All the Versions of Me, Heather Loeb

There are many versions of me: depressed me, anxious me, on-the-ball me, manic me and happy me, just to name a few.

My moods and energy are always changing and sometimes volatile.

But there’s something bothering me: I now have to cope with actions the other Heathers have done. For instance, when I’m depressed or anxious, I have certain compulsions that (temporarily) make me feel better, such as overeating or shopping. I do these things knowing I’m not supposed to, but when I’m feeling blue I can’t — or don’t — always control it, which causes problems with my husband and is very unhealthy.

Right now, I’m on the ball Heather, and I wake up energized, exercise, brush my teeth (a big feat), make plans with friends, cook, etc. Basically, I do everything I don’t always have the mindset or energy to do. I like on-the-ball Heather. I wish she stuck around all the time, instead of a couple weeks. But I shouldn’t complain; it’s better than being depressed for sure.

So this week I’ve been worried about money — I’m (supposed to be) on a spending hiatus. I know I’ve blown my budget on my credit card (thanks, depressed Heather). And I started exercising this week — yay! — but I’m mad that I have all this extra weight caused by bingeing and eating junk. I first blamed the pandemic, but things are getting better now; there’s no need to stuff my face until I’m uncomfortably full. While we’re not out of the woods, the hardest part is over (I hope).

Even when I feel great, like right now, I still have these compulsions but it’s easier to fight them. I”m able to access logic and self-control which is hard to come by, but it’s a reminder that my depression and anxiety are always lurking. Eventually, I need to consolidate these versions of me, but right now I don’t know how to do that. For me depression and its comorbidities are going to be a life-long struggle. But that’s OK. I’m a faithful student of learning how to cope, and I will never give up the fight. And that’s exactly what it is — a battle where often I’m at a disadvantage to my brain and its misfiring neurons. That’s OK, too. I’ll get there. I’ll keep learning and working on my defensive skills.

I will win the war, if not the battles.

Thanks for reading. Stay in the light.

Like what you read? Catch my mental health column in the Corpus Christi Caller-Times and read my previous posts here.

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