Author

Heather Loeb

For decades I've struggled with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, avoidant personality disorder, dysthymia and an eating disorder. I pen my misadventures here, but you can also find my column in the Corpus Christi Caller-Times (caller.com). Thanks for reading and for your support.

Migrainepalooza

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Remember when I said my migraines were nearly non-existent a couple of blogs ago? Well, this week they came back with a vengeance. Usually I would go get a ketamine infusion, which keeps them at bay, but guess what? The ketamine clinic here – the only one in town – has closed. The closest clinic is two hours away.

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Now what exacerbates my migraines is really anything but since I’m doing TMS and it feels like a woodpecker pecking the shit out of my head, it tends to make things worse. Good times.

This week I had to go to my neurologist for two injections. When my migraines get very bad and my abortive meds aren’t working I go to my doc and he gives me an injection of Nubain and some nausea meds. It worked for a little bit Tuesday but then the migraine was back in full force Thursday. I also had a less intense one on Friday but didn’t end up going back to the doc.

During the week I missed a board meeting, play date, didn’t get any chores done, barely saw my kids because they were either at after care at school or with my mother-in-law. And of course that all depressed me because 1. I felt like crap and 2. I felt useless because all I could do was lie down and take a massive amount of drugs that didn’t help.

My husband, who has picked up the slack for me this week, has decided to drive me to San Antonio for a ketamine infusion. Maybe he realized my job was too hard on top of his because I suggested getting an infusion before I started TMS to avoid this whole situation. Men, they never listen.

Last week I also talked about how good I was feeling and then I went a little downhill but with migraines three to four days a week it cant help but depress you. Chronic pain will do that to you, like I discussed in this blog.

I’ve now completed 10 TMS treatments and they say you’re supposed to feel a real difference by treatment 14 or so. I’m really hoping the ketamine will help my migraines, the TMS will start working better and then I can get my ass in gear. I do have two 5Ks coming up in the next four months and I haven’t exactly been running, unless it’s to the fridge for a Diet Coke (I needed the caffeine this week)….which I’m supposed to quit.

I’ll blog after my ketamine treatment and give an update on my TMS treatments next week. Wish my luck.

For more information on ketamine for chronic pain, go here.

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Whomp, whomp

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Once again, my brain is playing tricks on me. Last week I was flying high, going to the gym to run and eating healthy. These past two days I’ve felt myself going down the drain and it’s so frustrating because I haven’t done anything differently. I’ve been surrounding myself with positivity but now even that is hard to conjure up. The TMS technician did warn me that it’s a emotional roller coaster at first but I just wasn’t expecting such extreme mood changes. My anxiety is higher than it has been in weeks.

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Tomorrow I plan on eating a healthy breakfast, heading to the gym and continuing eating healthy throughout the day but there are knots in my stomach and fear that that won’t be the case tomorrow. And it’s already making me feel guilty. I’ve been reading all about showing up for yourself – not missing a workout or blowing your “diet” – and how it’s about integrity. Now I don’t feel like I have any integrity, which makes me feel even worse.

I’ve even regretting signing up for a 5K in November. I feel like I should’ve gone to the gym more last week, I should have run longer and farther. I’m scared that my depression will keep me from running more this week and then comes the guilt and fear again.

I know I’m in control. I know if I want to go to the gym tomorrow, I can go but there’s also that part of me that just wants to crawl in bed and ignore the world. I didn’t feel that way last week. I also know it’s all about getting uncomfortable and breaking habits but I’m just not sure I can be positive when all my brain is telling me is negative.

Stupid, asshole brain. It’s never easy with my brain.

Hopefully, it’ll get better as I’m approaching my 8th treatment and you’re supposed to feel better in about two weeks. I hope so. I really felt great last week.

It’s like being two different people at all times and that’s exhausting. Truly exhausting.

I feel weak, sad and worthless now. All I can do is pray for help and try to keep positive – fight all the horrible things my brain is saying and making me feel.

Here’s to tomorrow.

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Feeling good

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Today I went to the gym and ran a mile. Without stopping, dying or talking myself out of it. While that might not seem like a big milestone to some, it’s huge for me. I haven’t run since last year – I ran a 5K in June then begged off and probably haven’t run a mile since December. It’s usually hell getting back on track but today was doable. It’s a lot easier running with smaller boobs (compliments of a reduction in March).0

It’s also a big deal because I actually went to the gym. I actually have energy right now. Dare I say that I’m feeling good? Well, I am. I thought it might be the TMS treatments but the technician said it was probably a coincidence – you’re not supposed to feel better until week 2 or 3 – but we all know how special my brain is. Maybe it’s cooperating this time. It owes me.

I’m also feeling better because I’ve been listening to podcasts and reading a book, Girl Wash Your Face, which has led to some realizations:  Mainly that I speak to myself in a mean, awful way and that I hardly ever say nice things to myself. The book and podcasts have helped me see that and I think it’s made a huge difference. I’ve told myself that I’m stupid, failing as a mom, a loser, an idiot and useless. I would NEVER talk that way to a friend, no matter what. What a terrible way to cope with negative feelings. I’m also eating healthier and not quitting just because I screwed up (eating half a pizza). I take one meal at a time and realize that I have to keep going.

Another thing I’ve been practicing is not to let negativity dominate my day. I still have negative emotions but I’m able to process them, dispute what I’m saying or feeling and let it go. It’s hard to do and I haven’t mastered it yet but I can already see a difference.

Long story short, I feel good and I really hope it stays this way.

What about y’all? How do you speak to and feel about yourself? Does it make a difference in your day?

 

 

 

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Day 2 of TMS: Anatomical Variance

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I went back for the second TMS treatment yesterday so they could remap my brain and try to find that exact spot on my cortex where the magnet would be most effective. They searched and the searched and called corporate (Neurostar). Then the doc had an idea of moving the magnetic device back farther than it was or should be. It worked! My hand and eye were twitching, which is a sign they’re on the right spot.

The doctor then proceeded to tell me I have an anatomical variance – my brain isn’t the same as others so it was harder to find the right spot. Again, my brain is a real asshole and I’ve always known it was different but I didn’t think it was THAT different.

Anyway, once the found the right spot the treatment was started, lasting about 20 minutes again and this time it was less painful/uncomfortable. I can definitely make it thought 34 more sessions. Also, I didn’t get a migraine which is a huge plus. Hopefully, I wont have to worry about that in the next several weeks.

I’m not supposed to feel better until about 2.5 weeks in but I already feel better. Placebo affect, I guess, but I’ll take it. I’m still overeating (way too much) and getting anxious at night but I’m working hard to set goals for myself that will make me healthier.

Enter the Harbor Half. I signed up to do a 5k in November, one of the biggest runs in the city. I figure this is the best goal I can make right now because it forces me to train, fuel my body properly and gives me an exact date, or deadline I should say. I’m excited. I ran my first 5k last year but then stopped running so getting back into shape is going to be tough. I can do it though. I’ve done it before and I’m ready to get uncomfortable to make some major changes in my life.

That’s all for now. Thanks for reading.

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Day 1: TMS

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

So, day 1 of TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) did not go according to plan. Since it was my first visit, the treatment operator and doctor had to adjust the magnet exactly right so it would stimulate a certain part of my brain. They figure this out by sending a signal to your brain and seeing if your hand or fingers twitch. They had a hard time finding the right spot but eventually they were happy with where it was and began treatment.

It was weird. Everyone says it’s like a woodpecker pecking your brain and that’s exactly how it felt. The magnet was placed near my temple so it made my eye twitch and water. The treatment lasted only 20 minutes long, and the good thing is that I didn’t get a migraine, thank god. It’s not exactly painful but it is uncomfortable and I have 35 treatments to go (I’ll go Monday-Friday).

So I’m thinking, “this isn’t so bad” but then I got a call from the doc later that night saying she wasn’t happy with the data and they were going to have to remap my brain to find the exact spot where treatment is needed. The doc said she’s never had this problem with anyone else, of course, and it makes sense that my meds don’t work. If worse comes to worse, the corporate guys will come out and help so there’s still hope.

My brain is a real asshole.

Anyway, I’ll keep updating the blog and let you know how I feel as the treatments progress. The doc said it would take about a week to start feeling different. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

 

 

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You don’t have to talk about your depression

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

When I first starting writing about having depression, I had no idea so many people would reach out. The outpour of support was overwhelming and comforting. It can feel pretty lonely at times in the darkness of depression.

But some people – some surprising people – have not been so supportive or they have ignored my blogs and constant talk to normalize depression. One person, who will remain anonymous, said she understood that I was depressed but didn’t think I should always write about it – that it might make my sadder, that people didn’t need to know my business. I felt almost like I was embarrassing her by association. Actually, I’m pretty sure she was embarrassed – even embarrassed for ME. Like I should be ashamed.

But that’s what I don’t get – why people are weird about depression and mental illness. That’s what this blog is for – lending understanding to others and normalizing all mental disease.

What’s shocking the most is the person is my age, a part of my generation. Perhaps her feelings toward depression and mental illness came from her parents and family who considered it taboo or a weakness. Where does it come from?

But I’m not going to stop blogging. I don’t think I’m whining and complaining about being sad all the time. I think I’m telling the truth about what it feels to have depression. What’s weird to me is why it makes others uncomfortable? Why would you feel anything but compassion or even indifference in my journey? I think that reflects more on the people who are judging than it does me. I’m fine with having depression. Well, not fine, but I’ve come to terms with it. But it doesn’t bother me, so why should it bother you?

Why are people so uncomfortable with mental illness?

Before I end this blog, I wanted to remind y’all that I start TMS tomorrow and will blogging about the entire process and how I’m feeling after treatment.

Thanks for reading.

 

 

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Saboteur

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I had an epiphany today. I realized that I am not mentally healthy, which is completely different from being depressed or having mental illness. I flat out don’t do anything that would promote mental health, which no doubt affects my depression.

Recently, I’ve had trouble with overeating. My husband and I order out a lot and every chance I get I order something unhealthy and then proceed to overeat. It’s not a new practice, I’ve done it for years. What starts off as “I don’t feel great, I need a treat” turns into a habit that are incredibly hard to stop. But today I decided to stop.

Not just the overeating, but the way I look at myself, the way I talk and treat myself – it’s horrible and I would never say or do anything like that to another person. I pride myself on being compassionate and nonjudgemental – the oppotisite of what this saboteur in my head does.

I listented to a great podcast, Brook Castillo’s Self Assault, and learned that what I’ve been doing is assault – inflicting harm or attacking. This is what I do to myself day after day. Not only verybally but chemically as Brook Castillo put it – using chemicals and substances to inflict harm. That includes overeating, drinking massive amounts of Diet Coke and abusing meds, which I have a tendancy to do. I always need a hit whether it’s food, shopping, soda or relying too much on my anxiety pills.

So I threw out all my Diet Coke. I wrote down positive affirmations. I jotted down mean things that I said to myself and then disputed them.

And even though I begged my husband to order out tonight, we cooked a healthy meal. It was good but also sucked because I couldn’t overeat or have Diet Coke with it. I realize now that I’m constantly seeking false pleasure in things. I actually cried because we didn’t order out. But that’s just me being uncomfortable with change – losing my blankie, if you will. I have to get uncomfortable. I have to stop treating myself like shit if I don’t want to feel like shit. Again, this behavior can not be helping my depression one iota.

I also realized that I didn’t have any goals set for myself anymore. I used to set goals, acoomplish them and make new goals, it was just what I did. The fact that I don’t have any goals told me I don’t think I’m worthy or even capable, which isn’t true. Where does all this hate and sabotaging behavior come from? How on earth did I learn to talk to myself with such animosity and disgust?

Wherever I picked it up, I’m trying to put it down now. I know it’ll take sometime to break bad habits but I just have to do this. I have to be as healthy as possible. I have to set an example for my kids and husband. I have to love myself and feel worthy of that love.

Tell me, friends, how do you self sabotage and what do you do to be mentally healthy?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Kids

This post is about poop – fair warning

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

We all know that stress leads to depression and I have been stressed with my daughter’s potty training since this past December. I just need to vent.

Potty training started off well enough. She’d pee in the small potty we got her but she wouldn’t poop. No big deal. A lot of children start off that way. Then she maybe got scared of pooping in the toilet and started holding it in, which led to problems. She started to leave smears or go to the bathroom in her panties. That led to tons of scrubbing and the sanitary cycle. I finally gave up and put her back in pull ups. But the problem worsened – she’d hold her poop in for a week or more. She started to get a horrible rash from having some much leakage and holding it in. When we’d sit her on the toilet there was kicking, screaming and crying on both our parts. She also began to kick and scream when I’d try to clean her up. It was awful and I would be anxious the whole day knowing what was coming. Her pediatrician was very helpful but kept saying it was her diet, which really made me feel like a piece of crap -another thing I was doing wrong.

We took her to the GI specialist who gave us medicine to cleanse her out and cleanse her out it did. Her rash cleared up and she started using the potty almost all the time with very few accidents.

Then, she regressed. Repeat of everything aforementioned. She’s still holding in which leads to constipation with the leakage, which leads to the bleeding and painful rashes. I’ve tried a lot to get her to go to the toilet – bribed her with potty prizes, letting her sit backwards on the toilet to draw on with markers, letting her blow bubbles while she was sitting, tried letting her go without a pull up or panties – nothing has worked.

On her follow up at the GI’s the doctor told me she just likes to poop in her pants. I paid a lot of money to hear her say that. As long as she wasn’t constipated, there wasn’t a problem except the rash. I’d have to wait it out, she said. She would get it on her own.

I tell you all this because I feel like a failure of a mom. My anxiety at night is through the roof. I have to change her almost every hour to make she she’s clean and she’s still not going on the potty as much as she should. I wash my hands so many times a day, causing them to be dry and cracked. Not a big deal but this is the most stressful situation I’ve been in with her. And I know it could be worse.

Thankfully, her school is working with me. She’s moving up to the 3’s classroom where you have to be potty trained. I had to provide a note from the GI specialist saying we were working on it and I’m pretty sure she’s the only kid in the class not potty trained, which again doesn’t really matter but adds to my frustration and anxiety.

I’m just being impatient and I know I need to relax. She won’t be like this forever but going through this cycle since December has really worn me down, especially with the kicking and screaming.

Please fell free tell me your kids have had similar issues or you know what I’m going through, because right now I feel like I’m the worse mom ever.

 

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Commitment or the lack thereof

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I don’t know about others with depression but I have a real problem when it comes to making plans. I usually make plans or commitments when I’m feeling good or whatever passes for good, and at that moment I’m truly looking forward to whatever plans I make.

But then, my depression overcomes my desire to socialize or perform whatever task I signed up for. I’ve taken to doing things last minute or being non-committal. It doesn’t impress my friends or social group to which I belong.

Even if it’s something I know I’ll have fun at (girls’ night, group workouts), I still have to summon up the energy to take a shower, put on a happy face and go. And by now, my friends have accepted that it’s just who I am. But I’m required to go out in public where friends and acquaintances don’t know where I’m coming from and I know I can come off rude or flaky. I hate that.

In the past it’s caused rifts and arguments with friends and definitely problems at work. I don’t know what I would do now if I were working outside the home. My depression has gotten much worse than before I was pregnant and working, I can’t imagine facing workplace obligations, not to mention the drama, again.

I also feel so burdened when I have an obligation hanging over me and I get anxious when I put off a friend because I just can’t even. I’m still supposed to set up a play date from 2-3 years ago. Sigh. Plus, there’s always the drama of coordinating schedules with the kids. That just adds to my problem, hence why I don’t have a lot of mom friends. I want them, I do, it’s just hard now.

Hopefully, the TMS that I’ll start next week will change things: I’ll have more energy, my anxiety will lesson and I’ll feel less encumbered.

Maybe going out and taking on more responsibility will be easy peasy. Who knows? I’d like to do more than barely get by with socializing and start cultivating my friendships.

Let’s just hope TMS really helps.

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I’m back and with news

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Vacation has ended and it’s back to life, back to reality. It has been awhile since I’ve blogged but my last blog talked about how I forgot my meds while on vacation. I was truly expecting a depression storm but actually I feel great. Maybe a little restart was what I needed. It was just three days without my total regimen, so it wasn’t too bad. No breakdowns, no withdrawal symptoms, nothing. I freaked myself out all for nothing.

And I’m still feeling great. It’s weird, but I’ll take it. Nothing has changed except the medicine hiccup. But I’m thankful.

In breaking news, I’ve decided to take the plunge and try transcranial magnetic stimulation or TMS. I was recently approved by insurance and while it sounds weird, I am hopeful it will improve my mood even more and I won’t have as many depressive episodes.

So, TMS. In a nutshell, you sit in a chair similar to a dentist’s. An electromagnetic coil is placed against your scalp near your forehead. Next the magnet delivers a magnetic pulse that stimulates nerve cells of your brain – the ones that involve mood control and depression. In people with depression, it’s thought to activate regions of the brain that have decreased activity. It’s not completely understand but TMS is known to greatly help those with depression and anxiety. People like me.

Because I’m treatment resistant and I have MDD, this is the next step. It has fewer side effects than ECT (electroconvulsive therapy), which is a big commitment. With TMS, you do have 30 or so treatments in a row Monday through Friday, but you’re able to drive yourself home and one of the most common side effects is headache. That worries me a bit with my migraines but I’m willing to give it a try.

One of my friends in Dallas is almost over with her sessions and she told me she can feel a real difference. She also said the electromagnet feels like a woodpecker tapping at your brain but doesn’t necessarily hurt.

I’m hopeful.

I start August 15, so think good thoughts for me.

 

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