Author

Heather Loeb

For decades I've struggled with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, avoidant personality disorder, dysthymia and an eating disorder. I pen my misadventures here, but you can also find my column in the Corpus Christi Caller-Times (caller.com). Thanks for reading and for your support.

Picking a Good Psychiatrist

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I briefly touched on this before but when I had postpartum and post-weaning depression, my then doctor was the wrong one to see. He said I couldn’t take Zoloft while I was breastfeeding (wrong) and had no suggestions when I was suffering post-weaning depression. I decided I would not see a man again. I didn’t mean this to be a sexist choice, just a personal preference. Obviously, this one doctor wasn’t up to date on current practices.

Even before postpartum care, he only saw me for about 15 minutes each time, which made me feel rushed and that he didn’t care. He had put me on a couple of different antidepressants, neither seemed to work, so he just kept me on them stating those were my only options and adding some anxiety and sleeping pills to the mix. So, I thought there were no other pills I could take. Wellbutrin XL and Zoloft were it for me. He didn’t even recommend therapy, which I was doing anyway.

Luckily I found a doctor that specialized in women’s mental health issues. Unfortunately, she’s in Southlake (Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex), so I travel up there once in a while to see her face-to-face and the rest of the time we have phone visits. She even has an email address that patients have access to.  I don’t ever feel rushed and our conversations are as long as I need them to be. I feel that she really listens.

I thought I’d offer some tips when looking for a new doc. So, when considering a psychiatrist, first ask for referrals from other doctors or friends first. It’s also imperative you do research online to view the doctors’ credentials, years of experience, what they specialize in and read reviews other patients have left. And, of course check if the doctors take your insurance. This goes for therapists, too.

And don’t be afraid to just try the doctors out. You don’t have to commit.. When it’s time for your visit, consider how they make you feel – are they listening, do you feel safe, are they rushing you, etc. This is an interview for them – not you. It’s a very personal decision and you have to be your own advocate.

Another important thing that falls on you is to be a good patient. Be honest with the doctor or therapist. If you’ve had trauma in your past, tell them. If you’ve abused certain meds, tell them. They need to know every medication you’ve taken and are taking. If you’re not honest with them, they can’t help you to the best of their ability.

Hope this helps.

1 comment
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

When I Hit Rock Bottom

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

About two years ago, I felt great. I was taking two HIIT (high intensity interval training) classes a week and when I wasn’t doing that I was training to run a 5K, a feat for me because I hate running. I felt so strong, so energetic and proud of myself. I was doing hard things, things I didn’t think I could do. I was a role model to my kids.

In June 2017 I ran the 5K. I was happy. A couple weeks later I started to feel bad. I wasn’t sick but I started to lose momentum with my workouts. Things that were once easy or doable became hard. Waking up in the morning was hard. I didn’t know what was going on. I knew I had depression but I was doing so well. It had been well over a year since I had Eli, it couldn’t be postpartum depression – I was over that.

I took whatever energy I could muster and put it toward the kids, which meant I suffered more. Showers seemed near impossible. I stopped working out. I just wasn’t myself.

In October, I hit rock bottom. I had suicidal thoughts. I was crying at every little thing. I felt anxious all the time and my marriage was suffering. Thankfully, my mother in law was helping with the kids.

During a school break, we took the kids up to my parents’ house. I had also made an appointment with a new psychiatrist who specialized in women’s mental health in Southlake. My then current pyschiatrist wasn’t cutting it. While my parents’ and the kids were at my parents’ lake house, my husband and I got into a huge fight and I just lost it. I was sobbing uncontrollably and suicidal. This next part is hard – I knew where some hydocodone was and I had a plan to take some but I didn’t want my mom to find my body. I called my best friend and she urged me to go to the ER.

I waiting for hours at the ER for them to transfer me to a psychiatric hospital. Around midnight, hours after I’d arrived, I was taken by ambulance to a psych ward at another hospital. I was there two and a half days. The psychiatrist there was a total dick. He wouldn’t release me until he “talked to my husband about my illness” and didn’t listen to anything I said. Because I had an appointment with the psychiatrist in Southlake, he ended up letting me go after talking to my husband of course.

When I met with Dr. Johnson, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. She diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder, PMDD, generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety. My old doctors just said I was depressed and never spent more than 15 minutes with me. Dr. Johnson spent more than an hour talking to me. She put me on medications I had never heard of, that my doctors never mentioned, and I left the office crying tears of happiness.

I did get better, I’m better than I was that awful October but I’m treatment resistant, so medication can only go so far for me. That’s why I try alternative treatments like TMS, ketamine infusions and soon the ketamine nasal spray. Right now, I’m definitely not suicidal but I have to struggle though days, some more than others.

If you’re suicidal, please go to the nearest ER or tell your doctor – any doctor. There is help and it does get better. You can also call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Someone is there 24 hours a day to help you.

Thanks for listening. This blog was a hard one to write.

 

4 comments
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

Oops

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Oh, hey. It’s been since September since I last blogged. My apologies. It’s been a hard few months since. First, I was busy with the holidays and since the beginning of the year I’ve been depressed and haven’t felt like talking despite everyone’s urging to do so.

That’s the thing about depression, even when you need to talk the most you feel like you just can’t do it. I can say that I’ve been going to therapy on a regular basis but my meds have stayed the same despite me feeling like crap. Because I’m treatment resistant, there’s really nowhere to go from here medicine wise. My psychiatrist has suggested ECT but I’m just not ready for that. Yet.

I have been getting ketamine infusions which helps with my moods. It doesn’t last very long but thankfully we have the money to get them. I don’t know what I would do if we couldn’t afford it. If you’re poor and have MDD, you’re screwed. My medicine alone costs hundreds of dollars. So wrong.

IMG_2079My therapist and I started Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Basically, you identify your negative behaviors and teach yourself positive behaviors. Seems like common sense but it’s really helpful when all you’ve been doing your whole life is practicing negative coping skills. So far, so good. I’m working in a workbook, which I would recommend to anyone.

I’m also going to try the new ketamine-based nasal spray, Spravato. It was approved by the FDA in March. The doc that did my TMS treatments called and wants me to be her first patient. You have to be in the office and monitored for two hours after receiving the spray and I think you go twice a week for six weeks at first. I hate stuff going up my nose so we’ll see how this goes down. Waiting on insurance to clear my first, of course. It’s always insurance.

That’s my update for now. I’ll try to be more consistent with everything and I’ll definitely keep you updated on the Spravato.

1 comment
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

TMS: Session 24

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

So it’s been awhile since I last updated my blog, my bad. I’ve also missed a couple of sessions of my TMS but am on session 24 and I’m feeling really good. It’s really helping – I have more energy, I no longer feel hopeless or depressed all day, and little chores that seemed impossible no longer do. I have 11 sessions of TMS to go.

I can’t wait to finish up in October, I should be feeling way better by then.

In other news, I stopped taking the Trintellix because it was just too expensive and went back to Zoloft. I haven’t noticed any changes – if anything, I’m doing better but it’s hard to tell because the TMS is so effective now.

I know this a short update but I don’t really have anything to report other than I’m doing great. Thanks for reading!

0 comment
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

The Impossible Task

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Recently I saw a Tweet talking about depression commercials and how they don’t mention how hard it is to do certain things – Impossible Tasks. This really hit me hard because when I’m very depressed there are chores and very easy tasks that I need to get done that seem impossible. Like, I might die if I have to do it. And not a lot of people understand it.

For instance, when I’m really down showering seems so hard. It seems insurmountable to get in the shower, wash my hair, then get out of the shower and do my hair. And shave my legs. Kinda gross, right? I don’t go long periods without showering but I dread when I have to do it. This is my impossible task.

Why does it seem so hard? I have no idea. But I’m thinking that everyone with depression has at least one task like that.

My husband and best friend don’t understand. It can take less than 20 minutes to shower. They ask, “why don’t you just get it over with?” But still, it’s not that easy. Even brushing my teeth seems hard sometimes. I swear I’m not disgusting or smelly, I’m just keeping it real. 

But going back to what the Tweet was talking about – they don’t mention things like that on the commercials. They talk about sadness and losing interest in things you used to enjoy, which does happen, but I feel the commercials miss a mark when they don’t talk about the other stuff: anxiety attacks, social anxiety, not wanting to leave the house, lying in bed for days, etc. I guess they only have so much time for the ad, but I think it adds to others’ perception that depression is “just sadness” or losing interest in things or being lazy. That doesn’t sound so bad, but there are dozens of symptoms that come along with depression, especially treatment resistant depression and major depressive disorder.

I’d really like to know your Impossible Tasks. Leave a comment and we can chat.

Thanks for reading.

2 comments
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

The Other Side

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I have a new respect for my husband. And any other partner of someone who has depression and anxiety. I’ve realized these past few months – a year, maybe – couldn’t have been easy for husband. I’ve gone from almost manic happy to severely depressed and hospitalized; I’ve told him I don’t feel well almost everyday; and he’s the one who helps me when my anxiety attacks come, which they do often. It’s got to be hard on the other side. We might not be suffering the same way but I imagine it’s a struggle to see his other half down and out.

DSC01340He’s so patient and sympathetic. I truly picked a good one. But it’s not always perfect, sometimes we fight about my depression. Sometimes it’s too much for him to bear all the responsibility while his wife can barely get in the shower and brush her teeth. That’s an accomplishment some days. Who else is with me?

So, I’m wondering…does every married couple or relationship suffer if one has depression/anxiety? Tell me, friends.

On another note, Rosh Hashanah begins tonight. For those who don’t know, Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year. It’s a chance to start over, reflect over the past year and then prepare to apologize to those who you have wronged (Yom Kippur).  I of course plan on apologizing to my husband but I owe myself a big apology too. I haven’t taken care of myself, I’ve put others’ needs in front of mine (kinda hard not to do when you have kids) and I haven’t shown up for myself. I break promises to myself all the time. But now I’d like to change all that.

I sometimes rely way too much on my meds and therapy to slough through my depression and that’s fine but I want to make an effort, when I can, to really meet all my needs, stop talking negatively to myself and practice self care. I know that will help immensely in my marriage. After all, you can’t pour from an empty cup. I want to be better for me and my family and I believe self care is the first step to that goal.

So, here’s to the new year. L’shana tov, friends.

Update on TMS: I’ve had 14 treatments and I’ve started to notice little things that are better. Around the 20th treatment is when I’m supposed to notice major changes and I’m looking forward to that.

0 comment
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

Body Back

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Today is the first day I’m doing Body Back, a Fit4Mom HIIT class that is intense, hard and invigorating once you’re finished. It really transforms you – physically and mentally. I’ve done Body Back before and I lost 6inches and 9 pounds. It’s no joke. But I’m scared to go today. I’ve gotten so use to my unhealthy lifestyle that I’ve been really comfortable and I know I’m about to be VERY uncomfortable. I need that. I need to get uncomfortable and start living a healthy lifestyle. No more overeating, downing Diet Coke every hour and being sedentary, My husband has lost 70 pounds and I’ve gained almost 10. More importantly, I need to show my kids how to be healthy and I need to be around to watch them grow up and be there for my husband.

I’m also scared because this session will be different than any of the other sessions and I hate change, lol. You see how badly I need to do this.

When I made a list of hard things I’ve ever done (to prove to myself how strong and mentally tough I am) Body Back was definitely on the list. You’re not just working out, you’re pushing through mental blocks and challenging your body to go harder, faster, better, stronger. Once you get through the class though, you get about 15 minutes to meditate and reflect on what you’ve accomplished and it feels so good.

I just need to remember that I’ve done this before. I’ve run a 5K. I’ve given birth to two large babies. I’ve fought depression and suicidal thoughts for years and haven’t given up. I’ve done some hard things.

So I can do this, right? I guess I don’t really have a choice. I have to start living a healthy lifestyle.

So, here’s to burpees, squats and sweat.

0 comment
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

Migrainepalooza

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Remember when I said my migraines were nearly non-existent a couple of blogs ago? Well, this week they came back with a vengeance. Usually I would go get a ketamine infusion, which keeps them at bay, but guess what? The ketamine clinic here – the only one in town – has closed. The closest clinic is two hours away.

person people woman hand

Photo by Public Domain Pictures on Pexels.com

Now what exacerbates my migraines is really anything but since I’m doing TMS and it feels like a woodpecker pecking the shit out of my head, it tends to make things worse. Good times.

This week I had to go to my neurologist for two injections. When my migraines get very bad and my abortive meds aren’t working I go to my doc and he gives me an injection of Nubain and some nausea meds. It worked for a little bit Tuesday but then the migraine was back in full force Thursday. I also had a less intense one on Friday but didn’t end up going back to the doc.

During the week I missed a board meeting, play date, didn’t get any chores done, barely saw my kids because they were either at after care at school or with my mother-in-law. And of course that all depressed me because 1. I felt like crap and 2. I felt useless because all I could do was lie down and take a massive amount of drugs that didn’t help.

My husband, who has picked up the slack for me this week, has decided to drive me to San Antonio for a ketamine infusion. Maybe he realized my job was too hard on top of his because I suggested getting an infusion before I started TMS to avoid this whole situation. Men, they never listen.

Last week I also talked about how good I was feeling and then I went a little downhill but with migraines three to four days a week it cant help but depress you. Chronic pain will do that to you, like I discussed in this blog.

I’ve now completed 10 TMS treatments and they say you’re supposed to feel a real difference by treatment 14 or so. I’m really hoping the ketamine will help my migraines, the TMS will start working better and then I can get my ass in gear. I do have two 5Ks coming up in the next four months and I haven’t exactly been running, unless it’s to the fridge for a Diet Coke (I needed the caffeine this week)….which I’m supposed to quit.

I’ll blog after my ketamine treatment and give an update on my TMS treatments next week. Wish my luck.

For more information on ketamine for chronic pain, go here.

1 comment
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

Whomp, whomp

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Once again, my brain is playing tricks on me. Last week I was flying high, going to the gym to run and eating healthy. These past two days I’ve felt myself going down the drain and it’s so frustrating because I haven’t done anything differently. I’ve been surrounding myself with positivity but now even that is hard to conjure up. The TMS technician did warn me that it’s a emotional roller coaster at first but I just wasn’t expecting such extreme mood changes. My anxiety is higher than it has been in weeks.

adult art conceptual dark

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Tomorrow I plan on eating a healthy breakfast, heading to the gym and continuing eating healthy throughout the day but there are knots in my stomach and fear that that won’t be the case tomorrow. And it’s already making me feel guilty. I’ve been reading all about showing up for yourself – not missing a workout or blowing your “diet” – and how it’s about integrity. Now I don’t feel like I have any integrity, which makes me feel even worse.

I’ve even regretting signing up for a 5K in November. I feel like I should’ve gone to the gym more last week, I should have run longer and farther. I’m scared that my depression will keep me from running more this week and then comes the guilt and fear again.

I know I’m in control. I know if I want to go to the gym tomorrow, I can go but there’s also that part of me that just wants to crawl in bed and ignore the world. I didn’t feel that way last week. I also know it’s all about getting uncomfortable and breaking habits but I’m just not sure I can be positive when all my brain is telling me is negative.

Stupid, asshole brain. It’s never easy with my brain.

Hopefully, it’ll get better as I’m approaching my 8th treatment and you’re supposed to feel better in about two weeks. I hope so. I really felt great last week.

It’s like being two different people at all times and that’s exhausting. Truly exhausting.

I feel weak, sad and worthless now. All I can do is pray for help and try to keep positive – fight all the horrible things my brain is saying and making me feel.

Here’s to tomorrow.

0 comment
0 FacebookPinterestEmail

Feeling good

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Today I went to the gym and ran a mile. Without stopping, dying or talking myself out of it. While that might not seem like a big milestone to some, it’s huge for me. I haven’t run since last year – I ran a 5K in June then begged off and probably haven’t run a mile since December. It’s usually hell getting back on track but today was doable. It’s a lot easier running with smaller boobs (compliments of a reduction in March).0

It’s also a big deal because I actually went to the gym. I actually have energy right now. Dare I say that I’m feeling good? Well, I am. I thought it might be the TMS treatments but the technician said it was probably a coincidence – you’re not supposed to feel better until week 2 or 3 – but we all know how special my brain is. Maybe it’s cooperating this time. It owes me.

I’m also feeling better because I’ve been listening to podcasts and reading a book, Girl Wash Your Face, which has led to some realizations:  Mainly that I speak to myself in a mean, awful way and that I hardly ever say nice things to myself. The book and podcasts have helped me see that and I think it’s made a huge difference. I’ve told myself that I’m stupid, failing as a mom, a loser, an idiot and useless. I would NEVER talk that way to a friend, no matter what. What a terrible way to cope with negative feelings. I’m also eating healthier and not quitting just because I screwed up (eating half a pizza). I take one meal at a time and realize that I have to keep going.

Another thing I’ve been practicing is not to let negativity dominate my day. I still have negative emotions but I’m able to process them, dispute what I’m saying or feeling and let it go. It’s hard to do and I haven’t mastered it yet but I can already see a difference.

Long story short, I feel good and I really hope it stays this way.

What about y’all? How do you speak to and feel about yourself? Does it make a difference in your day?

 

 

 

0 comment
0 FacebookPinterestEmail
Newer Posts
Older Posts