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ECT has crippled my memory
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Memories

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb
ECT has crippled my memory

ECT has crippled my memory

Again, I have been remiss in updating my blog, so apologies. I have a good excuse though – remember I told y’all about start ECT (electroconvulsant therapy) at the mental hospital? Well, I have continued those treatments and it has caused me to forget, like everything. That may be an exaggeration but I have forgotten people, past events and little details about my life. It’s embarrassing. One morning I was having my nails done and the woman next to me started a conversation. No big deal, right? Except she said, “Heather, how are David and the kids?” I would’ve sworn that I’d never met her in my life but she obviously knew me. I faked it and talked to her BUT THE SAME THING HAPPENED AGAIN….and then once more.

ECT is known to cause memory loss but everything I’ve read about it says it affects your short term memory and any events that happen around the time of treatment. My memory loss goes way back. I should really have a sign on my back that warns people of this but David didn’t go for that idea, lol.

The ECTs are helping in terms of my depression. It’s easier to take care of the kids and I have more energy during the day….not a lot but it’s better than it was.

Another update I didn’t share before is that I had gastric sleeve surgery in November. With my binge eating, I had gained a ton of weight after leaving the mental hospital. I was pushing 200 again and was so miserable, so I went to see a surgeon and after some diet changes and giving up soda (I miss it so badly), they scheduled me. I obviously can’t eat like I was and there’s definitely no binging. I’m down 25 pounsd and I have 20 to go until I meet my goal.

So, overall everything is good. I’m stable. It’s a hard thing for me to say because I never really have been before. I’ll probably have to get ECTs done for the rest of my life but that’s a small price to pay to be able to truly life a good life.

That’s all for now. I’ll see y’all later.

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My bad

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I have been remiss in updating my blog since I returned from the good ol’ mental hospital, so my apologies. The hospital actually helped me quite a bit. I was there for 6 weeks, which was terrible in terms of being away from my family, but I was able to get help for my depression, anxiety and my tendency to over medicate. I left with a brand new diagnosis, too, so that’s fun. Turns out I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, along with depression, dysthmia and generalized anxiety disorder. I also started up ECT treatments while I was there, which I am continuing now. It’s not as scary as it sounds – I know a lot of people think negatively about “shock therapy” – they seem to be working, for the most part. The only sucky part is that I have to drive two hours away to get the treatments, as Corpus Christi doesn’t have a place here to do it.

Things were going really well but honestly right now I am on the struggle bus. Even though I’ve been compliant with meds and going to therapy, my depression has returned as has my binge eating disorder. I got a lot of problems, right? Feels like it. I’ve gained a lot of weight in a very short amount of time and even as I write this blog, I am miserably overfull from a binge.

I plan on calling a nutritionist and upping my therapy appointments, among other healthy ideas but it’s really hard not to feel bad about myself right now. Bad that I am so depressed and not a lot seems to help it. Bad that I’ve gained weight and feel so horrible. Bad that I’m not the best example for my kids. I’m trying to pull myself out of this funk, but it’s so hard. It’s getting really hard to take care of myself, at least in the healthy way I learned about in the hospital. OK, so now that I’m typing all this it doesn’t seem like the ECT and new meds are helping. Sigh.

Even with all this crap going on, I still feel hopeful that I can get back on track and live a healthy and happy life. At least my hope isn’t gone. I have my friends and family to think for that – they all have provided me with more support than I ever could have imagined. I’m a lucky girl. And of course, my beautiful children keep me going.

So, I can beat this. I will. I’ll feel better soon. It wouldn’t hurt for y’all to pray for me, though. I’ll take whatever I can get.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for sticking around through all my mess. Much love.

 

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When the Going Gets Tough…

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

…the tough get going right? Ha, not exactly. My “tough” is getting the kids to school and maybe, and I really do want to emphasize maybe, take a shower that day. To the outside depression really seems to weaken a person but it takes a super strong person to trudge through the day (days and days and days), taking care of other people while breathing for yourself can be a job.

My point? When depression or anxiety starts to pull you down, I’ve noticed that a few things can help me crawl back up. With the help of my Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, which I mention in this blog, I’ve come up with both a relaxation and distraction plan to cut off the darkness when it comes. It doesn’t always help but may help you.

Distraction Plan:

  • Text a friend. This is a duh for me. Texting my besties always makes me feel better
  • Call my mom. My mom and I are very close and it always feels better to hear her voice
  • Get a massage. This always makes me feel good although my schedule is not flexible enough to just drop anything and go, so sometimes stretching and lying on a foam roller feels just as good.
  • Read a book. Enough said.
  • Eat chocolate. Again enough said.
  • Get under a weighted blanket and take a nap

I also like to say little prayers or sayings that give me peace. For example, “May God heal you, body and soul. May your pain cease. May your strength increase. May your fears be released. May love and joy surround you.”

Relaxation Plan:

  • Take a bubble bath
  • Turn on the TV and just listen
  • Take a nap.
  • Put on your most comfortable clothes, even if it’s sweats.
  • Get a massage.
  • Listen to soothing music.
  • Enjoy your favorite meal.
  • Burn some scented candles. I have to be careful of this because if I burn the wrong one, hello migraine.

If you noticed I didn’t write anything about going outdoors, not my thing. But taking a walk or soaking up some sun can do wonders, too.

I hope these lists help and hey, if they don’t, make your own damn list.

Thanks for reading. Stay in the light.

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See you later, alligator

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

So, I’m taking off the next 6 to 8 weeks. I talked it over with my therapist and husband and we all decided I needed to be inpatient at a mental health facility this past week and, lucky for me, the clinic had an opening in the program starting this Monday that I wanted to be in and that was the best fit for me. One that focuses on my treatment-resistant Major Depressive Disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety and PMDD, and emotional eating. Even substance abuse, because I’ve abused my anxiety medicine in the past.

The clinic is Menningers in Houston, which is well known in the psychiatric arena. I’ve heard such good things about it and I’m hopeful. I should be – the program cost a damn arm and a leg but now’s the time to get better. Nothing else has worked.

The one thing I’m worried about is ECT is not part of my program and I really want to do it. The program leader said I can meet with the doctor to see if I’m a candidate but I don’t know who else would be a better candidate. I’ve tried multiple medications (Prozac, Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Lamictal, Rexulti, Saphris, Doxepin Lexapro, Cymbalta, Abilify – just to name a few), TMS, ketamine infusions and now Spravato. I’ve been depressed (way) over 5 years, so really how can they turn me down? But they could, so good thoughts please. It’s really my one shot. I wont be able to afford a place like this again and I’m not willing to be away from my children for this long again.

That’s the only thing making me nervous. My babies. I know my husband and mother-in-law (and my mom and dad are helping too) can handle everything, I’ll just miss them so much. I’ll miss my son’s birthday and I’ll miss the first day of school. It’s just hard. But when I come out I’ll hopefully be way better and won’t have to miss anything else, because let’s face it, I’m barely living now.

I won’t have access to internet, other than email., so this is so long for the next 6 to 8 weeks. I will miss blogging but I guess I’ll have some stories when I get back.

Stay well, my friends. See you on the other side.

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STFU, please

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Since I’ve been blogging, I’ve gotten a lot of feedback from friends, family and strangers. Most of it is really positive – some have thanked my for being so blunt and open about mental illness and they don’t feel so alone. I’ve also had others tell me that I’m “not doing it right.” I’m not praying hard enough, I focus too much on the negative, or this is something I’m doing to myself.

This is part of the stigma I’m trying to fix.

And I don’t have to defend myself. I know I’m one of the hardest working people when it comes to my mental health. Depression is NOT something I do to myself subconsciously. Nobody wants this. Nobody.

Don’t let anybody tell you that you’re not trying hard enough, or you’re doing this to yourself. Don’t think you can just pray this away (prayer does help but you know what I mean). Don’t let anyone think you are a lesser person because you have this disease. Those people obviously haven’t struggled the way we have, and good for them – they are very fortunate.

But you can try every treatment, pill, therapy, alternative medicine, meditation, etc., and you will still have this disease. Do you know why? Because your brain is not the same as everyone else’s. You have unruly neurons. It’s just chemical and it’s not your fault. Especially if you are treatment resistant, it’s not fair.

It’s still not your fault.

So the next time someone says pull yourself up by the bootstraps or think positively (I know you are), just remember that you are working hard. And forgot those other people who obviously are ignorance to the intricacies of depression and anxiety and how it affects you.

Just keep swimming, friends.

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Week 2 Fasting: I’ll Take It

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Week 2 
Starting Weight: 187
Current Weight: 179

So, I lost 2lbs this week, which is great, but after last week’s 6 I was expecting more. But 2lbs gets me out of the 180s and I’m grateful for that. It means I’m that much closer to my goal weight in the 160s. I sound obsessed with the scale but I know when my clothes fit the best based on my weight. Plus, I’m obsessed with the scale. Which you shouldn’t be by the way – you should have non-scale goals, too.

As far as the Intermittent Fasting (IF), I did go most days without eating past 2 p.m. but this was a crazy week with end of the school year parties and Teachers’ Appreciation Week, so I had to eat dinner a couple nights. I still ate healthily.

I’m VERY happy to announce that I had NO Diet Coke this week. Not one sip. Last week I had a few sips here and there – nothing close to a whole can. Now I can say I went the whole week. I’m so proud of myself. I’ve been drinking Diet Coke for almost 20 years (yes, I’m old) and for the past 10 years my doctor has been begging me to stop*. He will give me a gold star for sure. Right after he jams my B12 shot into my arm.

Speaking being B12 deficient, my depression has been better since I started fasting and losing weight. I don’t know if it’s my diet or the ketamine infusions I’ve been getting – I received one three weeks ago and one last week. Even though sometimes anxiety and depression start biting at my ankles it’s not enough to bring me down. This allows me to keep eating healthy, drink water, make healthy decisions for myself and not sabotage my progress. My depression would not allow any of this to happen.

Getting back to the subject, I know I can’t lose 6lbs every week, like the first week – it’s unrealistic – so I know I need to exercise to speed up my weight loss. (As I’m writing this, I’m saying to myself 2lbs is good and I need to chill.) But exercise is good anyway. I’m still too nervous to go to the gym, I don’t know why, so I’m going to try my husband’s stationary bike. I hope after a few days I’ll get bored enough to go back to the gym to my favorite treadmill and eventually lift weights again. Maybe I’ll just woman up and go to the gym, lol.

This week I will be positive and continue doing IF as best I can. What healthy decisions are you making this week, friends?

 

*Diet soda has links to weight gain and metabolic syndrome, which can make diabetes worse or increase the risk of it developing. Some sweeteners in diet soda even cause insulin spikes in the blood which worsens insulin sensitivity over time and can eventually raise blood sugar levels, according to MedicalNewsToday.com

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Kids

Parenting with Depression

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I don’t talk about this much because I don’t want to come across as a bad mom but parenting with depression is hard. It can be real hard. Depression depletes your energy, at least it does mine, and what little I have left goes to the kids, I know – you can’t pour with an empty cup and all that. But what little energy I have, I have to spend it on feeding, bathing, dressing, and reading to the kids. And of course, getting them to school and back.

View More: http://jenniferstewartphotography.pass.us/loebfamily2018Luckily for me, the kids go to preschool for most of the day and I can go to therapy, take time for myself or take a nap before they come home. When they do get home, I get anxious what do with them and just want to lie down. YouTube is watched a lot around here when I’m going through a really bad depressive episode. That’s not something I’m proud of. My mother-in-law helps A LOT, which makes me feel guilty, and I feel like I rely on her too much. And I’m just talking about the depression, I haven’t even touched on my migraines and their frequency.

Because the kids take up so much energy, my showers get missed, I don’t cook dinner for my husband and me, and my house is a disaster. It’s so overwhelming and I feel like a failure on both the mom and the wife front. Then comes more guilt, followed by more anxiety.

Have you ever seen Bad Moms? I can related to one of the characters – Kristen Bell’s character. She happily describes a scene where she’s in the car alone and she gets hit by a car or a truck and has to go to the hospital a long time and basically everyone has to wait on her. Now, I’m not wishing to die here, people. But that scene is funny because a lot of moms can relate to that, whether they admit to it.

View More: http://jenniferstewartphotography.pass.us/loebfamily2018Parenting is so hard and it’s even harder with depression. I guess that’s why I love going to my mom’s house because she helps me with the kids and sometimes I don’t have to lift a finger. She cooks all the meals, helps with bath time or even just does it herself. As a grandma, she likes it. I hope.

I know intellectually I’m a good mom. I’m the first person they see in the morning and I’m the last person they see at night. I make them breakfast, pack their lunches and sort of put dinner together. I read to both every night. And I tell them I love them every single day. They are loved and they are taken care of. I know they can see I love them through my actions.

It sounds like I’m trying to convince you but I guess it’s me I’m trying to convince. There will always be this feeling that I’m not enough.

But depression is a liar.

Anxiety is a liar.

My brain just has to come to terms with that.

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Exhaustion

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

You know when you wake up and you’re in a good mood? You don’t even have to think about it, you just have a good day…

I don’t.

If I wake up in a good mood, which is rare, I have to constantly monitor my emotions to keep myself in a good mood. My therapist pointed out to me that (most) other people just have emotions but I have to manage mine. And it’s exhausting. I think that’s why I have to compulsively eat, compulsively shop or take something, like an anxiety pill, just to feel ok. Anything throughout my day could set me off or unnerve me and I’m always on alert. It leaves me feeling so depleted all the time, and along with my depression, I’m just so worn out.

I’ll tell you a story that isn’t the best example but it’s the only thing I can think of right now. My husband told my daughter that she could get a new kitten. I wasn’t on board at first, as we have three older cats now. I finally got on board and I went to look at some kittens alone last week. I was excited. I was having a great day and almost felt manic, which when I look back, I probably just felt like a “normal person.” Even my husband commented on what a good mood I was in. Back to the kittens. I found one that I liked and called my husband. I thought we could bring the kitten home and surprise the kids. I thought wrong. My husband said no – that we would have to wait until we got back from out of town. We’re leaving for a week after the kids get out of school.

I was crushed. I immediately felt depressed. All the happiness that was running through my veins turned cold and I couldn’t stop crying. I knew this wasn’t over the kitten, I didn’t even like it that much. It took me a few hours to realize that I was scared and disappointed because the feeling of happiness could be gone just like that. That I’m so fragile. I had stopped managing my emotions.

Again, that was last week and I haven’t felt that great since. It’ll come back, I’m sure. I hope. And if it does, I can’t let my guard down for a second.

I’m tired just thinking about it.

Stay in the light, my friends.

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The Impossible Task

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Recently I saw a Tweet talking about depression commercials and how they don’t mention how hard it is to do certain things – Impossible Tasks. This really hit me hard because when I’m very depressed there are chores and very easy tasks that I need to get done that seem impossible. Like, I might die if I have to do it. And not a lot of people understand it.

For instance, when I’m really down showering seems so hard. It seems insurmountable to get in the shower, wash my hair, then get out of the shower and do my hair. And shave my legs. Kinda gross, right? I don’t go long periods without showering but I dread when I have to do it. This is my impossible task.

Why does it seem so hard? I have no idea. But I’m thinking that everyone with depression has at least one task like that.

My husband and best friend don’t understand. It can take less than 20 minutes to shower. They ask, “why don’t you just get it over with?” But still, it’s not that easy. Even brushing my teeth seems hard sometimes. I swear I’m not disgusting or smelly, I’m just keeping it real. 

But going back to what the Tweet was talking about – they don’t mention things like that on the commercials. They talk about sadness and losing interest in things you used to enjoy, which does happen, but I feel the commercials miss a mark when they don’t talk about the other stuff: anxiety attacks, social anxiety, not wanting to leave the house, lying in bed for days, etc. I guess they only have so much time for the ad, but I think it adds to others’ perception that depression is “just sadness” or losing interest in things or being lazy. That doesn’t sound so bad, but there are dozens of symptoms that come along with depression, especially treatment resistant depression and major depressive disorder.

I’d really like to know your Impossible Tasks. Leave a comment and we can chat.

Thanks for reading.

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The Other Side

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I have a new respect for my husband. And any other partner of someone who has depression and anxiety. I’ve realized these past few months – a year, maybe – couldn’t have been easy for husband. I’ve gone from almost manic happy to severely depressed and hospitalized; I’ve told him I don’t feel well almost everyday; and he’s the one who helps me when my anxiety attacks come, which they do often. It’s got to be hard on the other side. We might not be suffering the same way but I imagine it’s a struggle to see his other half down and out.

DSC01340He’s so patient and sympathetic. I truly picked a good one. But it’s not always perfect, sometimes we fight about my depression. Sometimes it’s too much for him to bear all the responsibility while his wife can barely get in the shower and brush her teeth. That’s an accomplishment some days. Who else is with me?

So, I’m wondering…does every married couple or relationship suffer if one has depression/anxiety? Tell me, friends.

On another note, Rosh Hashanah begins tonight. For those who don’t know, Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year. It’s a chance to start over, reflect over the past year and then prepare to apologize to those who you have wronged (Yom Kippur).  I of course plan on apologizing to my husband but I owe myself a big apology too. I haven’t taken care of myself, I’ve put others’ needs in front of mine (kinda hard not to do when you have kids) and I haven’t shown up for myself. I break promises to myself all the time. But now I’d like to change all that.

I sometimes rely way too much on my meds and therapy to slough through my depression and that’s fine but I want to make an effort, when I can, to really meet all my needs, stop talking negatively to myself and practice self care. I know that will help immensely in my marriage. After all, you can’t pour from an empty cup. I want to be better for me and my family and I believe self care is the first step to that goal.

So, here’s to the new year. L’shana tov, friends.

Update on TMS: I’ve had 14 treatments and I’ve started to notice little things that are better. Around the 20th treatment is when I’m supposed to notice major changes and I’m looking forward to that.

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