I am so messy. And lazy – too lazy to clean up the messes and clutter that seems to accumulate on every surface in my house. We have a housekeeper who comes four to five days a week, and it’s still a mess. It bothers me a lot, but apparently not so much for me to change, even though I desperately want to.
I love seeing my friends’ houses (where there are kids living there also) online with their tidy houses, and I’m in such awe. Some might say that’s just the social media side of the homes we’re seeing, but I actually go to my friends’ houses and they’re in such better shape than mine.
I try to declutter as much as possible. I go through these spurts where I just HAVE to clean and declutter, but that doesn’t happen often, and the clutter is back within a week or so. There is a huge part of me that is super organized and neat and on top of things all the time, but the unorganized, untidy and apathetic version of me is in the driver’s seat most of the time.
A lot of it is my depression. I’m not trying to make excuses, but when I have to allot my little amount of energy each day, something’s always got to give. And that’s usually housework. Even though I’m not going through a severe depressive episode right now, I still have to fight depression (and anxiety) daily. Personal hygiene, like taking a showering and brushing my teeth daily, is still a struggle. Doing my hair is a difficult chore. Most days I only have it in me to wash my hair every other day and let it dry in a braid so I don’t have to style it, which is still miles from not showering for a week at a time when I was going through an episode. And brushing my teeth is just hard. I don’t know why. I mean, these are basic human functions, but they sap a lot of my energy, and I only have so much in during the day.
Then I must save some time and energy for my kids. I have to be up 5 a.m., make lunches, pack water and other school supplies, take them to school, keep up with Girl Scouts, Cub Scouts, therapy sessions and tennis lessons. My kids, of course, are a priority and there’s always homework, projects and reading to do. Both my kids have anxiety and ADHD so I find they need a lot of personal attention, which is what I’m here for. I like spending time with them, but it can become draining, especially if I’m not reaching out for help when I need it or practicing self-care.
Then there’s NAMI GCC. I love NAMI Greater Corpus Christi. I’ve been the Affiliate Leader for almost a year, and I’m grateful they haven’t asked me to leave, lol. Even though I love, love, love NAMI, it can become quite stressful. I volunteer because when I was going through my dark, dark time nobody was talking about mental health/illness. I wanted to share my story and help others through what I went through so they wouldn’t feel so alone. I like helping people, and NAMI is a great organization to do that. And the people are amazing. But when you have a Leadership role and you’re teaching a class or facilitating a support group, it can get heavy. Sometimes I feel like the success of the affiliate is on my shoulders, and I never want to let everyone down. It’s a lot of pressure. Especially when we’re fundraising or planning a big event. I can get overwhelmed with my responsibilities and forget our mission at times. It’s also difficult to balance my family life with young kids and a husband who owns his own company, is a very active board member at the local community college, among other things.
I also write columns for the local newspaper and blogs for a mental health website
With the kids, NAMI and writing, I must take multiple breaks. If I’m socializing, I need a few days to recuperate. If I don’t, I start operating on “low-battery mode,” and I’m more at risk of shutting down where I can’t function much at all.
I realize everyone gets busy. Most of my friends have kids and a full-time job. Does that mean they don’t clean their house?
I’m betting they do, which makes me feel even worse.
I wish I had the energy to clean and declutter. Can I live with the fact that my house is messy and that we have a 5-day-a-week housekeeper? Probably not. I feel so shamed at times (like when my parents come visit). My dad, mom and brother (and his wife) are so neat! What happened to me?
Usually when I need to make change in my life, the first thing that has to happen is that I have to get sick of my own bullshit.
I’m about halfway there.
