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mental health blog

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Guest Blog, by Lauren Logan:

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I was an awkward kid. Emotional, extremely shy, overweight, curly hair that was frizzy and out of control, and freckles. I was the kid everyone made fun of and very few wanted to be friends. I don’t even need one hand to count the number of people that I would consider true friends from ages five to 14. It didn’t help that I went to a small private school with about 60 other kids in my grade, so once you’re labeled as the social outcast it kind of sticks with you for a while. The summer between 6th and 7th grade, I lost a bunch of weight and I remember it was a lot easier making friends after that. I associated “not being fat” with being accepted and being good enough.

This association started as a small passing thought, then made a hard u-turn and hit me head on. It attached itself to me at the age of 12 and would stay with me until the age of 36. (By the way, I’m 36.) From that point on, I found myself under constant fear of rejection and wanted nothing more than to just be accepted. Friendships, relationships, work achievements, social circles – I made myself into what I thought others wanted me to be and along the way, forgot to take the time to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be.

Outside of school, my social life wasn’t any better. Even family gatherings were incredibly stressful for me. A few people at a time was okay, but when I say I have a big family, I’m talking about eight aunts and uncles and over 20 first cousins. By the time I was born, my oldest cousins had their own kids. I’m not going to do all the math, but I remember Christmas Eve was always a bunch of kids sitting on the floor waiting to open presents and if you had to get up, it was like walking through a maze and trying not to step on someone. It’s a great memory, but the other half of that memory is that although I loved my family, I did not like the feeling of being so overwhelmed by people. At any function with more than a few people, I would take safety by hiding behind my mom or my grandmother. If that wasn’t an option, I would follow around whoever I was most comfortable with (usually my cousin, who you know as the creator of Unruly Neurons). At my own birthday parties, I would beg my parents to please skip the “Happy Birthday” song because people staring at me and singing was unbearable.

My mom did everything she could think of to help me. Although we never actually talked about it, I imagine she realized that me hiding behind her for the rest of my life wasn’t going to work out very well. So, I was in Girl Scouts, basketball, drill team, even tried volleyball for a year but I wasn’t any good at it. (I actually wasn’t that great at sports in general, but I really loved basketball – thank God for B teams who will let anyone play.) And finally – I found theatre, which quickly became my first love. It didn’t help with social anxiety at all, but it was the one thing that I could truly escape to and the only thing I would stick with throughout junior high, high school, and some of college. Probably because it was fun to be someone else for a while.  

Throughout all that, I had lost and gained weight so many times throughout my life, I lost count. What I didn’t lose is the thought that in order to be worthy of love, I needed to keep the weight off. This is not only how I believed others saw me, but it is also 100 percent how I see myself, and it has been that way for a very long time. But the weight issue would just be a foundation for me to continue to pile on horrible thoughts about myself. I won’t list them all here but trust me when I say it’s nothing good. And the sad thing is that it gets easier and easier to add on those other negative thoughts the older I get. I’ve had counseling, I’ve taken medication, I’ve journaled, I’ve poured my heart out to a few people, I’ve latched onto my faith which tells me that all those negative things I think about myself are lies. But when the foundation of what you believe about yourself starts with what you look like, it is really, really hard to believe anything else. It all starts with something like, “If I were prettier… If I were skinner… If I were smarter… I can’t do anything right… I’m a failure… How could anyone love me… I hate my body… I’m disgusting…” Then it transitions from thinking it to saying it, and eventually believing that my entire identity and worthiness is completely dependent on what I see in the mirror. When I lose weight, I am a better person. When I gain it, I am nothing.

Enter permanent nerve damage and chronic pain. Do you know how hard it is to keep an active lifestyle when you’re in pain 98 percent of the time? Yes, I can lose weight by focusing on nutrition, but to actually get the body I’ve always wanted, working out is a major factor. When I met my husband, who is truly the best person I’ve ever known, I was introduced to weight and resistance training and I fell in love with it. It was fun, it made me feel good, I started thinking more positively, I had more energy, I was able to focus better, and I was way more motivated to keep a good diet. The thing about nerve pain is that it really doesn’t care about all that. It doesn’t care that I would have months of working out consistently, only to have to stop for weeks at a time because I could barely stand up straight. It doesn’t take into consideration that if I don’t stay active, I have nothing that makes me feel good about myself and all those negative thoughts I was working to push away are actually just hiding behind a corner, waiting to jump out at me. It certainly doesn’t ask me about how starting over time and time again is so mentally draining, and most days I just want to give up on ever being happy with myself because I’ll always be stuck in this cycle, so what’s the point? Also, I’ve been dealing with this nerve pain for almost twenty years now. I’ve done physical therapy, shots, medication, had surgery, and I’m told it’s something I will have for the rest of my life.

On top of that, when it comes to socializing, not only to I have to deal with what is now pretty serious social anxiety, but even routine things (going to church, going to work, etc.) become difficult because there’s physical pain that never goes away. But people don’t always understand what they can’t see, so when I opt out of social gatherings because I need a mental break or because I have pain in most of my body and it hurts to move – it’s not because I’m flaky. It’s not because I don’t want to see friends and family. It’s not because I’d rather stay at home and read all day or binge watch The Big Bang Theory or Stranger Things (I mean, that is what I’d rather be doing over most thing, but that’s not the point). It’s because I’m drained – mentally, physically, or most of the time it’s both – and I just can’t force myself to do it. Yes, I miss out on holidays and I feel horrible for disappointing people. I’ve missed weddings and birthdays and those are things I’ll never be able to get back. I’ve let people down because I didn’t show up. I’ve tried my best and at times, it wasn’t even close to good enough. I’m trying to do lot better.

I wish I could leave you with a list of things that have worked for me to overcome social anxiety, chronic pain, and negative thinking. To be honest, I wish I had that list for myself. I have found some things that help from day to day, but that’s the key – these are things I struggle with daily. So, I won’t be able to share any quick fixes that have magically solved everything, but I will share what gets me through.

  1. My people.
    It’s important to have people in your corner that love you and accept you. People that are okay with me following them around the room a few times until I’m comfortable enough to find my own space. People who will be my human shields when needed because I. Do. Not. Like. Strangers. Hugging. Me. Or shaking hands. Ew. At the same time, they know how to get me out of the house because it’s good for me, and they do it without a guilt trip. My husband and my best friend are pros at this. It doesn’t have to be a huge circle of people. I’ve found that it’s okay to not need an entire hand to count the people I consider true friends. Quality over quantity. Always.
  2. Things that truly make me happy.
    I love books. I always have and I’m certain I inherited this from my Mema. I love reading them, I love looking at them, and the smell of old books is the best thing in the world. I also love writing them. Even if no one else ever sees them, it’s okay. Reading and writing is as close to my true natural state as I can get, and it’s when I feel the most like myself. It’s not just an escape for me, it’s something that keep me going.
  3. Doing the hard things.
    It’s not easy and it’s not comfortable, but the only way I know I can overcome things is to actually do them. Most of the time, I get something out of it and I feel proud of myself afterwards. I still know when I really need to say “no” to something, but I try not to overthink it or agonize over things for days before they actually happen. Last February, I was asked to be on the committee for a two day women’s conference at my church. I knew not a single other person on the committee going into it and I only casually knew a few people that would be attending the conference. Was I scared? Heck, yes. Did I almost back out? Absolutely. But I went through with it because I started thinking that maybe there was a reason why I needed to be there, and if nothing else, that reason would be showing me that I could do these things and it would turn out okay. (It turned out more than okay.) Another really hard thing to do is to confront the actual issues behind negative thinking. There are lots of things and memories that I’ve pushed aside and avoided dealing with because it’s too painful. I would rather continue thinking negative things about myself than deal with why I think those things in the first place. But I do have to deal with them. There is no substitution for digging up the dead roots in my life and getting them out of there so that something better can grow.   
  4. Consistency and preparation.
    This one is hard for me because not knowing what my nerve damage is going to do one day to the next can really throw things off. I also can’t predict when something is going to trigger my anxiety and thought spirals and I end up spending the day in bed avoiding everything. But you make the best of the good days and do what you can with what you have. I try to stay as prepared as possible and take advantage of the time that I’m feeling good. This is especially true for days when my nerve pain isn’t as bad – I make it a priority to work out and meal prep, and focus on what I can do, and what I can control.
  5. My faith.
    This is different and personal for everyone. I was raised Catholic, and when I was in my early 20s, I stopped practicing Catholicism and became a non-denominational Christian. I don’t have a go-to scripture that makes everything better the instant I say it. I do have a couple of favorite worship songs that help when I listen to them, but overall, what I really need is Jesus and the love, grace, and forgiveness that comes with Him. I know not everyone reading this will be of the same faith, and that’s okay. I’m not here to write a faith blog. I included this because it is something that has truly saved my life and has brought me through some really dark times. It is the one thing I know that takes my broken pieces and puts them back together, and I come out better than I was before. My hope is that everyone has something like this on their list.

Finally, know that you are not alone. Everyone has struggles that are unique to them and our stories may not read the same, but the more I open up to people about what I’m dealing with, the more I hear “I thought I was the only one who felt this way.” We were not meant to do life alone, and we are not meant to live feeling defeated. Do the best you can today with what you have. Kindness, compassionate, and grace can go a long way when we extend it to others, but don’t forget about extending it to yourself, too. 

Lauren Logan lives in Plano, Texas, with her husband Tyrone. She’s also a writer, and my beloved cousin.

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This week was great.

One morning, while reading the newspaper online, I saw a story about suicide and there was a disclaimer at the end stating the newspaper doesn’t usually report on suicides but this was an exception.

I wrote a Letter to the Editor about how they should be reporting on suicide and talking about it more, otherwise it’s fueling the stigma. You can read that Letter to the Editor here.

I got to thinking that maybe I should pitch a column on mental health, since I send in lots of letters and forum pieces anyway. I had a meeting with the Editor and they agreed to let me write 5 column-style pieces. They’re going to run it as a limited series! I’m so excited. So many good things are happening to me, and it’s hard not to think about when the shoe is going to drop, but I’m grateful. So, so grateful.

I did a good job at eating healthier and following my Self Care Checklist this week. I’m proud of myself, but I need to improve on some things, such as drinking more water, going to sleep on time and snacking.

On another note, I rewarded myself for getting the gig at the paper with a new tattoo — a typewriter with a bird on top. I love it.

Anyway, that’s all for me this week. I hope this coming week goes well for y’all. Thanks for reading.

Stay in the light.

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TW: stillbirth and miscarriage, depression

Edit: After this blog was published, it was confirmed that Chrissy suffered a miscarriage, not a stillbirth. Just wanted to clarify.

Last week, Chrissy Teigan and John Legend announced the heartbreaking news that they’d suffered pregnancy loss with their third baby who they named Jack. Just devastating.

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Chrissy has shared before that the couple has had fertility issues as well as miscarriages, and unfortunately, this loss came after she was hospitalized for bleeding. She was around 20 weeks along.

I’m not going to pretend to know what it’s like to lose a baby, especially after all the loss they’ve already endured. But I imagine it’s unbelievable pain to say the very least.

Chrissy isn’t alone in experiencing pregnancy loss. The CDC reports that about 1 pregnancy in 100 at 20 weeks of pregnancy and later is affected by stillbirth, and each year about 24,000 babies are still born in the U.S. I’m not sure exactly how far along Chrissy was, but it sounds like baby Jack was considered stillborn. Anything before 20 weeks is a miscarriage.

The March of Dimes report that about 10 to 15 in 100 pregnancies (10 to 15 percent) end in miscarriage

My worry for moms like Chrissy is the increased risk of depression following the loss (women who have miscarriages also face a risk for depression). According to the MGH Center for Women’s Mental Health, depression is more common in women who have a stillbirth (14.8 percent) compared to women who delivered a healthy baby (8.3 percent). Women with an established diagnosis of depression don’t see a major increase.

It seems cruel that women have to deal with such an awful disease following such tragedy. It’s even more cruel when women have to deal with the stigma associated with pregnancy loss. Often, women are encouraged not to share their story and loss, which can lead to isolation and intensity in depression symptoms. It’s especially harmful if the stigma is being perpetuating by their family and friends — then there’s just no outlet for their grief.

That’s why I’m glad Chrissy and John are speaking out about their experience. There’s no logical reason to keep quiet about something so life-changing — something that happens to A LOT of people. I praise them in what they’re doing to help normalize pregnancy loss and miscarriage. Maybe it will encourage others to share their own grief.

I hope and pray for Chrissy and John’s entire family. I pray for everyone who has had to go through this gut-wrenching tragedy.

If you have experienced a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, please visit the Share website, a site dedicated to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support.

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please contact your doctor or call the 24-hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Here are depression symptoms to look for following a miscarriage or stillbirth:

  • feeling sad, empty, or hopeless
  • being irritable or frustrated
  • losing interest or enjoyment in most or all regular activities
  • feeling unusually tired and having a lack of energy
  • sleeping too little or too much
  • eating too little or too much
  • feeling anxious, restless, or distressed
  • feeling worthless or guilty
  • having difficulty focusing, remembering things, and making decisions
  • thoughts of death or suicide
  • making suicide attempts
  • having random aches and pains that don’t go away, even after treatment

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Teen Suicide On The Rise

by Heather Loeb

To say that everyone in the U.S. — around the world, too — has struggled mentally since the pandemic begin is an understatement. The only thing “normal” happening now is that people are feeling anxiety and stress during all the uncertainty in the world.

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What’s not normal is the alarming increase of suicides among teens.

Dealing with everything going on is very difficult for adults, but it’s even harder for teens because they’re a much more vulnerable population. Can you imagine yourself as a teen again, trying to navigate through coronavirus, school, hormonal changes and more?

The CDC reports that suicide rates among 10 to 24 year olds have increased 57.4 percent from 2007 to 2018. That’s insane. Between 2007 to 2009 and 2016 to 2018, suicide rates increased significantly in 42 states. Significant increases ranged from 21.7 percent in Maryland to more than doubling in New Hampshire. In 2016 to 2018, suicide rates for persons aged 10 to 24 were highest in Alaska, while some of the lowest rates in the country were among states in the Northwest. Suicide is now the third-leading cause of death among 15 to 24 year olds.

My best friend, a pharmacist at Cook Children’s Hospital in Fort Worth, sent me data showing that the hospital has seen 192 kids admitted for attempting suicide in 2020. Compare that to the same time period in 2015 when the hospital saw 88 patients — less than half of the current statistics.

These numbers show that suicide among teens is a pandemic on its own.

In an article on the hospital’s newsroom website,  Dr. Kia Carter, the medical director of psychiatry at Cook Children’s Medical Center, the vast majority of patients treated for self harm are girls, between the ages of 13 and 15. She also said she’s seen patients in her unit as young as 4 years talking about wanting to die.

I thought the quote below was especially insightful, in terms of kids thinking about killing themselves.

“We’ve seen a huge increase with younger kids knowing what death is because of video games,” said Dr. Carter. “We have to assess their cognitive level and find out if they know what death means or do they think it’s like the video game where they die, but get a backup player.”

Dr. Carter also acknowledged that social media plays a role in the mental health of children in teens. For example, they can be bullied online, or feel like they’re not good enough when comparing themselves to others on sites, such as Instagram. She said that a lot of kids are getting ideas on how to kill themselves or harm themselves online.

Dr. Carter went on to say that some teens research how many pills to take in order not to wake up.

Some kids — about 30 percent — were diagnosed as having gender dysphoria, which can spur feelings of depression and hopelessness in children and teens because of the discomfort and stress these kids face. Not to the mention bullying that the kids can face.

According to the Mayo Clinic, most kids with depression have a mental disorder, and because of that, have trouble coping with the stress of being a teen. Things like rejection, failure, breakups and family turmoil are some examples of what they might be dealing with. The Mayo Clinic also states that teens might also be unable to see that they can turn their lives around and that suicide is a permanent response to a temporary problem.

Risk factors for teen suicide include:

  • Having depression or another psychiatric disorder
  • Loss of or conflict with close friends/family members
  • History of physical or sexual abuse
  • Exposure to violence
  • Being the victim of bullying
  • Being adopted
  • Family history of mood disorder or suicidal behavior

Warning signs that a teen might be suicidal include:

  • Talking or writing about suicide
  • Withdrawing from social contact
  • Having mood swings
  • Increasing use of alcohol or drugs
  • Changing normal routine, including eating and sleeping patterns
  • Doing risk or self-destructive things
  • Developing personality changes or being severely anxious or agitated when experiencing the warning signs above

It’s important to note that some children and teens do not show any warning signs before attempting or dying by suicide. My best friend, the pharmacist, told me a story about one of her neighbors killing himself. He was only 13 years old, and according to the family, was a happy, healthy kid. But one day he took his life for reasons unknown. Sadly, this is not uncommon.

It’s also important to know that a lot of the the times, attempting suicide is an impulsive act, so they might not have considered reaching out for help.

There are also instances of kids reaching out to their parents, but the parents don’t seek help because they feel that antidepressants are dangerous for their kids to take. What’s dangerous is to allow misinformation to cloud their judgement and not rely on experts. Not believing psychiatric drugs are helpful is part of the stigma, too.

A common problem that kids/teens face is that if a 12-year-old, for example, needs psychiatric help, they sometimes slip through the cracks because they’re too old for pediatric psychiatry help but too young for adult psychiatry. Because of this, it’s important to do all the research you can and to find a good doctor who has an understanding of major depression in teens. You must be an advocate for your child, because they don’t know how to navigate such complex problems.

I don’t mean to scare anybody reading this, but it’s a huge (and overwhelmingly sad) problem that we must take care of.

I urge you to talk to your children about having feelings of hopelessness and help them learn coping skills to deal with the everything that goes along with being teen. This is especially important now because of coronavirus. Everything has changed, including their routines and being able to hang out with friends.

If you see that your child is struggling, please seek help. Early intervention is key. Consult their doctor, find a therapist and talk to them about depression. Normalizing depression and other mental illnesses will help your family be more comfortable with talking about big and overwhelming feelings.

Check out my blog on what it feels like to be suicidal here.

If your child is in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Life line at 1-800-273-8255. To learn more about suicide in teens, visit this website.

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Verbal Abuse

by Heather Loeb

I think everybody has come across verbal abuse at least once in their life, or maybe that’s just me. Either way, it’s not normal and shouldn’t be tolerated. I realize sometimes that’s easier said than done.

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Sometimes a family member is dishing it out, a best friend or significant other. If you’re anything like me, you might have trouble enforcing your boundaries when you try to shut it down. That’s normal, I think, but if you are experiencing any type of abuse, I urge you to reach out to a trusted friend or family member who can help you. Or to a domestic abuse hotline.

I’m not an expert on trauma, but I do know any type of abuse can do real damage to your psyche and sometimes, after repeatedly being abused, you don’t even realize it. And maybe start to believe some of what you hear.

Psychology Today says abusers feel more powerful when they put down the victim and that there are 15 common types of verbal abuse.

The different types of abuse, which can be subtle or obvious, include:

  1. Withholding — This is when someone purposely withholds information and there’s a failure to share thoughts and feelings, refusing to engage with his or her partner.
  2. Countering — This is a tendency to be argumentative in all contexts. For example, the victim might share positive feelings about a movie she saw, and the abuser may attempt to convince her that her feelings are wrong or might dismiss them all together.
  3. Discounting — This is an attempt to deny that the victim has any right to his or her thoughts or feelings. For example, the abuser might tell the victim regularly she is too sensitive, too childish or is making a big deal out of nothing.
  4. Verbal abuse disguised as jokes
  5. Blocking and diverting — Keeping the victim from talking about certain things and may say things like she is complaining too much or talking out of turn.
  6. Accusing and blaming — Where the abuser accuses the victim of things outside of his or her control. For example, accusing a partner of preventing them from getting a promotion because she is overweight.
  7. Judging and criticizing — This is where the abuser uses “you statements” that criticize, such as “You are never satisfied” or “Nobody likes you because you’re negative.”
  8. Trivializing — This “technique” is when the abuser makes the victim feel like they, or what they do, is insignificant.
  9. Undermining — Everything the victim says and does is never good enough to the abuser.
  10. Threatening — The abuser says things like, “I’ll leave you unless you do what I say.”
  11. Name calling
  12. Forgetting — This is when the abuser “forgets” a promise or forgets a date or appointment on purpose.
  13. Ordering — Anytime the victim demands something from the victim or orders them around is abuse.
  14. Denial — This would include denying or justifying bad behavior.
  15. Abusive anger — This occurs when there is any form of yelling and screaming, particularly out of context. Even saying “shut up” is abuse.

Something the article doesn’t mention is when someone is repeatedly and purposefully goading or prodding you about a sensitive topic — I’ve experienced this with politics, my weight and productivity. It’s not funny, and if someone knows it will upset you, that’s abusive.

If you feel like you always are walking on egg shells or you’re constantly being humiliated, you may be experiencing verbal abuse. Again, it’s never OK or normal.

My friend who was verbally abused by her boyfriend, said this:

“My boyfriend never appreciated anything I did. I was constantly walking on eggshells and would have to assess his mood all the time. If I knew he was angry, I’d try to suck up to him, saying nice things to him, complimenting him and doing things I knew would make him happy. But he was rarely happy. He blamed me for anything and everything. Luckily, I left him and haven’t looked back but some women aren’t that lucky.”

Constant abuse can lead to an anxiety disorder and depression. An abuser may try to isolate you from friends as well, making it harder to reach out about the abuser.

If you are being abused, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or visit www.ndvh.org

You are not alone. Help is always available.

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This week was a busy one, with Isla’s birthday on Friday then her party Saturday. On Friday, my parents drove down to Corpus Christi to surprise her, and I think she was most excited about that.

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I was worried about her party on Saturday. Not a lot of people RSVP’ed and I rented a snow cone truck (so cool!) to set up in our drive way, but a lot of people came. That made me so happy. I get party anxiety (that’s a thing, right?) because a couple years ago, hardly anyone showed up for her birthday at Chuck E. Cheese, but honestly, she didn’t even notice. I need to chill with that, I know.

Some people just drove by and others stayed for snow cones and to play in the yard. Isla had so much fun, and so did Eli.

I was focused on her party all week, but I also managed to get 20,000 words written of my book in less than a week. I plan to turn my blogs into a collection of essays, and I’m super pumped about it. It’s always been a dream of mine to write a book, so this big step in that direction.

I feel like things are happening for me and that I’m making them happen (along with God). I want to help people with these blogs and the book and help people to realize they’re not alone in suffering with depression and anxiety. I think that’s so important to hear.

My “mental breakdown” only helped me rebuild myself stronger. I’m mentally tough, I’m resilient, and I no longer feel shame about a disease I can’t control. I’m grateful for all the pain I went through, because it spurred my awakening.

And you can’t be mad at that.

This week, I’m going to focus on my self care checklist again — I didn’t do a great job of that last week — and making healthier choices.

I hope y’all have a great week.

Stay in the light, friends.

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This week was amazing for me. It started off with an ECT, so that took up my whole Monday, but then on Tuesday I was told that one of the news channels here wanted to feature my blog and have me talk about suicide prevention. You can watch that here.

Usually, being on the news would really freak me out and I might’ve turned it down in the past. But I was completely comfortable doing it and so excited for what it might bring.

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My blog got a lot of traffic and people have been reaching out to me, saying they love the blog and were glad I was writing about depression and mental illness. That makes everything totally worth it.

I’ve been toying with turning my blog into a book, so I think I’m going to explore that further. I’d have to beef up my blog before I do anything but lately my writing has just been pouring out of me.

I want to thank everyone who visited my blog this week or reached out. I appreciate your support and kindness.

As for this week, it’s likely to be a wild one again, as my oldest child is turning 6 on Friday and we have a drive-by party for her Saturday.

I’m going to focus on my self care checklist this week and making sure I’m being as healthy as possible. This past week, I stopped filling out my checklist and I’m suffering because of it. You can download my checklist here:

I hope everybody has a great week!

Love,
Heather

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