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Mental Health

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10 Ways to Help Someone with Depression

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

It can be challenging and frustrating having a loved one with major depression. You want to help them but are unsure how. Or maybe they tell you they don’t need help.

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I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for two decades, and it’s still hard communicating my needs and what’s going on in my head. Sometimes the pain is so bad and my thoughts are so dark, I don’t want to share or I can’t find the words to accurately describe what I’m feeling. Not being able to do is a source of frustration for my husband, but he’s patient and never makes me feel bad about going through a depressive episode.

Patience is key. You should never try to shame your depressed loved one about what they’re going through or make them feel bad in any way — believe me, if they’re anything like me, they’re feeling enough guilt and like they’re a burden.

Those feelings can actually intensify their depression.

It’s hard navigating such a complex disease, so I’ve listed 10 ways to help someone with depression below:

  1. Read and learn — Educate yourself by visiting the National Alliance on Mental Illness website and the National Institute of Mental Health website
  2. Reject harmful stereotypes — Stereotypes fuel the stigma surrounding mental illness. Thoughts like “She’s lazy, she’s weak, she needs to just ‘Snap out of it,’ and that depression is ‘just sadness'” need to be eliminated. It’s hurtful and just makes people who suffer with depression feel worse.
  3. Check in with them often — When I get depressed, I tend to hide out in my house, but that’s not always good, especially now with coronavirus. I’m already isolated and going without contact from my friends makes me feel more alone and depressed.
  4. Encourage self care — In my opinion, practicing self care is the best thing one can do when they are depressed (aside from talking medications and going to therapy). I like to exercise, get massages, write and read books to feel better.
  5. Encourage therapy on a consistent schedule — Therapy can help people sort through their feelings and make healthier life choices. Talking about what’s going on just makes me feel better. I go weekly to see my therapist. My therapist isn’t cheap, but there are free or affordable resources available in my community (like at the college). Please check out what resources are available to you.
  6. Remind your loved one it get’s better and that they won’t always feel that way — It’s hard to realize that you won’t always feel so badly and life is so hard. I think it’s OK for someone to remind their loved one that all feelings are temporary.
  7. Listen — Sometimes we just need to vent (without any judgement).
  8. Be patient — Dealing with depression is frustrating for all, but one of the best things you can do is just be patient.
  9. Know that you can’t “fix” them — Depression is a completely treatable disease, but it is not curable. Unfortunately, most people with major depression will fight it for the rest of their lives.
  10. Know the signs and symptoms of suicidal ideation — If you think a friend is struggling with suicidal thoughts, you need to be direct and ask them things like, “Are you suicidal? Do you have a plan? Is there a gun in your home?” We can’t tiptoe around this subject; it may be uncomfortable to talk about, but it could save lives, too. Read about warning signs of suicide here. If your loved one is suicidal, do NOT leave them alone. Take them to the nearest emergency room. The doctors/nurses will assess the situation and your loved one will likely be transferred to an acute behavioral facility that can help. That’s my experience, anyway.

Helpful Things to Say:

  1. You’re not alone
  2. It gets better
  3. How can I help?
  4. You’re important to me
  5. I’m glad you’re in my life
  6. How can I support you right now?
  7. It’s OK to feel that way
  8. Your feelings are valid

Things to Avoid Saying:

  1. “Get over it, buck up or snap out of it” — People with depression can’t just “snap out of it.” Depression affects them both physically and mentally. Even the smallest of tasks are daunting, and sometimes, not possible. Aside from fatigue, people can have physical symptoms like joint pain, stomachaches, back pain and pure exhaustion. It takes a lot of work to manage depression, so expecting someone to come out of a depressive episode at the snap of your fingers doesn’t help anyone.
  2. “It’s all in your head” — Again, depression is a real disease, as real as any other. People experience mental and physical symptoms and telling someone it’s not real makes them feel bad and can sink them further into the hole of depression.
  3. “What do you have to be depressed about” — I hate this one. I live a great life; I’m very fortunate. I’ve always had everything I needed, but I also have this awful disease I have to contend with. It doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for what I have and my life in general. I can’t control feeling depressed any more than someone can control having a heart attack.

I hope this helps. It has certainly helped my loved ones help me.

Stay in the light, friends.

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In a Nutshell: My Week in Review

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb
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The past couple days have been hard. I’ve been extremely fatigued, irritable and I’ve fallen back on some unhealthy coping skills, such as binge eating. I don’t know why, but I’m just exhausted. It hurts to move.

Tomorrow I get another ECT, so maybe it’ll reset my brain and I’ll get back on track. Things were going well up until a couple days ago. I have a lot to look forward to.

We leave for San Antonio in just an hour. We’re staying the night in a hotel so we can get to the hospital bright and early. I know they help, but I really don’t like ECTs. Not a fun time for me.

Please think good thoughts and send light my way.

Here’s to next week. Hoping y’all have a good one, too.

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Suicide

6 Myths About Suicide

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb
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Suicide is widely misunderstood, which makes sense because it’s considered a taboo subject in most every culture and just isn’t talked about enough. I get why some people don’t want to talk about it, but suicide rates are increasing in the U.S. I believe they will increase even more now that we’re dealing with a pandemic.

There will be lasting effects of coronavirus, and it’s undoubtedly going to wreak havoc on mental health in this country, not to mention, the rest of the world.

If we could normalize talk of suicide, I truly believe we could save lives, even – and especially – during times of crisis.   

It’s important to note that suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S., so this isn’t an uncommon problem.

Below you’ll find some of the most common myths relating to suicide.

  1. You shouldn’t bring it up – Don’t be afraid to broach the subject with someone who may have suicidal thoughts. Experts agree that by bringing it up, you’re not making it worse or giving anyone ideas. When you start the conversation, you are allowing someone to vent, and maybe by talking openly with you, your loved one might feel less overwhelmed by their feelings. And as I mentioned earlier, the more we talk about suicide, the more we reduce its stigma.
  2. Someone who’s suicidal truly wants to die – I speak from personal experience when I say this: when I have been suicidal, and there have been many instances, and experiencing suicidal thoughts, I’m doing so because I am overwhelmed with pain and just want it to stop. I don’t necessarily want to die, but when you’re in that much pain, all you can think about is it stopping. It’s understandable to me why people do die by suicide because of that.
  3. Someone who doesn’t have depression won’t die by suicide – While depression does increase the likelihood of dying by suicide, it does not need to be present in a loved one for them to be suicidal. Financial and work stress can contribute to someone feeling suicidal. Drug and alcohol substance and/or abuse also can contribute.
  4. Someone who is suicidal or who has attempted suicide is seeking attention or being dramatic – This is a dangerous assumption. Please treat every threat of suicide as a dire crisis, because it is. Even if you think they’re “being dramatic,” it’s easier to take a friend to the emergency room than a morgue. Anyone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts should be considered as in crisis mode and you should act appropriately. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or use text the Crisis Text line by texting HOME to 741741.
  5. Giving someone a crisis hotline phone number is enough – While I have found the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline to be extremely helpful in my times of crisis, sometimes it’s better to talk face-to-face with a friend or take your loved one to the hospital to ensure they are safe. Help your loved one come up with a Safety Plan, a simple guide of who to call and coping skills to use if in crisis. View an example of a safety plan here.
  6. People who die by suicide are selfish or taking the “easy way out” – I hate when I hear this. There’s nothing easy about being mentally ill or having suicidal thoughts. You don’t choose to have them, and all you want is to stop them. That’s not easy or selfish. Be compassionate and realize that if someone is seriously thinking about ending their life, it must be for good reason. Be a friend and leave judgement at the door.  

The best thing you can do as a friend is research ways to help your loved one, refrain from using judgement, sit with them if they are suicidal and take them to the hospital if they are in immediate danger of hurting themselves. DO NOT leave them alone, even if they ask you to leave. Stay with them to keep them safe.

Don’t be afraid to be direct and ask things, such as “Are you suicidal? Do you have a plan? Have you attempted before? Do you have a gun in your house?” and more. It might be uncomfortable, but it’s the best way to help.

Again, I just want to mention that there’s a 24-hour hotline, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline that you can call at 1-800-273-8255. And the Crisis Text Line, just text HOME to 741741.

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10 Common Depression Symptoms

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if you have depression. With me, it was fairly obvious by my anxiety, foul mood and persistent crying. But symptoms of depression can mimic other illnesses, too. You should always consult your doctor if you have questions or think you are experiencing any mental illness symptoms. It’s always a good idea to get a full work up, so you can rule out other illness, but like I said, sometimes it’s obvious.

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Here are 10 common depression symptoms (from the National Institute of Mental Health):

  1. Persistent sad, anxious or “empty” mood
  2. Feelings of hopelessness – This was a big one for me. No matter if something good happened to me, I’d always feel like it wasn’t good enough. That I would feel that way forever. I’m happy to say that it does get better, but to be honest, sometimes it can be a awhile for your doctor to figure out what works for you. Just don’t give up
  3. Feelings of extreme guilt and worthlessness – This also is a big one. I feel incredibly guilty about everything, even to this day. I would start worrying that the lunch I packed for the kids wasn’t good enough and that meant I was a bad mom. Or I’d feel guilty if I took a nap, even if it was restorative. I hate feeling guilt all the time but it has gotten better
  4. Loss of interest/pleasure in hobbies or activities that were once enjoyable – I noticed this right off the bat. I stopped reading, and I LOVE to read. I also notice that when I’m going through a depressive episode* I don’t sing as much. I love to sing. It makes me happy, so my family knows to worry when I’m not singing all hours of the day. A lot of people who suffer from depression experience decreased interest in sex
  5. Decreased energy/fatigue – This one’s hard to deal with. There are times that I feel it physically impossible to get out of bed or that my limbs weigh 100 pounds each. Even when my to-do list wasn’t lengthy, I couldn’t do most of it
  6. Restlessness/irritability – I don’t feel like I’m restless when I’m going through an episode, but I am extremely irritable. Little things set me off and get me flustered. I have a short fuse with the kids and even sounds — like loud or repetitive noises — drive me up a wall
  7. Sleep disturbances – People with depression either sleep too much or not enough. For me, I would sleep too much — about 8 to 10 hours a night and maybe a nap during the day. A lot of the time I’d go to bed early only because I couldn’t stand being awake to feel any more than I was feeling
  8. Appetite changes – This is very common. Some people notice a decreased appetite, however; I would always gain a bit of weight (mostly because I have Binge Eating Disorder, too)
  9. Suicidal Ideation or attempts – I can’t stress this enough — if you are having suicidal thoughts and have a plan to kill yourself, please seek help immediately. Reach out to a trusted friend or family member. Contact the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or use the Crisis Text Line (text HOME to 741741)
  10. Difficulty concentrating, having trouble remembering or making decisions – It can be very hard for some to remember things and it might take you a long time to make a decision. I don’t have too much experience with these (except memory problems caused by ECT)

Less Common Symptoms of Depression

  1. Physical pain that can’t be explained – This can include back aches, stomachaches and headaches
  2. You drink more alcohol than usual – I don’t drink but this makes sense. Sometimes you don’t want to feel anything, so you turn to alcohol or drugs to make you feel better. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t make you feel better. If it does, it’s only temporary
  3. Moving of talking more slowly – Depression has quite an effect on the brain. It literally slows your brain and body down, so other people may notice you speaking or moving more slowly than usual
  4. Digestive problems without clear physical cause – This goes along with physical pain mentioned above. Studies show that depression can cause an inflamed digestive system. I know that when I’m having a lot of anxiety, my stomach starts hurting and the more I worry, the worse it gets. Read more about how depression affects your stomach here
  5. Angry outbursts – This seems like it would be a common symptom, maybe because I experience it so much, but as I mentioned earlier, I have such a short fuse at times and I snap at my husband and kids. I think my parents would agree that I’ve been experiencing this symptom since I was a teenager

*A depressive episode is when you experience symptoms of depression lasting at least two weeks. Read more about that here.

Again, always consult your doctor if you’re experiencing symptoms of depression. To learn more about depression, visit the National Institute of Mental Health.

If you are struggling with suicidal ideation, please reach out to a friend or contact the helplines listed above.

Stay in the light.

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Mental Health After Pregnancy Loss

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

TW: stillbirth and miscarriage, depression

Edit: After this blog was published, it was confirmed that Chrissy suffered a miscarriage, not a stillbirth. Just wanted to clarify.

Last week, Chrissy Teigan and John Legend announced the heartbreaking news that they’d suffered pregnancy loss with their third baby who they named Jack. Just devastating.

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Chrissy has shared before that the couple has had fertility issues as well as miscarriages, and unfortunately, this loss came after she was hospitalized for bleeding. She was around 20 weeks along.

I’m not going to pretend to know what it’s like to lose a baby, especially after all the loss they’ve already endured. But I imagine it’s unbelievable pain to say the very least.

Chrissy isn’t alone in experiencing pregnancy loss. The CDC reports that about 1 pregnancy in 100 at 20 weeks of pregnancy and later is affected by stillbirth, and each year about 24,000 babies are still born in the U.S. I’m not sure exactly how far along Chrissy was, but it sounds like baby Jack was considered stillborn. Anything before 20 weeks is a miscarriage.

The March of Dimes report that about 10 to 15 in 100 pregnancies (10 to 15 percent) end in miscarriage

My worry for moms like Chrissy is the increased risk of depression following the loss (women who have miscarriages also face a risk for depression). According to the MGH Center for Women’s Mental Health, depression is more common in women who have a stillbirth (14.8 percent) compared to women who delivered a healthy baby (8.3 percent). Women with an established diagnosis of depression don’t see a major increase.

It seems cruel that women have to deal with such an awful disease following such tragedy. It’s even more cruel when women have to deal with the stigma associated with pregnancy loss. Often, women are encouraged not to share their story and loss, which can lead to isolation and intensity in depression symptoms. It’s especially harmful if the stigma is being perpetuating by their family and friends — then there’s just no outlet for their grief.

That’s why I’m glad Chrissy and John are speaking out about their experience. There’s no logical reason to keep quiet about something so life-changing — something that happens to A LOT of people. I praise them in what they’re doing to help normalize pregnancy loss and miscarriage. Maybe it will encourage others to share their own grief.

I hope and pray for Chrissy and John’s entire family. I pray for everyone who has had to go through this gut-wrenching tragedy.

If you have experienced a miscarriage or pregnancy loss, please visit the Share website, a site dedicated to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support.

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please contact your doctor or call the 24-hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Here are depression symptoms to look for following a miscarriage or stillbirth:

  • feeling sad, empty, or hopeless
  • being irritable or frustrated
  • losing interest or enjoyment in most or all regular activities
  • feeling unusually tired and having a lack of energy
  • sleeping too little or too much
  • eating too little or too much
  • feeling anxious, restless, or distressed
  • feeling worthless or guilty
  • having difficulty focusing, remembering things, and making decisions
  • thoughts of death or suicide
  • making suicide attempts
  • having random aches and pains that don’t go away, even after treatment

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Suicide

Teen Suicide On The Rise

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

To say that everyone in the U.S. — around the world, too — has struggled mentally since the pandemic begin is an understatement. The only thing “normal” happening now is that people are feeling anxiety and stress during all the uncertainty in the world.

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What’s not normal is the alarming increase of suicides among teens.

Dealing with everything going on is very difficult for adults, but it’s even harder for teens because they’re a much more vulnerable population. Can you imagine yourself as a teen again, trying to navigate through coronavirus, school, hormonal changes and more?

The CDC reports that suicide rates among 10 to 24 year olds have increased 57.4 percent from 2007 to 2018. That’s insane. Between 2007 to 2009 and 2016 to 2018, suicide rates increased significantly in 42 states. Significant increases ranged from 21.7 percent in Maryland to more than doubling in New Hampshire. In 2016 to 2018, suicide rates for persons aged 10 to 24 were highest in Alaska, while some of the lowest rates in the country were among states in the Northwest. Suicide is now the third-leading cause of death among 15 to 24 year olds.

My best friend, a pharmacist at Cook Children’s Hospital in Fort Worth, sent me data showing that the hospital has seen 192 kids admitted for attempting suicide in 2020. Compare that to the same time period in 2015 when the hospital saw 88 patients — less than half of the current statistics.

These numbers show that suicide among teens is a pandemic on its own.

In an article on the hospital’s newsroom website,  Dr. Kia Carter, the medical director of psychiatry at Cook Children’s Medical Center, the vast majority of patients treated for self harm are girls, between the ages of 13 and 15. She also said she’s seen patients in her unit as young as 4 years talking about wanting to die.

I thought the quote below was especially insightful, in terms of kids thinking about killing themselves.

“We’ve seen a huge increase with younger kids knowing what death is because of video games,” said Dr. Carter. “We have to assess their cognitive level and find out if they know what death means or do they think it’s like the video game where they die, but get a backup player.”

Dr. Carter also acknowledged that social media plays a role in the mental health of children in teens. For example, they can be bullied online, or feel like they’re not good enough when comparing themselves to others on sites, such as Instagram. She said that a lot of kids are getting ideas on how to kill themselves or harm themselves online.

Dr. Carter went on to say that some teens research how many pills to take in order not to wake up.

Some kids — about 30 percent — were diagnosed as having gender dysphoria, which can spur feelings of depression and hopelessness in children and teens because of the discomfort and stress these kids face. Not to the mention bullying that the kids can face.

According to the Mayo Clinic, most kids with depression have a mental disorder, and because of that, have trouble coping with the stress of being a teen. Things like rejection, failure, breakups and family turmoil are some examples of what they might be dealing with. The Mayo Clinic also states that teens might also be unable to see that they can turn their lives around and that suicide is a permanent response to a temporary problem.

Risk factors for teen suicide include:

  • Having depression or another psychiatric disorder
  • Loss of or conflict with close friends/family members
  • History of physical or sexual abuse
  • Exposure to violence
  • Being the victim of bullying
  • Being adopted
  • Family history of mood disorder or suicidal behavior

Warning signs that a teen might be suicidal include:

  • Talking or writing about suicide
  • Withdrawing from social contact
  • Having mood swings
  • Increasing use of alcohol or drugs
  • Changing normal routine, including eating and sleeping patterns
  • Doing risk or self-destructive things
  • Developing personality changes or being severely anxious or agitated when experiencing the warning signs above

It’s important to note that some children and teens do not show any warning signs before attempting or dying by suicide. My best friend, the pharmacist, told me a story about one of her neighbors killing himself. He was only 13 years old, and according to the family, was a happy, healthy kid. But one day he took his life for reasons unknown. Sadly, this is not uncommon.

It’s also important to know that a lot of the the times, attempting suicide is an impulsive act, so they might not have considered reaching out for help.

There are also instances of kids reaching out to their parents, but the parents don’t seek help because they feel that antidepressants are dangerous for their kids to take. What’s dangerous is to allow misinformation to cloud their judgement and not rely on experts. Not believing psychiatric drugs are helpful is part of the stigma, too.

A common problem that kids/teens face is that if a 12-year-old, for example, needs psychiatric help, they sometimes slip through the cracks because they’re too old for pediatric psychiatry help but too young for adult psychiatry. Because of this, it’s important to do all the research you can and to find a good doctor who has an understanding of major depression in teens. You must be an advocate for your child, because they don’t know how to navigate such complex problems.

I don’t mean to scare anybody reading this, but it’s a huge (and overwhelmingly sad) problem that we must take care of.

I urge you to talk to your children about having feelings of hopelessness and help them learn coping skills to deal with the everything that goes along with being teen. This is especially important now because of coronavirus. Everything has changed, including their routines and being able to hang out with friends.

If you see that your child is struggling, please seek help. Early intervention is key. Consult their doctor, find a therapist and talk to them about depression. Normalizing depression and other mental illnesses will help your family be more comfortable with talking about big and overwhelming feelings.

Check out my blog on what it feels like to be suicidal here.

If your child is in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Life line at 1-800-273-8255. To learn more about suicide in teens, visit this website.

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Verbal Abuse

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I think everybody has come across verbal abuse at least once in their life, or maybe that’s just me. Either way, it’s not normal and shouldn’t be tolerated. I realize sometimes that’s easier said than done.

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Sometimes a family member is dishing it out, a best friend or significant other. If you’re anything like me, you might have trouble enforcing your boundaries when you try to shut it down. That’s normal, I think, but if you are experiencing any type of abuse, I urge you to reach out to a trusted friend or family member who can help you. Or to a domestic abuse hotline.

I’m not an expert on trauma, but I do know any type of abuse can do real damage to your psyche and sometimes, after repeatedly being abused, you don’t even realize it. And maybe start to believe some of what you hear.

Psychology Today says abusers feel more powerful when they put down the victim and that there are 15 common types of verbal abuse.

The different types of abuse, which can be subtle or obvious, include:

  1. Withholding — This is when someone purposely withholds information and there’s a failure to share thoughts and feelings, refusing to engage with his or her partner.
  2. Countering — This is a tendency to be argumentative in all contexts. For example, the victim might share positive feelings about a movie she saw, and the abuser may attempt to convince her that her feelings are wrong or might dismiss them all together.
  3. Discounting — This is an attempt to deny that the victim has any right to his or her thoughts or feelings. For example, the abuser might tell the victim regularly she is too sensitive, too childish or is making a big deal out of nothing.
  4. Verbal abuse disguised as jokes
  5. Blocking and diverting — Keeping the victim from talking about certain things and may say things like she is complaining too much or talking out of turn.
  6. Accusing and blaming — Where the abuser accuses the victim of things outside of his or her control. For example, accusing a partner of preventing them from getting a promotion because she is overweight.
  7. Judging and criticizing — This is where the abuser uses “you statements” that criticize, such as “You are never satisfied” or “Nobody likes you because you’re negative.”
  8. Trivializing — This “technique” is when the abuser makes the victim feel like they, or what they do, is insignificant.
  9. Undermining — Everything the victim says and does is never good enough to the abuser.
  10. Threatening — The abuser says things like, “I’ll leave you unless you do what I say.”
  11. Name calling
  12. Forgetting — This is when the abuser “forgets” a promise or forgets a date or appointment on purpose.
  13. Ordering — Anytime the victim demands something from the victim or orders them around is abuse.
  14. Denial — This would include denying or justifying bad behavior.
  15. Abusive anger — This occurs when there is any form of yelling and screaming, particularly out of context. Even saying “shut up” is abuse.

Something the article doesn’t mention is when someone is repeatedly and purposefully goading or prodding you about a sensitive topic — I’ve experienced this with politics, my weight and productivity. It’s not funny, and if someone knows it will upset you, that’s abusive.

If you feel like you always are walking on egg shells or you’re constantly being humiliated, you may be experiencing verbal abuse. Again, it’s never OK or normal.

My friend who was verbally abused by her boyfriend, said this:

“My boyfriend never appreciated anything I did. I was constantly walking on eggshells and would have to assess his mood all the time. If I knew he was angry, I’d try to suck up to him, saying nice things to him, complimenting him and doing things I knew would make him happy. But he was rarely happy. He blamed me for anything and everything. Luckily, I left him and haven’t looked back but some women aren’t that lucky.”

Constant abuse can lead to an anxiety disorder and depression. An abuser may try to isolate you from friends as well, making it harder to reach out about the abuser.

If you are being abused, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or visit www.ndvh.org

You are not alone. Help is always available.

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Screw the Stigma of Depression

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

In my early 20s I had a conversation with two of my girlfriends about one of the girls’ boyfriend. She had made the comment he was taking antipsychotic medication for a mental illness.

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In my infinite knowledge and wisdom, I said something along the lines of “You should dump him. That’s a red flag!” And I laughed. The other girl, a pharmacist, said, “Dude, you’re taking antipsychotics.” I stopped laughing. It was true. I had been dealing with depression for a few years by then yet I still laughed and judged another for doing the same thing I was. When you’re young and stupid, you’re young and stupid.

But there’s a bit more to that story. What I wrongly said and did — that’s the stigma of depression talking and it talks a lot, even to this day.

Did I truly think that guy was psychotic or “crazy?” I must have and must’ve thought he was less of a person for being mentally ill. I’m ashamed for that.

It doesn’t really make sense I would do that given that I was mentally ill and embarrassed to even tell my parents I was suffering.

Throughout my life, starting as early as middle school, I had exhibited signs of an anxiety disorder, and later in high school, depression. It all came to a head in college when me beloved grandmother died. Even then, when it’s understandable to experience great sadness, I kept my depression and anxiety to myself.

It would be almost a decade later when I finally admitted to my mom I struggled. There was really no way to hide it anymore because I was experiencing severe postpartum depression. When my youngest was 2, I had reached a breaking point and entered into an inpatient psychiatric program at The Menninger Clinic.

I hadn’t told many people that I was going but while I was there it suddenly occurred to me that I had nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of.

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I tell this story because the stigma of depression is so powerful and far reaching. But it is so dangerous to perpetuate, and to not denounce the stigma. People literally die or don’t seek treatment because they think they’re weak, and that “it’s all in their head,” or because they’ve been told depression isn’t a “real disease.” Let me assure you, it is — a debilitating one.

Depression is a completely treatable disease, experienced by about 17 million American adults (stats from the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, 2017). What does it say about our society that instead of helping and supporting more than 17 million people, we’d rather buy into antiquated beliefs and nonsense that depression isn’t real or that it’s some choice to be made? Absolutely nobody would make that choice.

Depression is as real as any other disease. It’s devastating, chronic and sometimes very scary.

So, let’s stop the bullshit. Let’s educate people about mental illness and end the judgement that comes hand-and-hand with the diagnosis.

Below are hurtful stereotypes that perpetuate the stigma:

  • Happy people can’t have depression
  • People with depression aren’t mentally tough
  • Depression isn’t a real disease
  • Depression and sadness are the same thing
  • Antidepressants change your personality
  • Depression is all in your head
  • Depression is a choice
  • You can just “Snap out of it”

People can literally die when we help perpetuate these lies about depression. It has to stop. Help end the stigma by reading more about depression here.

Let’s do better and be better. There’s too much at stake not to.

If you or a loved one are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website here. You are not alone.

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istock-1168894271-1024x878-6652792

Another Day of Self Loathing

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I’ve had some pretty good days recently, but like everybody else, I’ve had some not-so-great ones, too. Like today.

It started the minute I woke up. I could feel the dark cloud hanging over my head. My fuse was already short. I didn’t feel the surge of energy I’ve had lately, and all my limbs felt extremely heavy.

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I gave into the children’s request to get donuts, even though it was a school day. As soon as I finished my bag of donut holes, I knew that the day was going to steamroll me. And I let it.

The donuts didn’t satisfy me like I thought they would, nor did they give me a pick me up. They just reminded me of my recent weight gain and all the other poor decisions I’ve made. The self loathing was on full blast now.

I wanted energy, so I chugged Diet Cokes until my stomach hurt. The only thing I got in return was more self loathing. I was supposed to quit Diet Coke last year but didn’t last a month or two. Sigh.

By the time I got the kids dropped off, my blood was boiling. I recoiled when people would speak to me, and after I did a little writing, I retreated to the couch where I turned the TV on. I had been craving alone time all week but I felt restless and unsatisfied.

For some reason, I decided to order a pizza, even though I didn’t really want it. I felt terrible, mentally and physically, after just one slice. I tried to scrub my bad decisions and terrible mood off in the shower, to no avail.

I tried to rally before picking up the kids but even my Adderall* was no match for my mood. I went through the motions of the rest of the day, trying not to snap at my family.

I put Eli down (David’s with Isla) and I have some time to myself again. Literally, all I can think about is getting donuts tomorrow despite just recounting my shitty day, which began with seemingly innocent donut holes. Sometimes I really am a glutton for punishment.

Thank God I have an ECT on Monday. I hope they can reset my short-circuiting brain and help me forget this feeling — like I’m drowning in a sea of self hatred. And there’s nobody to save me. Therein lies the problem with depression — sometimes we’re our own captors, fueled by a faulty brain, sure — but I’m the one holding my head under right now.

I have actual plans in place for these types of days, such as a self-care checklist, but it’s so much easier to give way to the “Depressed Me” — or is it?

Monday can’t come soon enough. Because of the ECT and because the donut store is closed.

Download my self-care checklist below:

Self-Care-Checklist-1Download

*I take Adderall, prescribed by my psychiatrist, to help get me moving when my extreme fatigue and dysthymia is bogging me down. Always consult your doctor before trying a new medication and never take medicine that is not prescribed to you.

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My anxiety worsened after having babies.
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Anxiety and Depression

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

My anxiety worsened after having babies.

I talk a lot about depression, and while that’s important, my anxiety can be just as debilitating, if not more. And if you’re (un)lucky like me, they go hand-in-hand.

When I think back, I can remember having anxiety as young as 12 years old. I can remember having intrusive thoughts about my family dying and I would be obsessively praying they wouldn’t. I also watched The Weather Channel around the clock because I had developed a phobia of storms. I’d watch even if it was good weather. When it would storm, I would get a stomachache and pray over and over.

My anxiety went largely untreated until after I had kids. After my first child, my anxiety manifested itself in weird ways, and if you would’ve asked my then if I had anxiety, I would’ve told you it was just fine. But I wasn’t. When Isla was born I freaked out about the temperature of every room in the house. I had read an article about the “ideal temperature” for babies and couldn’t help but worry about it. I bought little thermometers for each room the baby would be in at any point in the day and adjusted the air/heat accordingly.

I also obsessed over breastfeeding. I kept a detailed log on when I fed Isla and which breast I used and for how long. I kept it for the entire eight months I breastfed. I logged her diapers, too whether it was wet or poopy and how many times throughout the day. I did that for an entire year. That embarrasses me now but anxiety will do what anxiety does — makes you obsessed, worrying about things that aren’t always worth worrying about. But the thing is you can’t stop.

I obsessed over the baby monitor, watching it until I couldn’t stay away any longer. I worried about how loud or quiet the sound machine was and if David and I were too loud downstairs. You’d think as my kids got older I would relax a little but you’d be wrong.

Loud noises would freak me out and it’s still a trigger to this day. I don’t really obsess about those little things anymore but my anxiety is still here and at an all-time high because of the coronavirus. I have panic attacks, some that work me into a complete frenzy. I still feel panic and dread on Sunday nights, like when I was a kid. Sometimes I create problems in my head that aren’t real problems — like someone is mad at me and I worry about thinks I did or said to make them feel that way. My imagination runs away from me and I usually let it.

My anxiety gets really bad around the time of an ECT treatment. It stresses me out to think about going under general anesthesia and I have to talk myself down beforehand. My anxiety hasn’t gotten any better, even after having about 20 treatments.

I take meds for my anxiety and I try to employ coping skills that I’ve picked up in therapy but sometimes it still gets to me. Little things like taking a shower stress me out but I have no idea why. I think that’s what bothers me most — there’s no rhyme or reason to it and it’s hard to control.

A couple of weeks ago I had an anxiety attack at the dentist (which has never happened before). I was supposed to get some fillings replaced but before they could get started I panicked as they put the nitrous gas mask over my nose. It was embarrassing how much I cried but I couldn’t do anything about it.

A lot of people experience anxiety. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, more than 40 million Americans have an anxiety disorder. There are different types, such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder and Phobias. Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S. Half of people with depression are also diagnosed with anxiety.

I’m lucky to have a great therapist and psychiatrist who help me deal but only one-third of those suffering with anxiety are treated. Medication and talk therapy can help manage anxiety. I depend a lot on my medication but they only do so much. I have a list of coping skills I use, read more about that here. It’s also important for me to keep a schedule/routine. Interruptions can be a huge trigger, which is why it’s so hard right now with coronavirus. It’s also crucial that I question my thinking when I get caught in a cycle of negative thinking. I ask myself if my thoughts are true and if I’m being realistic or catastrophizing.

Aside from that my other triggers include interrupted/not enough sleep, socializing, traveling and loud noises. When I’m triggered by these things, an attack can feel like someone sitting on my chest. I sweat, shake and can even work myself up to being hysterical if it’s really bad. At times, I feel like throwing up and that I have a million butterflies in my stomach.

Sometimes anxiety attacks can feel like something else, so here’s a list of symptoms you could possibly experience:

  • a feeling of impending doom
  • a feeling you are in danger
  • dizziness
  • heart palpitations
  • trembling/shaking
  • chest pressure

Anxiety is so difficult to manage. I’ve been dealing with it since I was a kid, so I get that it’s not easy. Nothing is easy when it comes to mental illness. But I think the best thing to do is talk about it. I mean, 40 million Americans have it but it’s not widely understood and doctors don’t always screen for it and some don’t even accurately diagnose it. We need to keep the conversation going until it’s normalized — and that goes for all mental illness.

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