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Mental Health

Fasting as Fast as I Can Go

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

So, a lot of you responded to my weight gain blog. Tons of you reached out and said you were in the same boat, which is nice to hear that I’m not alone but it also means maybe I should share some of my weight loss journey, which shouldn’t be too depressing. One would hope.

Yesterday, I started a intermittent fasting plan. Basically I eat three meals a day but only between certain hours. I can eat between 6 a.m. and 2 p.m. and that’s it. I can have water and tea anytime, but mainly tons of water Now, I want to be clear that I don’t consider this a diet but making healthy life changes. I do not think fasting is sustainable for the rest of my life but I do hope it will encourage me to make healthier choices and help me gain momentum to start losing weight. Also, I’m not advocating fasting. Check with your doctor before your start any diet changes or exercise plan. You’ve been put on notice.

Anywho, I made it through the day better than I thought. I accidentally skipped my third meal because I read the plan wrong but I wasn’t that hungry during dinner time and David graciously didn’t eat in front of me, so there’s that. I also didn’t have any Diet Coke SO THERE’S THAT, TOO. I’m been trying to quit for years and even though it’s been one day it feels like years.

I want to document this journey with pics, so below you’ll find pictures of what I started at and I’ll post updates throughout this process. I also won’t be a liar and tell you I’m perfect. If I make mistakes while trying to make these life changes, I’ll ‘fess up. There’s no “cheating”, this is all a learning process. I’ll even tell you the numbers on the scale.

Yesterday, it was 187. I’m 5’7”, making my BMI 29.3, which is considered Overweight on the charts.

 

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So Much Weight

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

We all know that depression is a huge weight to carry but do you know what else is heavy? Actual body fat and I’ve got a surplus right now. I mean it. I’ve gained 20lbs in the past two months and it ain’t pretty.

At first, the weight started to just creep up, then I ignored the scale, ate Whataburger everyday and threw caution to the wind (and chocolate in my mouth).

I am so uncomfortable. My back is hurting again – it hasn’t hurt since my breast reduction last year. None of my clothes fit me right and I’m just disappointed with myself. I feel embarrassed and judged by strangers and those I love. I don’t know why.

There’s nothing like getting depressed about your weight while you’re actually depressed. I know some depressed folk who won’t take medication, effective medication, because one of the side effects is weight gain. The struggle is real. And for me, compulsive eating is a coping mechanism so this happens quite often. I eat my feelings and as it turns out I have a lot of feelings. Sometimes eating is the only joy I have in my joy as sad as that sounds. Also, if eating a certain meal felt good one time, I often go back to the meal to recreate feeling good. Even if it doesn’t work the second time, I still go back for more. I’m not a fast learner.

I know what I need to do to be healthy; it’s just hard when I can barely take a shower. But if I can drive my ass to Whataburger, I can drive to the gym, right? We’ll see.

There’s a 5K coming up in November I want to do, so I want to start running again. Along with eating healthier, I’ll make that my goal and maybe I can get these awful extra pounds off.

See below when I felt sexy and hot and a picture I took Saturday and felt blah.

 

 

I know I’m still beautiful and all that, blah blah, but I’m just so uncomfortable – did I mention that? In the picture on the left, I felt so sexy and wore cute clothes all the time. On the right, I feel like a hot mess – like fat girl in a little coat. I hope y’all are old enough to get that reference.

I’m going to shut up about it now.

So here I am going up a hill, depression/anxiety riding my back with the added bonus of 20 extra pounds.

I’m already sweating.

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Endorphins and Sandcastles

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

58384722_10103529967079724_4680691183503015936_oYesterday I was feeling good enough to drag my family to the beach. This may sound simple but I had to prepare snacks, drinks, load up the car with chairs, bring towels, lather up my kids in sunscreen, bring the beach toys, etc. It was like a Navy Seals mission for someone like me.

But I had fun. We built sandcastles and swam in the ocean. We lost toys that I told them not to bring in the ocean. I had a very good day. I felt happy and with all the sad days I write about on here, I must celebrate the good ones here, too. They are few and far between but I have noticed I’m coming across more and more. Ketamine infusions? God answering my prayers?

Who knows but I’m taking it.

Stay in the light, my friends.

 

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Treatment Resistant Depression

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

As I’ve mentioned in 389,432 of my other blogs, I have treatment resistant depression (TRD). It may sound like its not curable, but by definition it means one is non responsive to at least two antidepressants for a period of time. It also is characterized by extreme sadness, sleep disturbances, low energy, suicidal ideation and suicidal attempts.

TRD is experienced by 45 percent of patients with a major depressive disorder. That’s just crazy to me. It contributes to nearly one-third of patients attempting suicide in their lifetime, a rate more than double that of their treatment responsive peers, according to this article by Psychiatry Advisors.

While psychiatrists cannot pinpoint why some are treatment resistant, researchers have seen correlations in certain populations who are more vulnerable than others. For instance, women and senior citizens. Individuals who have had severe or recurring bouts of depression also appear to be more susceptible, according to Johnson and Johnson’s website on health.

What I found most interesting is other medical illnesses can play a part in TRD. The article states that thyroid disease and chronic pain (I have both thyroid disease and chronic migraines) makes you a greater risk for treatment resistant depression. Mind blown.

Other factors include substance abuse and eating and sleep disorders. I also suffer from compulsive eating and insomnia. I should donate my body to science when I die.

So, what happens with you’re treatment resistance and your meds don’t work? We do have options. We can go on the highest dosages of our meds – IF YOU’RE DOCTOR THINKS THAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU – or there are non-drug therapies which I’ve mentioned in the past, such as transcranial magnetic stimulation, ketamine infusions and ECT, which helps reverse symptoms of TRD.

I think the only non-drug therapy I haven’t mentioned in detail is ECT (electro-convulsant therapy), which is effective to 70-80 percent of patients. This is not to be confused of electroshock therapy, poorly portrayed in movies and TV. ECT uses general anesthesia intentionally triggering a quick seizure. It’s meant to reverse symptoms of mental health problems and as of now is the best treatment for depression.

So, as of now I’ve definitely more than two antidepressants/antipychotics: Doxepin, Zoloft, Prozac, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Abilify, Rexulti, Saphris and Seroquel. For me, that’s a lot. I’m also tried Lamictal as a mood stabilizer.

I’ve also tried TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation), ketamine infusions and I’m about to try the Spravato nasal spray which is based on ketamine.

Here’s to my people who are treatment resistant. You’re not alone and hopefully there will be better alternatives in the future.

One thing I forgot, there’s also a genetic test you can take that can tell you which antidepressants will work better for you. It’s called the cytochrome P450 (CYP450) test. Ask your doctor if this is an option for you.

Stay well. Stay in the light.

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Picking a Good Psychiatrist

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I briefly touched on this before but when I had postpartum and post-weaning depression, my then doctor was the wrong one to see. He said I couldn’t take Zoloft while I was breastfeeding (wrong) and had no suggestions when I was suffering post-weaning depression. I decided I would not see a man again. I didn’t mean this to be a sexist choice, just a personal preference. Obviously, this one doctor wasn’t up to date on current practices.

Even before postpartum care, he only saw me for about 15 minutes each time, which made me feel rushed and that he didn’t care. He had put me on a couple of different antidepressants, neither seemed to work, so he just kept me on them stating those were my only options and adding some anxiety and sleeping pills to the mix. So, I thought there were no other pills I could take. Wellbutrin XL and Zoloft were it for me. He didn’t even recommend therapy, which I was doing anyway.

Luckily I found a doctor that specialized in women’s mental health issues. Unfortunately, she’s in Southlake (Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex), so I travel up there once in a while to see her face-to-face and the rest of the time we have phone visits. She even has an email address that patients have access to.  I don’t ever feel rushed and our conversations are as long as I need them to be. I feel that she really listens.

I thought I’d offer some tips when looking for a new doc. So, when considering a psychiatrist, first ask for referrals from other doctors or friends first. It’s also imperative you do research online to view the doctors’ credentials, years of experience, what they specialize in and read reviews other patients have left. And, of course check if the doctors take your insurance. This goes for therapists, too.

And don’t be afraid to just try the doctors out. You don’t have to commit.. When it’s time for your visit, consider how they make you feel – are they listening, do you feel safe, are they rushing you, etc. This is an interview for them – not you. It’s a very personal decision and you have to be your own advocate.

Another important thing that falls on you is to be a good patient. Be honest with the doctor or therapist. If you’ve had trauma in your past, tell them. If you’ve abused certain meds, tell them. They need to know every medication you’ve taken and are taking. If you’re not honest with them, they can’t help you to the best of their ability.

Hope this helps.

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When I Hit Rock Bottom

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

About two years ago, I felt great. I was taking two HIIT (high intensity interval training) classes a week and when I wasn’t doing that I was training to run a 5K, a feat for me because I hate running. I felt so strong, so energetic and proud of myself. I was doing hard things, things I didn’t think I could do. I was a role model to my kids.

In June 2017 I ran the 5K. I was happy. A couple weeks later I started to feel bad. I wasn’t sick but I started to lose momentum with my workouts. Things that were once easy or doable became hard. Waking up in the morning was hard. I didn’t know what was going on. I knew I had depression but I was doing so well. It had been well over a year since I had Eli, it couldn’t be postpartum depression – I was over that.

I took whatever energy I could muster and put it toward the kids, which meant I suffered more. Showers seemed near impossible. I stopped working out. I just wasn’t myself.

In October, I hit rock bottom. I had suicidal thoughts. I was crying at every little thing. I felt anxious all the time and my marriage was suffering. Thankfully, my mother in law was helping with the kids.

During a school break, we took the kids up to my parents’ house. I had also made an appointment with a new psychiatrist who specialized in women’s mental health in Southlake. My then current pyschiatrist wasn’t cutting it. While my parents’ and the kids were at my parents’ lake house, my husband and I got into a huge fight and I just lost it. I was sobbing uncontrollably and suicidal. This next part is hard – I knew where some hydocodone was and I had a plan to take some but I didn’t want my mom to find my body. I called my best friend and she urged me to go to the ER.

I waiting for hours at the ER for them to transfer me to a psychiatric hospital. Around midnight, hours after I’d arrived, I was taken by ambulance to a psych ward at another hospital. I was there two and a half days. The psychiatrist there was a total dick. He wouldn’t release me until he “talked to my husband about my illness” and didn’t listen to anything I said. Because I had an appointment with the psychiatrist in Southlake, he ended up letting me go after talking to my husband of course.

When I met with Dr. Johnson, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. She diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder, PMDD, generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety. My old doctors just said I was depressed and never spent more than 15 minutes with me. Dr. Johnson spent more than an hour talking to me. She put me on medications I had never heard of, that my doctors never mentioned, and I left the office crying tears of happiness.

I did get better, I’m better than I was that awful October but I’m treatment resistant, so medication can only go so far for me. That’s why I try alternative treatments like TMS, ketamine infusions and soon the ketamine nasal spray. Right now, I’m definitely not suicidal but I have to struggle though days, some more than others.

If you’re suicidal, please go to the nearest ER or tell your doctor – any doctor. There is help and it does get better. You can also call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Someone is there 24 hours a day to help you.

Thanks for listening. This blog was a hard one to write.

 

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Saboteur

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I had an epiphany today. I realized that I am not mentally healthy, which is completely different from being depressed or having mental illness. I flat out don’t do anything that would promote mental health, which no doubt affects my depression.

Recently, I’ve had trouble with overeating. My husband and I order out a lot and every chance I get I order something unhealthy and then proceed to overeat. It’s not a new practice, I’ve done it for years. What starts off as “I don’t feel great, I need a treat” turns into a habit that are incredibly hard to stop. But today I decided to stop.

Not just the overeating, but the way I look at myself, the way I talk and treat myself – it’s horrible and I would never say or do anything like that to another person. I pride myself on being compassionate and nonjudgemental – the oppotisite of what this saboteur in my head does.

I listented to a great podcast, Brook Castillo’s Self Assault, and learned that what I’ve been doing is assault – inflicting harm or attacking. This is what I do to myself day after day. Not only verybally but chemically as Brook Castillo put it – using chemicals and substances to inflict harm. That includes overeating, drinking massive amounts of Diet Coke and abusing meds, which I have a tendancy to do. I always need a hit whether it’s food, shopping, soda or relying too much on my anxiety pills.

So I threw out all my Diet Coke. I wrote down positive affirmations. I jotted down mean things that I said to myself and then disputed them.

And even though I begged my husband to order out tonight, we cooked a healthy meal. It was good but also sucked because I couldn’t overeat or have Diet Coke with it. I realize now that I’m constantly seeking false pleasure in things. I actually cried because we didn’t order out. But that’s just me being uncomfortable with change – losing my blankie, if you will. I have to get uncomfortable. I have to stop treating myself like shit if I don’t want to feel like shit. Again, this behavior can not be helping my depression one iota.

I also realized that I didn’t have any goals set for myself anymore. I used to set goals, acoomplish them and make new goals, it was just what I did. The fact that I don’t have any goals told me I don’t think I’m worthy or even capable, which isn’t true. Where does all this hate and sabotaging behavior come from? How on earth did I learn to talk to myself with such animosity and disgust?

Wherever I picked it up, I’m trying to put it down now. I know it’ll take sometime to break bad habits but I just have to do this. I have to be as healthy as possible. I have to set an example for my kids and husband. I have to love myself and feel worthy of that love.

Tell me, friends, how do you self sabotage and what do you do to be mentally healthy?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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