Tag:

mdd

The Impossible Task

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Recently I saw a Tweet talking about depression commercials and how they don’t mention how hard it is to do certain things – Impossible Tasks. This really hit me hard because when I’m very depressed there are chores and very easy tasks that I need to get done that seem impossible. Like, I might die if I have to do it. And not a lot of people understand it.

For instance, when I’m really down showering seems so hard. It seems insurmountable to get in the shower, wash my hair, then get out of the shower and do my hair. And shave my legs. Kinda gross, right? I don’t go long periods without showering but I dread when I have to do it. This is my impossible task.

Why does it seem so hard? I have no idea. But I’m thinking that everyone with depression has at least one task like that.

My husband and best friend don’t understand. It can take less than 20 minutes to shower. They ask, “why don’t you just get it over with?” But still, it’s not that easy. Even brushing my teeth seems hard sometimes. I swear I’m not disgusting or smelly, I’m just keeping it real. 

But going back to what the Tweet was talking about – they don’t mention things like that on the commercials. They talk about sadness and losing interest in things you used to enjoy, which does happen, but I feel the commercials miss a mark when they don’t talk about the other stuff: anxiety attacks, social anxiety, not wanting to leave the house, lying in bed for days, etc. I guess they only have so much time for the ad, but I think it adds to others’ perception that depression is “just sadness” or losing interest in things or being lazy. That doesn’t sound so bad, but there are dozens of symptoms that come along with depression, especially treatment resistant depression and major depressive disorder.

I’d really like to know your Impossible Tasks. Leave a comment and we can chat.

Thanks for reading.

2 comments
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

Day 2 of TMS: Anatomical Variance

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I went back for the second TMS treatment yesterday so they could remap my brain and try to find that exact spot on my cortex where the magnet would be most effective. They searched and the searched and called corporate (Neurostar). Then the doc had an idea of moving the magnetic device back farther than it was or should be. It worked! My hand and eye were twitching, which is a sign they’re on the right spot.

The doctor then proceeded to tell me I have an anatomical variance – my brain isn’t the same as others so it was harder to find the right spot. Again, my brain is a real asshole and I’ve always known it was different but I didn’t think it was THAT different.

Anyway, once the found the right spot the treatment was started, lasting about 20 minutes again and this time it was less painful/uncomfortable. I can definitely make it thought 34 more sessions. Also, I didn’t get a migraine which is a huge plus. Hopefully, I wont have to worry about that in the next several weeks.

I’m not supposed to feel better until about 2.5 weeks in but I already feel better. Placebo affect, I guess, but I’ll take it. I’m still overeating (way too much) and getting anxious at night but I’m working hard to set goals for myself that will make me healthier.

Enter the Harbor Half. I signed up to do a 5k in November, one of the biggest runs in the city. I figure this is the best goal I can make right now because it forces me to train, fuel my body properly and gives me an exact date, or deadline I should say. I’m excited. I ran my first 5k last year but then stopped running so getting back into shape is going to be tough. I can do it though. I’ve done it before and I’m ready to get uncomfortable to make some major changes in my life.

That’s all for now. Thanks for reading.

0 comment
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

You don’t have to talk about your depression

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

When I first starting writing about having depression, I had no idea so many people would reach out. The outpour of support was overwhelming and comforting. It can feel pretty lonely at times in the darkness of depression.

But some people – some surprising people – have not been so supportive or they have ignored my blogs and constant talk to normalize depression. One person, who will remain anonymous, said she understood that I was depressed but didn’t think I should always write about it – that it might make my sadder, that people didn’t need to know my business. I felt almost like I was embarrassing her by association. Actually, I’m pretty sure she was embarrassed – even embarrassed for ME. Like I should be ashamed.

But that’s what I don’t get – why people are weird about depression and mental illness. That’s what this blog is for – lending understanding to others and normalizing all mental disease.

What’s shocking the most is the person is my age, a part of my generation. Perhaps her feelings toward depression and mental illness came from her parents and family who considered it taboo or a weakness. Where does it come from?

But I’m not going to stop blogging. I don’t think I’m whining and complaining about being sad all the time. I think I’m telling the truth about what it feels to have depression. What’s weird to me is why it makes others uncomfortable? Why would you feel anything but compassion or even indifference in my journey? I think that reflects more on the people who are judging than it does me. I’m fine with having depression. Well, not fine, but I’ve come to terms with it. But it doesn’t bother me, so why should it bother you?

Why are people so uncomfortable with mental illness?

Before I end this blog, I wanted to remind y’all that I start TMS tomorrow and will blogging about the entire process and how I’m feeling after treatment.

Thanks for reading.

 

 

2 comments
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

I’m back and with news

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Vacation has ended and it’s back to life, back to reality. It has been awhile since I’ve blogged but my last blog talked about how I forgot my meds while on vacation. I was truly expecting a depression storm but actually I feel great. Maybe a little restart was what I needed. It was just three days without my total regimen, so it wasn’t too bad. No breakdowns, no withdrawal symptoms, nothing. I freaked myself out all for nothing.

And I’m still feeling great. It’s weird, but I’ll take it. Nothing has changed except the medicine hiccup. But I’m thankful.

In breaking news, I’ve decided to take the plunge and try transcranial magnetic stimulation or TMS. I was recently approved by insurance and while it sounds weird, I am hopeful it will improve my mood even more and I won’t have as many depressive episodes.

So, TMS. In a nutshell, you sit in a chair similar to a dentist’s. An electromagnetic coil is placed against your scalp near your forehead. Next the magnet delivers a magnetic pulse that stimulates nerve cells of your brain – the ones that involve mood control and depression. In people with depression, it’s thought to activate regions of the brain that have decreased activity. It’s not completely understand but TMS is known to greatly help those with depression and anxiety. People like me.

Because I’m treatment resistant and I have MDD, this is the next step. It has fewer side effects than ECT (electroconvulsive therapy), which is a big commitment. With TMS, you do have 30 or so treatments in a row Monday through Friday, but you’re able to drive yourself home and one of the most common side effects is headache. That worries me a bit with my migraines but I’m willing to give it a try.

One of my friends in Dallas is almost over with her sessions and she told me she can feel a real difference. She also said the electromagnet feels like a woodpecker tapping at your brain but doesn’t necessarily hurt.

I’m hopeful.

I start August 15, so think good thoughts for me.

 

1 comment
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

Oops

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

So I start packing for a vacation to my family’s lake house last week and I begin with my kids. I’m in charge of packing for four, you know. Not so much for my husband but I do have to find his bag and remind him where we’re going and what he’ll need. Wife problems. Anyway, so I get everyone packed. Except me.

I forget my medicine. All of it. Unbelievable because I never forget anything important and I need my meds to be emotionally stable and I’m now 8 hours away from my stability. I also forget my wallet so this trip is starting off amazingly well.

I’m able to get an emergency three-day stash but because of the pharmacy’s rules, my refill situation and whatnot I can only get a few medications. How many meds are you on, you ask? However much it takes me to feel normal. I’ll let you know when that happens.

So I have some meds but not at the right strength/dosage. I am now in the unique position to know that a storm is coming. I only have a couple of psych meds. I couldn’t get my birth control, so my hormones will be thrown off. I have three days to get to my meds or disaster could strike and my depression could come back in full force. All the progress I’ve made lately, gone. I’m very dramatic tonight.

But this time I know it’s coming. Before, the waves of depression would just crash down on me with no warning. Is it any different now that I know I have a recipe for disaster? Probably not. I’ve warned my support base and I’ve even been trying to be my own hype man but I can feel the fatigue in my bones, the brain zaps from withdrawal, the heaviness that sits on your chest.

Or am I just imagining it all? I only have the recipe, I’m not cooked yet.

You’d think three days (Lawd, let it be just three days) wouldn’t do any harm but I’ve gone through withdrawal in just hours before with zero medication. It sucks how one mistake can derail you so much.

Here’s hoping it doesn’t. I was starting to feel pretty good.

0 comment
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

Hey – I’m cured! Thanks for helping

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I love when people try to help with my depression. Actually, I’m not sure I really do. What I like is when someone is truly educated about depression, especially MDD and anxiety, and makes a helpful suggestion, i.e. a certain vitamin or therapies I’ve yet to research such as TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) or ECT (electroconvulsive therapy).

What bugs me is when someone has vague knowledge of depression and assumes there’s a cure – there is no cure for MDD, only medication and therapies that can relieve symptoms. What really bugs me is hearing I’m doing something wrong or there is a cure and that I don’t want to find it. Believe me, I work hard at fighting depression and finding things to make me feel better. It’s no fun feeling this way.

And while I realize some people are truly trying to help, there are those ignorant people who fray my nerves whom I’d like to educate.

A while back I met a woman who had overheard me discuss my depression with another woman in my workout group. The woman came over, introduced herself and started discussing how society is overmedicated and suggested that depression was something we did to ourselves. We could heal ourselves. I felt so stupid and sick to my stomach. At this time, I had barely begun to discuss my mental health openly and I didn’t stand up for myself. She also began telling the other woman in our conversation, who had a thyroid problem, that she could heal her own thyroid through holistic methods. Now, I also have hypothyroidism and I want to say for everyone’s sake – NEVER DO ANYTHING WITHOUT CONSULTING YOUR DOCTOR. Going off your medication and trying holistic methods could do permanent damage. I’m not a doctor or a health professional, but please, always talk to your doctor.

Anywho, I was so upset I asked to change workout groups. Then I realized, screw that. This woman needs to see what a depressed person looks like – someone who can work out, someone who can be happy but have terrible days. And she needed to hear me talk about my depression over and over again. She needed to listen and needed to be educated. And hopefully, she has been. But the point of this story was that while thinking positively is helpful, you can’t think yourself happy when you’re depressed. Alternative therapies certainly can help but if you could cure yourself with happy thoughts then nobody would be in my predicament. Suicide wouldn’t be the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S.

I also want to address people who pinpoint one thing you’re doing and assuming that’s what’s causing your depression. If you are suffering and reading this, please let this be your takeaway: You are not causing your depression. You are not doing anything to cause it. You are mentally ill because of your brain chemistry and that’s not your fault either.

Here are some things that “cause” my depression, mind you some of them can make it worse depending on the person. These things have also been the “cause” of my migraines, too. What do you know!

Diet Coke, carbs, not enough sunshine, not enough exercise, not eating healthily, not eating enough, eating dairy, too much sleep, not enough sleep, negative thinking, carbs again and drinking out of plastic.

I also need to try crystals(?), essential oils, meditation (which actually does help me with anxiety), thinking myself cured and something about putting a banana peel on my forehead.

I’m always polite with the suggestions and maybe I should just tell people there is no cure. It’s a disease, I keep repeating myself but it’s unlike any other disease. If I had Type 1 diabetes, I don’t think anyone would list any of the options above. Surely, people know that you’re not responsible for causing diabetes, that you need medication to live and it’s nothing you can cure yourself of. Surely.

To sum this up, no matter what you can’t give yourself depression. Nothing you’re doing can cause depression. It’s not your fault, I promise on Diet Coke and carbs.

 

 

 

 

2 comments
0 FacebookPinterestEmail
Newer Posts
Older Posts