shift in my behavior. I made some jokes with some of the patients and staff here. I cleaned up my room and generally my mood is a bit better. I still have depression, of course, but it did provide a respite from the constant pain I’m in.

This makes me hopeful. I’m scheduled to have another ketamine treatment Monday and then later in the week, I’m due to start ECT. I’m not expecting my life to change but I’ll take any improvement from my current state. Some days it’s just so hard to breathe and it’s so exhausting to be a wife, mother, daughter, friend, etc. It’s just painful. Everything is painful, so relief is all I want. I want to be there for everyone. I want to smile and laugh – just live in something other than this awful darkness. I know I have to work on my therapy, too, and believe me I am. Everyday here is emotionally draining and I don’t think I’ve gone a day without crying, but that’s okay. I’m just trying to get to the other side.

I hope I see ya’ll there soon.

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A Quick Hello from the Inside

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Look who has internet access! There’s so much to talk about, I don’t know where to start.

So, it’s been a week since I’ve been at the Menninger Clinic – it’s a psychiatric hospital in Houston. They’ve done a lot of psychological and cognitive testing and it turns out I’m severely depressed and I have anxiety. Duh.

Testing has also shown that I have a horrible memory, I have a hard time dealing with my emotions, I have no coping skills and my quality of life is at 25 percent. I knew the other things but when you see the results of a psychological test tell you that your quality of life sucks, and sucks bad, it makes you even more depressed. If that’s possible. And I’m here to tell you that it is.

I have a “team” that guides me through my journey here that includes a psychiatrist, psychologist, nurse, therapist and social worker. We all agreed that ECT was the way to go but what I didn’t expect was that I would have to be weaned off all of my meds. ALL OF THEM.

That’s:

Lamical
Topamax
Wellbutrin
Zoloft
Rexulti
Trentellix
Vyvanse
Klonopin
Ambien

That’s a lot. I’m surprised I haven’t exploded yet. Or maybe I should’ve exploded when I was put on all that crap. I’ve had little withdrawal except for the fact that I cry at the drop of a dime. I’m not all too sure that’s not normal at this point.

It’ll probably be two more weeks before I’m off most of the meds, then I can start the ECT, which I’m excited about. Some of the girls here have done it and said they’ve felt some improvement. My doctor said he hopes he can get me back to where I was before I had my little breakdown in 2017. That would be lovely. But I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket. The program I’m in asks me to go to classes, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, self compassion, grief journeys, chemical dependence education and more. They don’t depend on biological therapies only, they make you work. And teaching you how to mentalize and employ solid coping skills is a big part of the program.

My brain is super foggy right now, so I’m going to sign off.

I hope ya’ll are staying well. I’ll try to keep up the my blog as best I can.

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See you later, alligator

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

So, I’m taking off the next 6 to 8 weeks. I talked it over with my therapist and husband and we all decided I needed to be inpatient at a mental health facility this past week and, lucky for me, the clinic had an opening in the program starting this Monday that I wanted to be in and that was the best fit for me. One that focuses on my treatment-resistant Major Depressive Disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety and PMDD, and emotional eating. Even substance abuse, because I’ve abused my anxiety medicine in the past.

The clinic is Menningers in Houston, which is well known in the psychiatric arena. I’ve heard such good things about it and I’m hopeful. I should be – the program cost a damn arm and a leg but now’s the time to get better. Nothing else has worked.

The one thing I’m worried about is ECT is not part of my program and I really want to do it. The program leader said I can meet with the doctor to see if I’m a candidate but I don’t know who else would be a better candidate. I’ve tried multiple medications (Prozac, Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Lamictal, Rexulti, Saphris, Doxepin Lexapro, Cymbalta, Abilify – just to name a few), TMS, ketamine infusions and now Spravato. I’ve been depressed (way) over 5 years, so really how can they turn me down? But they could, so good thoughts please. It’s really my one shot. I wont be able to afford a place like this again and I’m not willing to be away from my children for this long again.

That’s the only thing making me nervous. My babies. I know my husband and mother-in-law (and my mom and dad are helping too) can handle everything, I’ll just miss them so much. I’ll miss my son’s birthday and I’ll miss the first day of school. It’s just hard. But when I come out I’ll hopefully be way better and won’t have to miss anything else, because let’s face it, I’m barely living now.

I won’t have access to internet, other than email., so this is so long for the next 6 to 8 weeks. I will miss blogging but I guess I’ll have some stories when I get back.

Stay well, my friends. See you on the other side.

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Crash and Burn

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Y’all. I have lost my damn mind. I stopped fasting. I stopped eating healthily. And I’ve been drinking at least one Diet Coke a day. The struggle is real.

IMG_2718I don’t even want to get on the scale because it would probably depress me even more but I’m guessing I’m around 179 again. I would say I’m surprised about this whole thing but I’m not. It usually happens when I change my diet and start weaning off Diet Coke but guess what? I’m going to turn it around and get back to where I was. I’m not going to be a quitter. I mean, I was a quitter for a couple of weeks, but that’s ok.

I still haven’t bought any Diet Coke for the house. I’m still buying healthy groceries. I just need to buckle down and back off the carbs, mainly macaroni and cheese. Delicious macaroni and cheese. And bread. Mmm, bread.

On another note, I haven’t been feeling well since I had that stomach bug at the lake house during the week before Memorial Day. I even went to the ER for fluids and to draw labs because I was sure I was low on iron or potassium or something. Turns out I wasn’t but when I went to see my primary care doc, he checked my thyroid and my thyroid numbers were low, so I got bumped up to the next dosage – 150 mcg. I haven’t noticed a huge difference, but it hasn’t been that long.

So anyway, I’m going to try and stop my shenanigans today but who am I kidding – it’ll probably be Monday. Or tomorrow. I’ll shoot for tomorrow.

Stay well, my friends.

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STFU, please

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Since I’ve been blogging, I’ve gotten a lot of feedback from friends, family and strangers. Most of it is really positive – some have thanked my for being so blunt and open about mental illness and they don’t feel so alone. I’ve also had others tell me that I’m “not doing it right.” I’m not praying hard enough, I focus too much on the negative, or this is something I’m doing to myself.

This is part of the stigma I’m trying to fix.

And I don’t have to defend myself. I know I’m one of the hardest working people when it comes to my mental health. Depression is NOT something I do to myself subconsciously. Nobody wants this. Nobody.

Don’t let anybody tell you that you’re not trying hard enough, or you’re doing this to yourself. Don’t think you can just pray this away (prayer does help but you know what I mean). Don’t let anyone think you are a lesser person because you have this disease. Those people obviously haven’t struggled the way we have, and good for them – they are very fortunate.

But you can try every treatment, pill, therapy, alternative medicine, meditation, etc., and you will still have this disease. Do you know why? Because your brain is not the same as everyone else’s. You have unruly neurons. It’s just chemical and it’s not your fault. Especially if you are treatment resistant, it’s not fair.

It’s still not your fault.

So the next time someone says pull yourself up by the bootstraps or think positively (I know you are), just remember that you are working hard. And forgot those other people who obviously are ignorance to the intricacies of depression and anxiety and how it affects you.

Just keep swimming, friends.

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