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suicide prevention

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Suicide

In a Nutshell: My Week In Review

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

As some of you know, last week was a hard one. A very hard one. I was severely depressed and had intrusive suicidal thoughts. My best guess as to why is that I mixed up my birth control pills when I was organizing my pill box and it caused a huge hormonal shift. It’s scary that it can happen over a mistake like that, but I am feeling better now, and that’s all that matters.

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My priority last week was pulling myself together to be the keynote speaker at a Suicide Prevention Symposium. I was really nervous, but I think it went well. I had a lot of positive feedback. I wish they had recorded it so I could share it but because there was sensitive information in the presentation, they decided not to. I get that. My main messages were 1. You are not alone 2. Mental illness is normal and we need to keep normalizing it 3. We need to be able to openly discuss suicide and remove the stigma so people can reach out without feeling shame or fear.

If you are ever struggling with suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. If you are in immediate danger, go to the emergency room. If you ever need to talk, you can email me at heatherannloeb@gmail.com

This week I have a lot to look forward to because my parents are coming to visit. We haven’t seen them in awhile, so the kids and I are very excited. I’m also happy to get back to my usual routine after last week of conserving energy (Go here to read about spoon theory).

That’s it for me. I hope you guys have a great week, and as always, stay in the light, my friends.

Go here to read about how you can prevent suicides.

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In a Nutshell: My Week in Review

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb
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Yesterday I blogged about my ECT not being as effective as in the past, but today I’m feeling a little better. I’ve been productive, cleaning and organizing various parts of the house , so that’s something. I’m trying not to be negative about the situation, but sometimes it’s hard to get past “it’s not fair!” especially when I try so hard to maintain my mental health. So hard.

It’s all I ever think about sometimes, and despite my habits in the past, I haven’t done anything to sabotage it (such as missing my meds, not going to therapy, etc). Nearly every one of my actions is to ensure I’m healthy as possible, so it’s very offensive when my ECTs don’t echo that. OK, I’ve stewed enough about it.

This coming week is a big one — I’m the main speaker at the Suicide Prevention Symposium put on by the Suicide Prevention Coalition of the Coastal Bend. I’m very excited and a lot nervous, but I wrote my speech last week so I should be good to go after practicing it 800 times before Thursday night.

I’m going to take the next couple of days and decide if I need another ECT next week. I’m hoping I’ll inexplicably bounce back. Any good vibes you want to send, please do. I hope you all have an amazing Labor Day weekend and week to follow.

Stay in the light.

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In a Nutshell: My Week in Review

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Nothing too big to report this week. Halloween was fun, but I’m looking forward to cooler temperatures and moving into my new house, which should be before Thanksgiving. Allegedly. I’ll believe it when I see it.

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My series on mental health is still running in the local paper, and my third piece runs tomorrow. I’ve gotten some great feedback, and I hope I can do more in the future. Also, and I can’t remember if I’ve already mentioned this, but our local State Representative has asked me to speak at a Suicide Prevention Symposium, so I’ve been preparing my speech for that.

As far as my mood, I’m OK to good (depending on the house, lol). I made real strides last week in making healthier decisions, so now I just have to follow through. I still miss Diet Coke so much, but I’ve gone 8 days without it, and I’m proud of myself for it.

I hope you guys have a great week. Stay in the light.

Love,
Heather

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Suicide

6 Myths About Suicide

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb
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Suicide is widely misunderstood, which makes sense because it’s considered a taboo subject in most every culture and just isn’t talked about enough. I get why some people don’t want to talk about it, but suicide rates are increasing in the U.S. I believe they will increase even more now that we’re dealing with a pandemic.

There will be lasting effects of coronavirus, and it’s undoubtedly going to wreak havoc on mental health in this country, not to mention, the rest of the world.

If we could normalize talk of suicide, I truly believe we could save lives, even – and especially – during times of crisis.   

It’s important to note that suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S., so this isn’t an uncommon problem.

Below you’ll find some of the most common myths relating to suicide.

  1. You shouldn’t bring it up – Don’t be afraid to broach the subject with someone who may have suicidal thoughts. Experts agree that by bringing it up, you’re not making it worse or giving anyone ideas. When you start the conversation, you are allowing someone to vent, and maybe by talking openly with you, your loved one might feel less overwhelmed by their feelings. And as I mentioned earlier, the more we talk about suicide, the more we reduce its stigma.
  2. Someone who’s suicidal truly wants to die – I speak from personal experience when I say this: when I have been suicidal, and there have been many instances, and experiencing suicidal thoughts, I’m doing so because I am overwhelmed with pain and just want it to stop. I don’t necessarily want to die, but when you’re in that much pain, all you can think about is it stopping. It’s understandable to me why people do die by suicide because of that.
  3. Someone who doesn’t have depression won’t die by suicide – While depression does increase the likelihood of dying by suicide, it does not need to be present in a loved one for them to be suicidal. Financial and work stress can contribute to someone feeling suicidal. Drug and alcohol substance and/or abuse also can contribute.
  4. Someone who is suicidal or who has attempted suicide is seeking attention or being dramatic – This is a dangerous assumption. Please treat every threat of suicide as a dire crisis, because it is. Even if you think they’re “being dramatic,” it’s easier to take a friend to the emergency room than a morgue. Anyone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts should be considered as in crisis mode and you should act appropriately. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or use text the Crisis Text line by texting HOME to 741741.
  5. Giving someone a crisis hotline phone number is enough – While I have found the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline to be extremely helpful in my times of crisis, sometimes it’s better to talk face-to-face with a friend or take your loved one to the hospital to ensure they are safe. Help your loved one come up with a Safety Plan, a simple guide of who to call and coping skills to use if in crisis. View an example of a safety plan here.
  6. People who die by suicide are selfish or taking the “easy way out” – I hate when I hear this. There’s nothing easy about being mentally ill or having suicidal thoughts. You don’t choose to have them, and all you want is to stop them. That’s not easy or selfish. Be compassionate and realize that if someone is seriously thinking about ending their life, it must be for good reason. Be a friend and leave judgement at the door.  

The best thing you can do as a friend is research ways to help your loved one, refrain from using judgement, sit with them if they are suicidal and take them to the hospital if they are in immediate danger of hurting themselves. DO NOT leave them alone, even if they ask you to leave. Stay with them to keep them safe.

Don’t be afraid to be direct and ask things, such as “Are you suicidal? Do you have a plan? Have you attempted before? Do you have a gun in your house?” and more. It might be uncomfortable, but it’s the best way to help.

Again, I just want to mention that there’s a 24-hour hotline, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline that you can call at 1-800-273-8255. And the Crisis Text Line, just text HOME to 741741.

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Suicide

Teen Suicide On The Rise

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

To say that everyone in the U.S. — around the world, too — has struggled mentally since the pandemic begin is an understatement. The only thing “normal” happening now is that people are feeling anxiety and stress during all the uncertainty in the world.

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What’s not normal is the alarming increase of suicides among teens.

Dealing with everything going on is very difficult for adults, but it’s even harder for teens because they’re a much more vulnerable population. Can you imagine yourself as a teen again, trying to navigate through coronavirus, school, hormonal changes and more?

The CDC reports that suicide rates among 10 to 24 year olds have increased 57.4 percent from 2007 to 2018. That’s insane. Between 2007 to 2009 and 2016 to 2018, suicide rates increased significantly in 42 states. Significant increases ranged from 21.7 percent in Maryland to more than doubling in New Hampshire. In 2016 to 2018, suicide rates for persons aged 10 to 24 were highest in Alaska, while some of the lowest rates in the country were among states in the Northwest. Suicide is now the third-leading cause of death among 15 to 24 year olds.

My best friend, a pharmacist at Cook Children’s Hospital in Fort Worth, sent me data showing that the hospital has seen 192 kids admitted for attempting suicide in 2020. Compare that to the same time period in 2015 when the hospital saw 88 patients — less than half of the current statistics.

These numbers show that suicide among teens is a pandemic on its own.

In an article on the hospital’s newsroom website,  Dr. Kia Carter, the medical director of psychiatry at Cook Children’s Medical Center, the vast majority of patients treated for self harm are girls, between the ages of 13 and 15. She also said she’s seen patients in her unit as young as 4 years talking about wanting to die.

I thought the quote below was especially insightful, in terms of kids thinking about killing themselves.

“We’ve seen a huge increase with younger kids knowing what death is because of video games,” said Dr. Carter. “We have to assess their cognitive level and find out if they know what death means or do they think it’s like the video game where they die, but get a backup player.”

Dr. Carter also acknowledged that social media plays a role in the mental health of children in teens. For example, they can be bullied online, or feel like they’re not good enough when comparing themselves to others on sites, such as Instagram. She said that a lot of kids are getting ideas on how to kill themselves or harm themselves online.

Dr. Carter went on to say that some teens research how many pills to take in order not to wake up.

Some kids — about 30 percent — were diagnosed as having gender dysphoria, which can spur feelings of depression and hopelessness in children and teens because of the discomfort and stress these kids face. Not to the mention bullying that the kids can face.

According to the Mayo Clinic, most kids with depression have a mental disorder, and because of that, have trouble coping with the stress of being a teen. Things like rejection, failure, breakups and family turmoil are some examples of what they might be dealing with. The Mayo Clinic also states that teens might also be unable to see that they can turn their lives around and that suicide is a permanent response to a temporary problem.

Risk factors for teen suicide include:

  • Having depression or another psychiatric disorder
  • Loss of or conflict with close friends/family members
  • History of physical or sexual abuse
  • Exposure to violence
  • Being the victim of bullying
  • Being adopted
  • Family history of mood disorder or suicidal behavior

Warning signs that a teen might be suicidal include:

  • Talking or writing about suicide
  • Withdrawing from social contact
  • Having mood swings
  • Increasing use of alcohol or drugs
  • Changing normal routine, including eating and sleeping patterns
  • Doing risk or self-destructive things
  • Developing personality changes or being severely anxious or agitated when experiencing the warning signs above

It’s important to note that some children and teens do not show any warning signs before attempting or dying by suicide. My best friend, the pharmacist, told me a story about one of her neighbors killing himself. He was only 13 years old, and according to the family, was a happy, healthy kid. But one day he took his life for reasons unknown. Sadly, this is not uncommon.

It’s also important to know that a lot of the the times, attempting suicide is an impulsive act, so they might not have considered reaching out for help.

There are also instances of kids reaching out to their parents, but the parents don’t seek help because they feel that antidepressants are dangerous for their kids to take. What’s dangerous is to allow misinformation to cloud their judgement and not rely on experts. Not believing psychiatric drugs are helpful is part of the stigma, too.

A common problem that kids/teens face is that if a 12-year-old, for example, needs psychiatric help, they sometimes slip through the cracks because they’re too old for pediatric psychiatry help but too young for adult psychiatry. Because of this, it’s important to do all the research you can and to find a good doctor who has an understanding of major depression in teens. You must be an advocate for your child, because they don’t know how to navigate such complex problems.

I don’t mean to scare anybody reading this, but it’s a huge (and overwhelmingly sad) problem that we must take care of.

I urge you to talk to your children about having feelings of hopelessness and help them learn coping skills to deal with the everything that goes along with being teen. This is especially important now because of coronavirus. Everything has changed, including their routines and being able to hang out with friends.

If you see that your child is struggling, please seek help. Early intervention is key. Consult their doctor, find a therapist and talk to them about depression. Normalizing depression and other mental illnesses will help your family be more comfortable with talking about big and overwhelming feelings.

Check out my blog on what it feels like to be suicidal here.

If your child is in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Life line at 1-800-273-8255. To learn more about suicide in teens, visit this website.

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Suicide

Dak Prescott Speaks Out on Brother’s Suicide, Gets Lashed

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Just in case you missed it, Dak Prescott, quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys, did an interview with one of his brothers this week about the suicide of their other brother, Jace Prescott.

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I read the interview and I was so encouraged that Dak came forward and discussed not only suicide but also his battle with depression. This is not talked about enough, especially among male athletes. The stigma surrounding mental illness is very strong among males because of the misconception that men have to be “tough guys.”

I can’t say enough about Dak’s strength and mental toughness — his can be seen both on and off the field. There is no doubt that the interview, airing soon on In Depth with Graham Bensinger, will save lives and help others to speak out. This is especially poignant because it’s Suicide Prevention Awareness Month.

“Mental health is a huge issue and a real thing in our world right now, especially the world we live in where everything is viral and everyone is part of the media,” Dak said. “[You] can get on social media and be overcome with emotions and thoughts of other people and allow that to fill in their head when things aren’t necessarily true — whether it’s getting likes on Instagram or something being viewed or getting bullied or whatever it may be. All those things create emotions and put things in your head about yourself or your situation in life that aren’t true. I think it’s huge. I think it’s huge to talk. I think it’s huge to get help. And it saves lives.”

And it is huge. So imagine my disgust when I learned that a Fox Sports newscaster had blasted Dak yesterday.

“When it comes to the quarterback of an NFL team, you know this better than I do, it’s the ultimate leadership position in sports,” Skip Bayless said. “You are commanding an entire franchise. … But you’re commanding a lot of young men and some older men. And they’re all looking to you to be their CEO, to be in charge of the football team. Because of all that, I don’t have sympathy for him going public with ‘I got depressed. I suffered depression early in COVID to the point where I couldn’t even go workout.’ Look, he’s the quarterback of America’s Team.”

Sickening.

Skip Bayless should have sympathy. Dak is one of the most popular players in the NFL, who has never lost his focus despite his mother passing away and then his brother earlier this year. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S., with more than 48,000 people dying by suicide in 2008 (the most recent numbers). The suicide rate continues to climb and no doubt will shoot up while the effects of COVID are still being felt.

Skip Bayless should be ashamed of himself. Dak hasn’t lost focus because he has felt depression and suffered great losses, he has demonstrated courage, strength and he’s an example to the whole organization. He has stared the stigma of depression in the face and shown vulnerability. Not everybody can do that. But that’s who he is. He should be lauded for it, not condemned.

From what I can see, everybody has rallied behind Dak after Skip Bayless’ comments were reported. Fox Sports even apologized, which you can read below. Good job, Fox. There’s no room for hate and ignorance in this country, not anymore than there already is.

“At FOX Sports, we are proud of Dak Prescott for publicly revealing his struggle with depression and mental health,” the company said in a press release. “No matter the cause of the struggle, FOX Sports believes Dak showed tremendous courage which is evident in both his leadership on the Dallas Cowboys and in his character off the field. We do not agree with Skip Bayless’ opinion on Undisputed this morning. We have addressed the significance of this matter with Skip and how his insensitive comments were received by people internally at FOX Sports and our audience.”

It is my hope that we chip away at the stigma of depression and suicide. We do that by speaking about it. Silence only breeds more shame and nobody can heal in shame.

If you or a loved one is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please seek help immediately. Reach out to a trusted friend or family member. Contact the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or use the Crisis Text Line (text HOME to 741741.

You are no alone.

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Suicide

Rep. Todd Hunter Hosts Suicide Prevention Symposium

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb
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Rep. Todd Hunter

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day, which important for me. As I’ve previously written, I’ve been suicidal many, many times. I’ve been lucky enough to have a great support system and access to helpful resources. I’m alive because of that.

But others aren’t so lucky.

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention states that there are 132 suicides EVERY DAY. It’s the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S., with more than 48,000 dying in 2018 (the most recent numbers).

Again, this is a big deal. That’s why I was so pleased to be invited to Rep. Todd Hunter’s Suicide Prevention Symposium today, which was attended by experts in the mental health field, school administrators, as well as a number of students across the Coastal Bend who are passionate in ending suicides and educating the public about suicide’s devastating impact.

Data from the CDC’s National Center for Health Statistics says suicide was the second leading cause of death among young Americans aged 15 to 24. Between 2000 and 2007, the suicide rate among youth aged 10 to 24 was around 6.8 deaths per 100,000 people. Then the rate reached an alarming rate of 10.6 deaths per 100,000 by 2017 — a 56-percent increase in less than two decades.

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We have a huge problem on our hands. That’s why I was so heartened to observe this forum. The students involved were so knowledgable about suicide and were eager to learn how to help others who are struggling. When I was younger nobody talked about it and I didn’t know to speak up when I had suicidal or intrusive thoughts. I can’t help but think my mental health journey would be dramatically different, easier, in the past 20 years if early intervention was an option.

I’m so glad that Rep. Todd Hunter has made this a priority. He has started a task force dedicated to prevention awareness and introduced bills that are crucial to data collection, preventive services and strategies in preventing suicide. I’m in awe.

“It’s time to shine a light and make a difference, ” Rep. Hunter said. “We’re not stopping here. This is the beginning.”

The forum also featured a woman who lost her son to suicide. While it was heartbreaking to hear, her story will surely help others understand the gravity of suicide and lasting effects. The mental health experts also listed local resources that I had no idea existed.

It’s so hard being a teenager, especially right now, because COVID has disrupted our lives and left a lot of people isolated and away from their support system. That’s incredibly hard, even for adults. I’m glad this issue is being addressed; I know without a doubt Mr. Hunter’s and his staff’s efforts will save lives.

I’m immensely proud that these bills and education services are coming from the Coastal Bend.

Available Resources Around the Coastal Bend:

Antonio E. Garcia Arts & Education Center (Focused on invention in at-risk youth, connects families with community resources)
361-825-3600

TAMUCC Counseling Clinic
361-825-3988

Todd Hunter’s Office (if you have ideas on suicide prevention, mental illness legislation)
361-695-2048

Follow Stop Texas Suicides Now! on Twitter
@stop_TX_suicides

Nation-wide Resources

Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line
Text HOME to 741741

Please know there is help available. You are never alone.

To learn more about suicide prevention, please go here. Learn how to help and what the risk factors are to suicide.

Stay in the light, friends.

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Suicide

What It’s Like To Be Suicidal

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Trigger Warning: Suicide, Suicidal Ideation, Death by Suicide

Preface: I don’t pretend to know what others go through during a depressive episode or why someone would want to die by suicide. These are solely my opinions, based on my experiences.

This is not an easy topic, nor is it a comfortable one to discuss, but that’s why we need to talk about it. The stigma surrounding depression and suicide leaves people feeling they can’t talk about it, and the silence is deadly. And so heartbreaking.

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September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

I think about Kate Spade‘s and Robin William’s suicides from years ago, and while most everybody was shocked, I really wasn’t surprised. In my opinion, the people who work the hardest, the most passionate and genuine, are the ones who struggle the most. I know it was hard for people to understand and I’m sure very scary that two such successful people could lose a battle to a little-understood enemy, that they could leave their seemingly happy lives and family, but it happens every day. Depression is an invisible illness that can completely devastate you, yet so many stay quiet because society as a whole doesn’t seem to want to understand. (Read about the history behind the stigma of mental illness here.)

It’s obvious that depression is misunderstood. It’s hard for people to understand that someone can make jokes and be depressed. Or that a person can be suicidal yet appear fine, even fully functional. Depression sufferers are good at hiding pain. I hid mine for years because I felt judged and ashamed. I felt like I was weaker than everybody else but that was the stigma talking.

I don’t get it. Is it ignorance or is society so fragile that people can’t handle knowing others are suffering so much? It’s 2020 — shouln’t we be more evolved, more enlightened?

It doesn’t matter why the stigma is there, it needs to end. In 2018 (the latest stats I could find) there were more than 48,000 recorded suicides, according to the CDC’s National Center for Health Statistics. On average, the annual U.S. suicide rate increased 24-percent between 1999 and 2014, from 10.5 to 13.0 suicides per 100,000, the highest rate recorded in 28 years.

Those numbers are from two years ago and have increased, no doubt. I imagine they will significantly increase this year due to coronavirus and the resulting problems, such as increased number of depressed persons from job loss, trauma, health concerns, etc.

But I digress. I’ve been suicidal more times than I can count. I haven’t talked about it a lot, but I should, especially since it’s Suicide Prevention Awareness month. The only way to normalize depression and suicide is to talk about it and help educate, so here I go.

My mind goes to a time where I was staying at my parents’ house. My parents had taken my two young kids to their lake house. My husband (who was back in Corpus) and I had gotten into a fight, I don’t even remember what it was about, but I remember how alone I felt, so out of control. I had experienced bad postpartum depression a year before and it just lingered and worsened.

That night I was so sad, I could feel it in my bones. I was exhausted and it truly felt like I’d be unhappy forever. That argument sent me over the edge and all I could think about was I’d be better off dead, but I didn’t want to leave my babies. I didn’t want my mom to find me dead.

I ended up driving myself to the ER and was then sent to an acute behavioral hospital for two days.

Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. It’s painful to think about. I love my family more than anything and I don’t ever want to do anything to hurt them. Unfortunately, I’ll probably have more suicidal thoughts, but I don’t want to die. My brain is such a liar. Such a con artist, making me believe I’m not worth being alive. That my family doesn’t want me. It is my heart that saves me, helps me see through the bullshit. And that’s all it is, except it feels so real, and I completely understand how people could succumb to those big feelings and end their lives.

The people who die by suicide — they aren’t selfish, they were just sick and their illness just so happens to take over their brain. I think they just wanted to be free of the pain. Depression makes you hurt all over, and of course, the pain you feel mentally is pure anguish. It’s exhausting living with all that. I get it.

I feel like suicide could happen to anyone under the right circumstances. That’s why we need to eradicate the stigma and support those in need of mental health services.

Lives literally depend on it.

Risk Factors for Suicide Ideation and/or Attempts

  • Family history of suicide or child neglect
  • Previous suicide attempts
  • History of mental disorders, especially clinic depression
  • History of alcohol and substance abuse
  • Feelings of hopelessness
  • Isolation, a feeling of being cut off from other people
  • Physical illness
  • Barriers to accessing mental health treatment

Read more about risk factors on the CDC website.

Warning Signs of Suicidal Ideation and Behavior

  • Talking about wanting to die or kill themselves
  • Looking for a way to kill themselves (like researching how to buy a gun)
  • Talking about feeling hopeless or being in unbearable pain
  • Increasing the use of alcohol and drugs
  • Acting anxious or agitated
  • Withdrawing or isolating themselves
  • Extreme mood swings

Read more about warning signs and how you can help here.

If you or a loved one is struggling with suicidal ideation, please seek immediately. You can call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

There are better days ahead. Stay in the light, my friends.

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When The Bad Thoughts Win

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Trigger Warning: Suicide, Suicidal Ideation
Please note that this blog was written last week and I am no longer experiencing suicidal ideation.

I was told not to write this blog but I’ve always had trouble being compliant. You see, the past week has been extremely difficult. My depression became unexpectedly worse and I’ve been suicidal. Please know that I have a safety plan and am not a danger to myself or others.

Depression can leave you feeling suicidal, please seek help if that’s the case.

But I feel the need to describe this pain because I know others experience it but few talk about it. It’s too lonely, heavy and dangerous to keep to yourself, no matter how uncomfortable it makes others. Sharing and normalizing these feelings could be life saving, though.

Right now I’m exhausted. I feel completely empty but so full of anxiety, fear and sadness all at once. I just put down the kids and as I walked down the stairs I realized I’m not going to be distracted by them for the next few hours. There’s nothing but pain to feel now. I immediately thought, “What pill can I take to not feel this way?” But the answer is always nothing, no matter what meds you have.

Tomorrow I plan on getting another ECT treatment, the one a couple of weeks ago just didn’t take. I’ll take my meds as prescribed. I’ll go to therapy. I’ll do what I need to do, even though it feels so futile sometimes. I’m holding out for hope and I’m so fortunate to have the support and therapies in place to give me that hope. Some don’t ever find it. There are those who die by suicide, and I would never judge them for that. You can’t judge others for the choices they make when you don’t know the options they had to choose from. You might even think it’s the “easier choice” to let go but you would be wrong. Nothing about mental illness, especially depression, is easy.

This past week hasn’t just been a heaviness on my chest. It’s intrusive thoughts telling myself I’m not good enough. That my family doesn’t need me around to fuck them up. That I should literally kill myself and do everyone a favor. During depressive episodes, these thoughts, sometimes worse, are on repeat in my head. And it is so, so hard to say, “Stop!” You get to the point where you think, “Which voice is right??”

But I do know. I’ve been through enough to know that my lying ass brain is just that — a liar. If you are in that headspace where you don’t have the clarity to see what’s a lie and what’s the truth, seek outside counsel. Ask your friends, (maybe) your family, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline. No matter what crisis looms, you will be OK. It may hurt some more and get uncomfortable but that just means growth is coming. You are valuable and loved and needed on this Earth. I turned to my beloved mom’s group to hear this myself, and I’m so glad I did because their words helped me push through.

I can’t promise your pain will ever go away — mine hasn’t yet — but leaving this world before God calls you home will only bring pain to your loved ones. I’d like to hope all depression sufferers can tolerate the pain just long enough to find a support system, resources such as a good psychiatrist, therapist, medications and develop self-care practices. It’s also good to have a safety plan, in case you “come off the rails” and if that does happen, go easy on yourself.

Again, I’m not saying any of this is easy and I definitely don’t have all the answers. I probably won’t ever but maybe we need to ask ourself different questions…?

This shit is hard and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but it has made me stronger (sometimes annoyingly so). I have to let go of the fact that my brain isn’t “normal,” that I’ll have a life-long struggle with this disease and that sometimes I might feel like dying. That’s OK, because most of the time I want to live, and what a sweet life I lead.

I’ll leave you with something one of my mom friends said to me when I admitted I was suicidal. I hope it helps you as much as it did me.

“You are so loved. So valued. I know your heart hurts. I know your mind lies to you. Trust me when I say you are worthy, loved and freaking amazing. You are needed here.”

And I am. Thank you for everyone helping me out when I was so low.

If you or someone you know is struggling, please direct them to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their site here.

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