anxiety attack

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Preface: A few weeks ago I fell into a depressive episode, the first since leaving The Menninger Clinic 5 years ago. During that 6-week stay, my medicine was changed, I did intensive therapy, took classes and started electroconvulsive therapy treatments. In the past couple of weeks, I’ve been irritable, fatigued, had a loss of appetite, had problems showering, been sleeping more, etc. A week ago I started a new medication that’s used off-label for treatment-resistant depression. It has been a very difficult time for me.

I’ve been on my new medication for about a week now. I’ve read that it can start working as soon as a week, but won’t be completely effective until about 6 – 8 weeks. But the past two days have been good, and I feel excited and hopeful about what may come.

Earlier this week was challenging. I had two commitments at NAMI that I thought I could handle but at last minute (day before) I panicked, had an anxiety attack and knew I couldn’t make it. I didn’t know what to do until it just came to me — “I should ask for help.” You might think that should be an automatic thought, but I had never asked my friends at NAMI to help like me like that. I’ve asked one or two for help, but never said I was flailing and needed help now.

So I asked.

Within minutes, my NAMI commitments were covered, and grateful tears streamed down my face. I received supporting and kind texts telling me to rest and take care of myself.

The next day one of the Leadership Team members came to do a “wellness check.” She’s a dear friend and gently told me we needed to get organized when it came to covering my future events and presentations. I told her my original plan was not to do those things and focus on what I could do at home. Meetings and presentations are very overwhelming to me right now, and I certainly wanted help with that. So we made a plan, and I felt so relieved. Before I would put meetings or presentations on my calendar, thinking I’d be okay by then, but then I’d have anxiety attacks when it came time to go. This would prevent us from scrambling the day before or day of and prevent a lot of stress.

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I talked to most of the Leadership Team, and everybody has been so supportive. They want me well in time to go to the big NAMI Texas Conference Nov. 7 to Nov. 10. That gives me about a month. I feel like I can handle that, and that will give my medicine more time to work.

Even though I’ve had a couple good days this week, I’m still struggling with fatigue and taking showers. I also got on the scale today just to check, not thinking there’d be a big change, and I’ve lost 6 pounds since this depressive episode started. I’ve noticed it has been harder to eat, but I didn’t realize it was that bad. My doctor told me to stop losing weight, but I’m thinking he’d be understanding with everything that’s going on (maybe). So now I have one more thing to worry about, but I guess it’s better than me binge eating.

In other, positive news, I’m not napping so much during the day, even on the weekends. I’m gearing up to start walking on the treadmill in the mornings. I bought new workout clothes and (read Isla) updated my playlist (all Taylor Swift). I feel optimistic about taking care of myself, but I don’t want too excited because I know fatigue and apathy can take over anytime. But I want to stay positive. If I can just get 20 minutes of walking in each day, that’ll help stifle the depression big time. Oh, and I plan on going outside for some sunshine, too.

I’m going to do everything I’m able to get better. I just gotta strike while the iron’s hot. And it’s warming up.

I start sweating.

My chest tightens, then relaxes briefly before tightening over and over.

My heart beats faster, and there are butterflies in my stomach.

Intrusive thoughts take center stage in my brain. I start telling myself elaborate, worst-case-scenario stories that defy logic.

My hands start to shake. When I stand up it feels like I have eaten in two days because I’m so lightheaded. I try to find somewhere quiet where I can be alone, but thats not always feasible. I try to hide from the kids, but there’s no hiding my swollen eyelids, blotchy cheeks and how hard it is to take a breath.

I try to quell the intrusive thoughts and stories, but rational thought is no match for my anxiety.

Tears brim my eyelids and threaten to fall.

I start to lose my breathe and with that I start to cry. Big sobs escape in between ragged breaths.

I have an even harder time breathing between sobs, and I swear my heart is pounding in my throat like a jackhammer.

It’s too late for an anxiety pill; I have to ride this out for now. I try to catch my breathe, but it seems impossible. I deep breathe like they say. I try grounding techniques, but I’m already past the point of no return.

Once I’ve sobbed uncontrollably for what feels like hours, I start my descent to rational (or as close as I can get) thoughts. I try a grounding technique now that I’m more calm. I search for five things I can see, four things I can feel, three things I can hear, two things I can smell and one thing I can taste. It sorta helps.

My heart keeps pounding in my chest. I still feel the chest tightness and butterflies, although they’re calming down.

I struggle to remember what triggered this attack, but sometimes I come up empty handed. It could be anything, but like I said, no amount of logic can stop an attack. My imagination, a vivid as it is, runs away from me, never with me.

I calm down further but have intense feelings of guilt or shame â€” shame that I may have inconvenienced someone during my attack. I start worrying that I’ll have another.

People don’t understand. They think I’m weak, that I can’t handle things. They don’t realize that this is part of my anxiety disorder, and I can’t control it any more than an epileptic can control a seizure. I can do everything right â€” take my medicine, avoid certain triggers, meditate, get enough sleep, etc. â€” but I could still have an attack any minute.

I am not alone in my struggles: Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults age 18 and older, or 18.1% of the population every year. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), people with an anxiety disorder are three to five times more likely to go to the doctor and six times more likely to be hospitalized for psychiatric disorders than those who do not suffer from anxiety disorders.

Anxiety disorders develop from a complex set of risk factors, including genetics, brain chemistry, personality and life events. Women are affected by the disorder more than men. It’s not uncommon for someone with an anxiety disorder to also suffer from depression or vice versa. Also, nearly one-half of those diagnosed with depression are also diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

Is what I described similar to what you experience during a panic attack? Feel free to describe yours in the comments.

Thanks for reading, and as always, stay in the light.

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Anatomy of an Anxiety Attack