Author

Heather Loeb

For decades I've struggled with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, avoidant personality disorder, dysthymia and an eating disorder. I pen my misadventures here, but you can also find my column in the Corpus Christi Caller-Times (caller.com). Thanks for reading and for your support.

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Confession: I’m a huge slob

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I’m a slob. A big one. I try to fight it, I really do, but I always slip back into my slovenly ways. I don’t want to be a slob; it actually stresses me out to have a messy house and clutter everywhere, but I just can’t muster the strength to do better. And I’m not even in a full-blown depressive episode.

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It’s not that I’m lazy — there’s a little of that, too — it’s that I only have so much energy, and I’d rather not allot that energy to cleaning my home (at this time). Maybe soon I’ll have enough time and energy to clean. It’s what I talked about when I blogged about the Spoon Theory. I have only so many spoons each day, and I have to save them to function. For the most part I save them for getting up in the morning, taking care of the kids, hygiene, making/cooking meals for the kids, my mental health advocacy and relationship with my husband, family and friends. That takes up a lot, even if it doesn’t seem like it. Everything takes a lot when you have depression. And anxiety. And a personality disorder. And, hell, an eating disorder.

It’s a full-time job being mentally ill.

But the thing is…I can’t stand it when the house is messy, which is 99% of the time. I even have a housekeeper who comes four days a week, but as soon as she leaves, my family *exists* and clutter starts forming in every corner. My housekeeper can only do so much. As it is now, she can only tidy up the clutter on the countertops and work around it. Don’t get me wrong — she still cleans the house, but she can’t fix the mess we’ve accumulated. That’s our job, and we suck at it super bad. It makes me anxious and stressed.

And guilty. Even my car is cluttered. If you open the doors, sometimes trash or random items fly out. So embarrassing.

As it turns out, it’s not unusual for people with depression to be messy. An article in PsychCentral.com says when you’re depressed, it’s hard to take care of yourself and get things done. I totally agree, but here’s the thing: I’m not experiencing a depressive episode right now. Or maybe I am. A small one. I’m still capable of a lot and have some energy. But some things are hard. I guess I am experiencing some hallmarks of depression:

  • decreased energy
  • fatigue
  • lack of interest
  • feeling overwhelmed

BUT before I finished this blog, I totally cleaned out my closet and arranged my clothes by type and color coded everything according to the rainbow. It took a long time and a lot of effort. It made me feel better and want to work on other rooms in the house, but it’s so daunting.

Even though it can be stressful to have clutter everywhere, Verywellmind.com says this: “…There is research that supports the idea that messiness also has an upside. Kathleen Vohs, Ph.D., and her fellow researchers did a series of experiments on the psychology of messiness. They found that while working in an orderly room encouraged behaviors such as generosity and healthy eating, working in a messy environment actually led to greater creativity.” And that Albert Einstein was known for a messy desk.

Maybe I’m a creative genius. There are times when the mess doesn’t bug me. I just can’t figure out which part of me doesn’t mind the mess or hates it.

The Verywellmind.com article ended with this, “If you function fine in a messy room, then don’t let trends pressure you into pursuing a more organized or minimalistic lifestyle. However, if the messiness is something that causes you stress or if you suspect it might be a symptom of an underlying psychological problem, consider steps you can take to address the issue.”

Maybe I have a depressed personality and a non-depressed personality. I guess I need to find a way to merge the two.

Although if I were less messy, my father would complain a lot less, lol.

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It’s Not the Depression That Gets You…

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

A friend asked me to send her a link of my articles regarding anxiety and what helps. I quickly did a search for my columns at the Caller-Times, but I noticed that 1. there weren’t many and 2. I didn’t give any advice about what to do, I just talked about what it was.

I did write more blogs about it, so I sent those. But it made me think — I still don’t have a handle on my anxiety. It has been three years since leaving the Menninger Clinic yet I have few ideas on how to cope, even for myself.

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As of now, I’ll do some deep breathing or box breathing. I’ll take some anxiety meds (which usually help very little). I’ll talk to my husband or a friend about what I’m feeling. I’ll get under my weighted blanket, which honestly feels the best — when an anxiety attack occurs, I often feel like my insides are trying to get outside of my body. Weird, I know. I digress. A lot of times, I’ll slip and overeat on snacks or candy. That would be an unhealthy coping skill. I used to get weekly massages, but now I don’t. I haven’t seen a difference in anxiety levels.

Even if some combination of these things helps, it doesn’t make it go away completely. And the anxiety always comes back. Most people think it’s just everyday worries, but it’s not like that. It’s often worst-case scenarios that get trapped in my brain and intrusive thoughts that I can’t control. I counter them by praying over and over to the point where it gets obsessive. I’ll try to distract myself. It’s hard. And depression is hard, too. I am in no way saying it’s easy, but at least I get relief from the crushing sadness, fatigue and apathy. I never get a break from anxiety.

And if you Google tips on coping with anxiety, you get some annoying answers. I say annoying, because while these tips do help some, they don’t help someone like me who does them anyway and who has a severe anxiety disorder.

For example:

  • Get enough sleep
  • Exercise
  • Eat a healthy diet
  • Maintain a positive attitude
  • Try yoga
  • Watch for triggers

I guess we get the same trite answers because nobody knows how to really help — and again, I’m talking about people with severe anxiety, not those with day-to-day worries (not that I’m discounting them either).

So really all I know that helps in the moment in my weighted blanket. But the problem with that is I’m not always home when anxiety strikes. Breathing helps, too. Sometimes singing at the top of my lungs in the car helps. Oh, and bingeing on my favorite shows. I’ve watched them all 100 times. The familiarity is comforting. Nothing new is going to surprise me. It’s just the same old characters doing the same old things. That may seem sad to you, but it’s calming.

I gotta do what I gotta do.

It’s just that sometimes that’s not enough.

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You Can’t Pick and Choose Your Diagnoses

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Recently I was in a meeting, a mental health-related meeting, and an attendee was talking about his substance use disorder. He did so openly — as he should — and it got me thinking…Why don’t I talk about mine?

I’m so open about my other mental health conditions, but I tend to ignore my substance use disorders (for the most part). I did write a column about it months ago, but that’s about it.

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But this man made me want to be more open.

So here it is — I have two substance abuse disorders: Opioid Use Disorder (Moderate) and Sedative, Hypnotic and Anxiolytic Use Disorder (Moderate). The last one means I was abusing benzodiazepines.

This was not a good time in my life, obviously. I had not recovered from postpartum depression. I had two kids under 2 years old, and I didn’t have a lot of mom friends. The women I did know with children that age didn’t seem to be suffering like I was. I tried to be like a close family member who is a wonderful, active and caring mom, always on the go, but I couldn’t keep up. My depression was a crushing weight and even worse was my anxiety. I talked to my psychiatrist, but he (wrongly) told me I couldn’t breastfeed and take antidepressants or meds for anxiety. So I stopped breastfeeding, another disappointment wrapped in guilt. But that I mean I could take antidepressants and anxiety medication, benzodiazepines. Honestly, those never really helped cope with my anxiety, they just made me feel numb. My anxiety would be waiting for me shortly after the high wore off. I took more and more to ward my worries and emotional pain away.

Now, the opioids. During my pregnancy, I had to limit the number of migraine pills I could take for the baby’s safety. My migraines still came though, so my doctor told me I could get a narcotic shot to help with the pain, which I did and it helped. The only problem is that I kept going back for shots after I had my babies. And when I had a “mommy makeover” years down the line, I abused the pain medicine I was given, even asking for a refill because the “pain was too bad.” I flat out can’t be trusted around anybody’s pain medicine, frankly. Even now.

Finally I got tired of it all.

I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.

Writer Elizabeth Gilbert

I told my husband what was really going on. We had tried multiple treatments and doctors at this point, and my best friend had recommended we go to the Menninger Clinic in Houston. So I did. I stayed for six weeks. I’m glad I did — in hindsight, I should’ve stayed longer and dealt with my eating disorder and honed my coping skills, but here I am.

I’m not embarrassed about these substance use diagnoses, but these are harder to admit to (stigma). My husband says I’m an addict, but I don’t feel that way. I don’t spend time thinking about opioids or benzos. I don’t feel addicted. I don’t go to meetings, but if a bottle of pain meds somehow arrived at my house, I would take the pills, and take more than I should. I don’t know why. My therapist says I’m always trying to escape, which is weird to me because now I love my life and appreciate it more than I ever have because I’m in recovery and I can recognize that. But I guess my demons have really never gone away. And they likely never will. Odds are I’ll have depressive episodes and anxiety for life. I’m not being negative; those are truly the odds based on my diagnoses.

I guess I’m so used to wanting to escape from depression/anxiety it has now become a habit.

Maybe things will change and start coming up Heather.

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Eye Twitches, Stomach Aches & Bears – Oh, My!

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

School starts next Tuesday. My son’s birthday party is this Saturday. My daughter’s birthday party is next month, and even though I have prepared from these things (like a doomsday prepper), I feel my chest tighten, a heavy feeling in my stomach and my face is contorting this very minute. I don’t need a mirror to see the frown lines, pursed mouth and concerned eyes.

School is exciting! It means I get to go back to my routine — I can’t say that I care for summer’s willy nilliness. The kids won’t be hanging around the houses stating that they’re bored, running my phone battery down, leaving snacks everywhere as well as trails of clothes and mess wherever they go. I should be looking forward to this. But I guess I’ve gotten use to the “routine” of summer. Anytime mine is changed, it’s stressful, even when I prefer the school routine. Even thought I know it’s better for me.

I guess it’s just my anxiety, acting like my brain’s hype man when really my brain could do without.

That’s why the kids and I took a last minute trip to see my parents at their lake house. And it’s been so fun, but now we’re getting ready to leave on Thursday, and I’ll be sad to leave and I’ll have to jump into party planning mode for Eli’s party on Saturday. This year he wanted to go to Jumping World, which stresses me out a bit. I’ve never hosted a party there, and his parties always fall right before school, so I’m afraid none of his friends are going to come. I know it will be fine, but my anxiety never takes a break. Ever.

But he’ll have friends there. He’ll have fun. His cake is a Pokemon cake, and he has lots of gifts (from me and his dad). He’ll be so happy. That’s what’s important. Then next week, he’ll start his final year at JCC, his Kindergarten year. (I’m not tearing up, I just have something in my eyes). It’ll be great. *sniff, sniff*

I think what I need to do is take one day at a time. I’ve obviously prepared from school and the kids’ parties, but worrying about each event is not getting me anywhere. So, first up…Eli’s party. I need to wrap gifts and get the goody bags ready, which will be a cinch.

One day at a time. So really, I just need to worry —think—about today. This afternoon we’re going to a fun park where they have a carousel, bumper cars and games. Maybe slamming into my kids in a bumper car will relieve some of this stress.

Sounds pretty good to me. Maybe I need a “fun park” in my backyard…

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Kids

Back to School Anxiety – How to Help Your Child

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb
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I always hated going back to school and leaving summer vacation behind. I would get anxious about the new year, wondering what friends I’d have in my class and which teacher I’d get. And I would worry about hypothetical tests and projects that I just knew I’d get bad grades on. There was such a heaviness when school rolled around, erasing all the chill I had acquired that summer.
I can’t imagine what it’s like as a kid now. They’re dealing with so much more: the pandemic, trauma of frequent school shootings and increased bullying. It’s scary, and it’s something that none of our generations has seen before.
So here’s what I’m going to do with my soon-to-be second grader and Kindergartener to help with the transition. I hope it helps our collective mental health.

  1. We’re going to get back into our school routine, i.e. waking up earlier, getting dressed first thing and eating breakfast right away
  2. Talk about what’s making them nervous. Both of my kids have new teachers this year, so I know that’s a source of anxiety. We can talk about that and anything else that’s bothering them.
  3. Empathize with my kids. Whatever it is that’s causing anxiety, I need to listen and show empathy. I’ll try not to brush off their feelings, instead I’ll validate their worries and concerns.
  4. I’ll encourage my kids to talk about their fears or how their day went. I’ll also give them tips on self-care (healthy self-care and coping skills) and how it can help their stress levels.
  5. I’ll be present. When my kids get home, I’ll push my work aside, put my phone away and concentrate on them. They may want alone time to decompress, but they will know that I’m available and there.

Signs of Anxiety in Kids (www.verywellfamily.com)

  • Appear more clingy than normal
  • Be restless and fidgety
  • Complain of stomachaches
  • Display changes in eating and sleeping habits
  • Express negative thoughts or worries
  • Get upset or angry more quickly
  • Have bouts of unexplained crying
  • Struggle to concentrate

To learn more about kids and mental health, please visit the NAMI.org website.

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High-Functioning Depression

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

First let me start by saying this is not a real thing. I mean it’s real because people are making it real, but high-functioning depression (or anxiety) is not a medical diagnosis.

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As previously mentioned, I’ve been feeling down for the past couple of weeks; I had to go into Low Battery Mode to conserve energy. But even though almost every day has been a struggle, I’ve still been functioning at a high level. It’s odd, because I’m used to extremes — down and out or walking on sunshine. Here I am able to get up early in the morning, take a shower, get the kids to camp, do the work I need to do for NAMI GCC, get school paperwork organized, etc.

Maybe it’s not about being highly functional — maybe it’s about keeping busy so I don’t have time to think about how depressed I am. Epiphany…?

No, I don’t think that’s it, because if it were a bad depressive episode I were going through, I wouldn’t have the energy to do any of those things. This is just a blip; I already feel better and the waves of sadness, loneliness and self-loathing are fewer and farther between. Thank God. It’s terrifying to think all the progress I’ve made could be erased, or that my happiness could be taken away so fast and for no reason. I guess the reason is because my neurons are unruly. That’s hardly fair. But it does makes me grateful for the precious time I have with my friends and family and the time I spend with myself smiling and enjoying the color of the water, a good book, the taste of Chick-fil-a nuggets, laughing with my best friend, a nap under a warm blanket and bingeing on my favorite shows. Totally priceless.

I can’t wait to get back there. I’m so close, I know it.

Until then, I’ll remind myself that these blues hanging around are temporary. My head is still above water. I’m still highly functional.

So, I guess it is a real thing.

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The Sun on My Face Beats the Sadness in My Heart

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

I was curled up on my hot pink couch under a weighted blanket. I needed the extra weight; it felt like my insides were trying to get on the outside. It isn’t a pleasant feeling. It only happens when I’m very anxious. I had just burst into tears on a Zoom call with my NAMI cohorts, and I just wanted to feel safe. I had determined that I needed to take a break from karate, which I felt guilty about. By the way I’ve been feeling these past few weeks (depressed and anxious), it’s clear that I need to go into Low Battery Mode and conserve what energy I have and save it for getting in a better place. My NAMI pals made me feel better and told me I had their support, but I still went to the couch for comfort.

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I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, and that heavy weight on my chest and in my belly weren’t going away. I tossed the weighted blanket off me and looked up.

My gaze stopped at a print on my wall of a woman with her head back and arms up by her sides. You can’t look at it without feeling the happiness and fulfillment she’s obviously experiencing.

That picture is what recovery means to me. That’s how I aspire to feel all the time, and most of the time, it’s how I truly feel — blissful, lucky and grateful.

So then it hit me. Sure, I’m going through a hard time. But my god, I’ve gone through way, way, way darker times than this. I’ve crawled back from the darkest depths of hell, and I’ve far from that place now.

If I could do it then, with so much baggage, self-loathing, negative thinking and hate, I can do it now with love and the support of my family and friends (and even strangers). People are praying for me, rooting for me and sending me good vibes. I’m smarter now, I know better so I can do better. Part of recovery means preparing for relapse, and I’m so prepared.

I know I’ve discussed Low Battery Mode before, but this is what I’m focusing on now:

  • Stick to a consistent sleep schedule and attempt to get the kids out of my bed
  • Drink lots of water and lay off the Diet Cokes
  • Avoid junk food and eat healthier
  • Take lots of breaks whenever I need them
  • Ask for help when I’m feeling overwhelmed
  • Give myself some grace when I slip up
  • Go to my support system whenever I need to
  • Cut back on activities that aren’t a “priority”
  • Read and write
  • Be consistent in self-care routines
  • Go to therapy consistently

I’m sure there’s more that I’m missing right now, but this is a good start. This is what I need to do to take care of me and subsequently, my family. I know it’s hard right now, but I’ll be back to that woman with the sunshine in her face in no time.

I’ve got this. And if I don’t, I know y’all will be there to help me.

Thanks for listening.

If you have any ideas or suggestions on how to avoid relapse, I’d love to hear them. Drop them in the comments.

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In a Nutshell: My Week in Review

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb
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Happy Sunday, everyone. I’m trying to have a good day, but man, this is been a hard week. I’ve been feeling depressed, sad and fatigued. I was going to scheduled some ketamine treatments, but I started feeling better Thursday and Friday. Then we had to put down my favorite cat, Possum, because she was having severe kidney and liver problems. We’ve had her for 10+ years, and it was very hard to say goodbye, but I’m glad she’s no longer hurting. The kids are okay. Isla went with us to say goodbye; Eli declined, saying it was too hard, which I totally understand. He’s already asked for a new cat. Sigh.

I think I will call Monday to set up some ketamine treatments, I don’t want this crappy mood to continue and get out of hand. This coming week is going to be a busy one — my husband has a fundraiser (he’s running for a board position for the community college here) and NAMI GCC is holding a panel discussion for Minority Mental Health Awareness month. I’m pretty excited about that. I think it’s going to be very eye opening. What I’ve learned from doing research on it for my column and our event has shocked me — read my column here. I’m always thinking about my mental health and problems; I didn’t even think about the hurdles that others have to go through to get just a quarter of the quality care I get. It needs to change, for sure.

Oh, I almost forgot! I made it through the first round of voting for the Caller-Times’ Best of the Best. I’m up for Best Columnist. Please vote for me daily. You can vote here.

That’s it for me. I hope you guys are well. As always, stay in the light.

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Ding, dong – Depression’s at the Door

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

Often when I describe recovery to someone, I say it’s like walking a tight rope. One false move and your ass is back on the ground. And sometime you can get back up there, no harm, no foul. But there are times when you can’t. To switch metaphors, you’ve already let depression’s foot in the door and that bitch got in just a bit. That’s all it takes.

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For weeks I’ve been letting her in, it just took until now to notice. My hygiene is slipping. I’m sleeping more, even past my alarm, which I never do. I’m so tired; my limbs feel 50 pounds each. I’m sad and worn out. I feel insecure and not excited about writing or work events. I’m even having trouble getting my thoughts out in this blog.

I have no energy. Gone is my pep. Maybe it’s time to try ketamine again, I don’t know. But I need to do something. I don’t like this version of Heather. Definitely not. I know I can achieve more than this, and I know I don’t need to compare this Heather to my most motivated and winningest one. It’s okay to have bad days. It’s when the days become months that I need to worry.

I won’t lie, I’m pretty worried now. It’s not completely dark now, but conditions are right for it to get darker – and fast. But it’s hard to say that this isn’t just a brief mood swing or if it’s going to last 6 to 8 months. My brain can’t tell the difference.

So here’s my plan: I go into Low Battery Mode which includes asking for help when I need it, taking more breaks than usual, try to eat healthy diet, see my therapist more often, do self-care as much as I can and celebrate the little things. That’s not much but it is when you’re floundering. I’ll really try hard on personal hygiene and getting enough sleep.

I’ll try.

That’s the least and most I can do.

Try.

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In a Nutshell: My Week in Review

by Heather Loeb
written by Heather Loeb

This week wasn’t a great one, but it wasn’t terrible either. It sure was busy. I tried to get back into my routine after being in Jamaica for a week but I couldn’t get as much done as I liked.

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The kids complained about going to summer camp and stayed home a couple days — I know, I know — why did I let them? So that had a lot to do with me not getting much work done. But they were sick at the beginning of the week so I had good reasoning then.

I was also stressed because when we came back from out trip, our older cat, Possum, looked terrible. You could tell that she was sick, so I made an appointment for her at the vet and she ended up staying the whole week. They aren’t sure what’s going on, they think she has a blood parasite which should be confirmed on Monday they receive blood work. If it’s not, I have no idea what’s going to happen. They let her come home with us this weekend, and she’s barely eaten or drank water. She’s lost weight and looks so different. If you’re the praying type, please send one up for Possum. She’s my favorite cat, and the kids will be devastated if we have to put her down.

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In other news, both kids earned their green belt this past week. Read about Eli’s green belt test here. I also was an honoree for CC Under 40, which is an event honoring the accomplishments of men and women under 40 years of age who have made significant contributions in their professional fields as well as through service in the community. I was so excited to make it — I didn’t have much more time seeing as I’m 38, lol. But I was very honored, and it makes me want to work even harder on my blog, column and work at NAMI Greater Corpus Christi.

I guess that’s enough for one week. I hope y’all have a great week coming up.

As always, stay in the light.

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