I Miss Binge Eating

I felt it yesterday. The urge to binge. The need to have different foods tantalize my taste buds, however fleeting. I miss sampling multiple dishes, shutting my eyes while I savored the flavors and that feeling of being full and safe – but not too full – although I’d always get there. Always.

I don’t binge anymore. I take Zepbound, one of the weight loss shots, that helps me curb my binge eating disorder. I have lost weight on the shot – about 25 pounds – but that wasn’t my goal. I was desperate to stop the bingeing. So far, this is the only thing that has helped. Honestly I don’t care much about food while on the shot. It’s more about fuel for my body, not something pleasurable. And I’ve been fine with that.

Until yesterday.

I don’t know why, but yesterday I just missed food. I wanted to shove my face in a giant pizza, eat fried chicken and go to the Olive Garden to let loose. I wanted to eat more than a couple bites of something and not get totally full.

But why? I thought I was depriving myself too much, but then I heard myself say that “it’s easier to binge. It’s way easier to swallow food whole rather than sit with my feelings and figure out what’s bugging me.”

I rolled my eyes at myself.

I’m not sure all my binges have been about circumventing my feelings (I’d have to ask my therapist to be sure), but I’m betting most of them have. I think everyone can agree that eating a delicious bowl of pasta or a medium rare filet is better than figuring out why you feel uncomfortable and angry.

And I hate to tell you — even if you are on a weight loss drug — you will not lose weight if something’s eating you and you are eating everything in return.

Which means I have to figure out what’s going on, like now. Luckily, I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. But I need to start doing the hard work now. Honestly, I feel like everything is good. School is about to start, which means I can get back to my regular routine (I hate my summertime routine). Maybe I’m having anxiety about school starting and things getting busy? Things at NAMI are good. I’m getting to see my parents a lot lately and have another trip coming up. I just had my yearly physical, and I’m healthier than I’ve ever been. Maybe my kids’ birthday parties coming up are giving me anxiety? I always worry that nobody will show up. There’s always something, but I always deal with it, and it’s fine. So I’m not sure what’s going on.

What I do know is that I can’t go back to bingeing. Being healthy is amazing, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

There’s more work to do. I know that. But I will never, never, never, never ever thought I would be here.

And I’m never, never ever going back.

Screw a pizza and Olive Garden breadsticks.